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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DDs WW3 anxiety out of control

47 replies

Ballstothisdotcom · 05/01/2020 20:41

Am I AIBU to ask you lovely mumsnetters for a explanation that I can give her that will talk her down.

I’ve gone with at the end of the day no one would win in a nuclear attack but that just isn’t cutting it.

She is 14 and has ASD I don’t want to dismiss her concerns but need some serious help in avoiding a school refusal tomorrow.

OP posts:
magicmallow · 05/01/2020 20:50

I'm not sure how helpful but a few quick suggestions:

this is a great article:
www.theguardian.com/media/2013/apr/12/news-is-bad-rolf-dobelli

She can't actually control what happens, so worrying about it is not going to help at all. 99% of our fears never materialise.

This is one of my favourite books ever about anxiety and worrying:

www.amazon.co.uk/Worrying-Start-Living-Personal-Development/dp/0749307234/ref=pd_sbs_14_t_0/257-1773601-2948331?psc=1&pf_rd_p=e44592b5-e56d-44c2-a4f9-dbdc09b29395&_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_wg=Is1wN&pf_rd_r=2F8F8YTYB4ZPQK525PDG&pd_rd_i=0749307234&pd_rd_w=DGRrM&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&refRID=2F8F8YTYB4ZPQK525PDG&pd_rd_r=1e9b15db-2430-4407-96d2-cbfab374d048

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 05/01/2020 20:51

No one is going to start a nuclear war. We would all die. This is the deterrent. You cant win a war in which nuclear weapons are involved. If we went to war with a country that did not have nuclear weapons we would win. If we went to war with a country that does, they would fire back and both of us would be wiped off the map. No one is going to be the first to press that button.

Ballstothisdotcom · 05/01/2020 20:56

Thanks she wants to fortify the house and stock up on water and canned goods. Do you think too much if I let her get some supplies to put under her bed?

OP posts:
PickUpThePieces · 05/01/2020 21:06

Can’t do the link, sorry, but there’s a section on the ChildLine website called Worries about the World which you could have a look at and see if it could help your DD.

There’s also lots of ideas to create happy, safe places eg create the ideal room full of things that help you feel happy, calm and safe.

NaviSprite · 05/01/2020 21:07

I’m not sure with the ASD component but my younger sister who is 14 and has ADHD along with an awaited diagnosis of Asperger’s is also terrified and my Mum sent me to speak with her yesterday, I’m not sure if it got through but I went with the following:

“Nuclear weapons are a deterrent but it’s extremely unlikely one will ever be used, because once that button is pressed, the country who pressed it would become the immediate target of a counter attack, which would mean there would be no benefit to them to do so.

As for WW3 - whilst it is a scary thought and has been on the mind of many since WW2, to get to this stage in the world of today is most unlikely as countries rely on one another for all sorts of things (fuel, food, medicine etc.) through trade. For WW3 to happen it would mean that trade would stop, which would probably put most of the larger/richer countries at risk as they will rely on imports/exports to keep their economy stable.”

I’m not saying I’m right in the above, but it seemed to help calm her to have her feelings acknowledged that the thought of nuclear war/WW3 is a scary one, but to then hear reasoned and calm explanation to counter that fear IYSWIM?

Good luck OP

Cantchooseaname · 05/01/2020 21:12

I think so long as you have the conversation that no one would press it as it would be ‘mutually assured destruction’ (mad), then allowing her to have a few things to ‘park’ it is harmless. So, well we know that it is highly unlikely to happen, but if it did you have some food and water. Shall we go swimming/ cinema?

Alyic · 05/01/2020 21:14

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

Haggisfish · 05/01/2020 21:16

I said for ww3 lots of countries would have to agree to war and they won’t. I said America and Iran might fight with each other but that it’s very unlikely to involve us here in....wherever you are.

