PND - Lies

[JollyJigsaw]

Just a little background first.

Never had a great relationship with my mum she would always call me names put me down etc etc.

Haven’t spoken to her about it just tried to sweep it under the table and get on with a civil relationship.

Anyway, mum blames it on PND that she had when she was younger after having me. I’m due to give birth any day now and she is convoluting a story already it seems. She is making out to family members that I am bound to suffer with PND and can everyone keep an eye on me and says patronising things like you’ve let yourself go, you’ve put on weight, are you sure you’re ok? It took me and my husband 3 years to conceive this baby and we are so excited I feel that my heart is going to burst already.

The whole thing just seems unfair and I have no way of controlling it. It makes me upset that she will label me with this and there is nothing that I can do about it. Anyone have any advice?

Well you have one way to control some of it which is not to see her.

Yes NC may be the way forward.
Or you could sit down with her, explain how you feel and how what she says makes you feel and if she can’t stop then it’s not behaviour you want your child around. (I’ve had to do this with a family member and they didn’t stop so we are NC now).
Either way seek someone counselling

Cutting her off after the birth, that would scream mental illness to me.

Can you talk to family members without her there. See her if you must but pick her up on any unpleasant comments and ask her to leave if they continue. Not allowing someone to be rude to you is a sign of strength!

Why do you care if that screams mental illness to other people?

My mom and sister both have severe depression - my mom also had PND.
I was convinced I'd really struggle.

Then the baby blues come along and you feel like a complete failure. But that's normal and doesn't last long.

She'll convince everyone you have PND every time you don't take her advice or dont want her to take the baby off you or babysit.

She's a shit mother and that's not going to change.

I'd cut her off for your own sanity.

And even if you do get PND, it doesn't make you a failure or a bad mother and it doesn't mean you'll be like her.

She uses PND as an excuse to be awful, even now.

Can you cut her off right now?

Wow i could of wrote your OP. I cut contact with my toxic mum 4 weeks before my 2nd baby was born. It used to really bother me that she was telling people i was mental, 3 years down the line and NC and now i couldnt care less what lies she tells herself and others 🤷‍♀️

Telling a heavily pregnant woman they have put on weight and let themselves go - wtf!

My gut feel is she knows she was a shit mum, is panicking that when you have a baby you will realise just how shit she was as you will treat your child a lot better to how she treated you, and she (maybe subconsciously if I'm being generous?( is trying to sabotage you by making you doubt yourself and put you down.

I dont think there is anything you can do to stop the comments as in you can't speak to her as she will never admit the above and will say it is coming from a place of concern.

Don't get upset over it or it will give her more fuel. Dont argue about it. I think I'd avoid her as much as I could when your baby is little to be honest as its a very vulnerable time and if she is getting into your head now, it will be worse when she is criticising your parenting. Just say something like 'really / do you think so / maybe you have a point, oh did you see the news about x' and change the subject.

Otherwise could you get your husband to speak to her so it doesnt sound like it's you who is arguing with her? He could just laugh and say 'ha ha mil you're a brave lady picking at a pregnant womans weight' or something if you dont like confrontation. Or a simple ' the doctor has confirmed that she doesn't have PND but thanks for your concern - it put it on our radar so we know what to watch out for' or somethinf

Why wait! Cut her off now.

Please don't let her hurt you anymore. This is such a special time for you and your baby and partner. Keep her away so she can't spoil it, like she has her relationship with you. Enjoy every minute of YOUR family... and be the mum you want to be. Counselling for the loss of your childhood could be helpful too. Good luck. 💐

I agree, go NC now. Tell her, and anyone else who mentions it, that you are cutting her off because if anything is likely to give you PND it's her and her negativity.

Or, if you really must keep her in your life, call her (and anyone repeating her bullshit) out each and every time anything is said. How you do that is up to you but I might go with total bewilderment, 'where on earth have you got that idea from?!! I've never been happier or less depressed in my life!' Or maybe spread a little faux concern about her in return 'oh dear, has DM been on to you about my 'PND' (do actual air quotes as you say this) as well Aunty? I'm a bit worried about her tbh, she seems a bit obsessed, maybe we should keep an eye on her......'

I still think NC would be easier on you but you certainly don't have to just let her dictate the narrative, just make sure everyone knows she's the one with the problem