Whatsername177 · 05/01/2020 21:17

You might be better off listening and helping her to plan for her worries. Give her the extremely unlikely speech complete with facts and figures, but ask what would make her feel better in terms if a 'just in case' scenario. There is a lots of power and comfort that can be taken from feeling prepared. My brother has ASD and bipolar. Trying to convince him he is wrong gets us nowhere. Indulging him preparing for his worries is much more successful in calming him.

Ballstothisdotcom · 05/01/2020 21:19

Thank you. Her current obsession is World War 2 and watching documentaries on how it all started. I’ll get her a basket of stuff to keep under her bed it’s the hammering of wood to the windows I need to talk her out of.

She is terrified though. Terrified of how we will get to each other if she is at school and they drop bombs.

She is in bed with a hot water bottle now and some hot chocolate. Hopefully we will get her to school tomorrow.

OP posts:
ClaireDendie · 05/01/2020 21:20

The world war with Iran would not be 'boots on the ground' warfare we have seen before, it would indeed really happen under cyber conditions, and espionage, another day at the office just at a larger scale and more heads working on the same goal for agencies like the NSA, GCHQ ect.

scousadelic · 05/01/2020 21:29

Every generation has faced these fears. My grandmother faced the reality, raising her children in WW2; my mother was terrified in the 60s by the Cuban Missile Crisis; I remember being terrified as a teenager in the early 80s as the cold war peaked and when my children were younger after 9/11 and my daughter is now scared. Hopefully the trend of it not actually happening will continue

Butterfly02 · 05/01/2020 21:29

No advice but my 15 year old with asd has the same worries - I'm doing drip feeding of information as to why not because telling him he's wrong and why doesn't help. Last month it was the election (I'm betting on brexit being the next!)
Best of look tomorrow. Flowers

RunningAwaywiththeCircus · 05/01/2020 21:37

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Cantchooseaname · 06/01/2020 06:53

Good luck for today.
Would an emergency plan help? For example, if you ever need to meet up and can’t get in touch, both head to an agreed point? Or you know she will stay at school and you will come to her? It does feel like troubled times, but in a very different way.

theThreeofWeevils · 06/01/2020 07:40

Show her Dr Strangelove?

Trewser · 06/01/2020 07:43

My 13 year old is really robust normally but is now worried about ww3 as everyone is sharing memes about it on social media. I've said what a PP said about it being a cyber war not a nuclear one.

Trewser · 06/01/2020 07:44

What I find weirdly comforting about the US tactics is the bloody devastating accuracy of that drone. Trump is undoubtedly a loon, but I am grudgingly impressed by the US hardware and the fact that 2 cars were basically vaporized with no collateral damage yes I found that impressive

Tableclothing · 06/01/2020 07:52

Do you think too much if I let her get some supplies to put under her bed?

I would discourage this for a few different reasons. It gives the impression that you think her fears are reasonable, which will add to the anxiety. Although it's important to remain respectful and not ridicule her, at the same time, her fears are not based in objective fact and are extremely unlikely to happen. "No, we won't be doing that, because it isn't going to happen. There's no need."

Secondly, because anxiety is cyclical. The fear builds and builds, until the person does something (a safety behaviour) to make themselves feel safer. But the safety behaviour doesn't deal with the root cause of the anxiety, and after a while the anxiety comes back again. The person then wants to either repeat or escalate the safety behaviour. If you let her get 4 litres of mineral water and 3 tins of beans now, in 6 months she'll have a bedroom full. And it will be much harder to argue against, because it seemed like you thought it was a reasonable thing to do at first. The only way to break the anxiety cycle is to reduce or stop the safety behaviours. This can be scary (and unpleasant, because the physical effects of anxiety are very real) but it allows the person to learn that even without the safety behaviour, the bad thing isn't going to happen.

Hope that makes sense, it's a bit garbled.

wheresmymojo · 06/01/2020 07:58

Is she scared of WW3 because of Iran?

If so, Iran doesn't actually have nuclear missile capabilities.

It has the capabilities to build them within a few years but it's not believed to have any at all at the moment (she can Google to her hearts content to verify this).

Hopefully this fact will help calm her nerves.

Devereux1 · 06/01/2020 08:11

The nuclear war debate won't work, because it's based on the belief of deterrence. There is no deterrence with other countries who don't care if they die or not. For them, it's martyrdom. If they die, if their people die, that's just fine by them. They aren't deterred by anything.

The better approach is about living your life and concerning oneself with what can control, and making every day matter. WW3 could happen, so could a tree fall and squash your car today. We cannot worry about all these possible eventualities, otherwise we will go mad and not live a single day of our lives.

user1498581287 · 06/01/2020 08:47

The thing is though- your daughter is actually right- not necessarily (hopefully ) right about any current situations leading to a nuclear exchange.

What she's right about, though, is that nuclear weapons are utterly terrifying, immoral and auful and it's beyond insane that we have them ( I mean 'we' in the sense of human society generally) .

Russia and the USA have thousands each. They are all a lot worse than the bombs dropped on Japan, at the end of ww2.

The answer is getting rid of nuclear weapons and making them illegal- not calming ourselves down and pretending 'every things ok'-because it's not ok-.

I remember reading the book 'Hiroshima' when I was 12 in the early 80s my mum said, was I a bit young to read it, she didn't want me to be upset and I remember standing in the kitchen saying that children younger than me- babies even, had died in that attack and if they were old enough to be killed by a nuclear weapon, I was old enough to read about it. To which my lovely mum had to agree.

i still remember that summer, at various points looking at the adults around me ,in the nice little village I lived in-how they almost disgusted me by their stupidity and complacency -why weren't they doing any thing? Why were they just acting as though everything was ok, when it wasn't?

I understand you don't want your daughter upset- but the truth is -it's an upsetting situation- if everyone who cares about it, is told not to worry- how will we ever change any thing.

You could, perhaps, as well as trying to help her not be too worried now, talk to her about people being able to change auful things in the world, maybe she could join CND, or start an anti-nuclear group at school.

Maybe find her some films on youtube or books about the anti-nuclear movement.

look how much little Greta has made her voice heard. People can make things change- nuclear weapons are made by human beings, they don't grow on their own like mushrooms! That means any time enough people say 'no, we're not having this, any more' we can get rid of them,it's how women got the vote!They talked about it and got out and wrote letters and marched and some were prepared to go to prison about it, and eventually , things were changed.

You know your daughter, obviously and try and make her calmer and happier, right now, tell her not to worry too much and give her a hug, but please-if you feel she is at all 'up to' dealing with it-don't persuade her not to worry or care at all- because somehow things have to change.

Your daughter's response to nuclear weapons and nuclear war is actually the appropriate one, it's the adult world that is wrong, and needs to change.

Brefugee · 06/01/2020 08:51

Oh, OP, i really feel for your DD. When I was her age we were all convinced we were going to die in a nuclear war. We used to calculate our age in the year 2000 (37 as it happens) and then laugh because we'd be dead by then.

I'd go with the childline advice.

RunningAwaywiththeCircus · 06/01/2020 10:05

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VickyEadieofThigh · 06/01/2020 10:16

I spent most of the 80’s convinced that we were spitting distance from nuclear catastrophe. I was catatonic by the time “Protect and Survive” came through the door. Then I memorized it. Massive waste of life!

Like a few others on this thread, I was terrified for most of the late 70s and 80s (I'm almost 62) by the very real-seeming threat of nuclear war. The Americans and Russians were engaged in a lunatic battle to have more weapons than each other and we had American nuclear weapons based in the UK (that's what the women's protest at Greenham Common was all about), making us a very real target.

When the film 'Threads' came out in the 80s (for those who don't know, it's a drama dealing with the notion of a devastating nuclear attack on the UK, focusing on Sheffield and its aftermath), I had nightmares about it for months and I was well into my 20s by then!

I know it's hard for parents dealing with their children's distress about this, especially those with ASD; I think Childline's advice is good.

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