Controlling Estranged Parents

[Hcd0917]

Hello I hope someone can give me an opinion on how to proceed with my parents.
We have been estranged for 5 years and since my lb has been born Mar 2018 they never bothered.
I eventually decided to try and establish a relationship for the sake of my son.
Everything seemed to be going well until Xmas morning they have told me I'm heartless, need to grow up, need to dig deeper and then they might talk to me.
Why because I didn't call them on Xmas morning when all I said was I would call on Xmas day.
Bear in mind I'm the one who brought my son to them and travelled to them 1 hour round trip 4x in the last month.(they haven't done anything to see me or their 1st grandchild)
They are very controlling and passive aggressive.
I mean falling out with me because I didn't call on Xmas morning could you imagine if we actually had something important to discuss

Should I continue to try with this relationship for my son or get out of it as it's toxic ?

You stated that you were estranged for 5 years but then complain they didn't meet your son until you decided to end the estrangement. They didn't want a relationship with you and they don't now. They are using the phone call as an excuse to make you to blame. They have shown you who they are and you really need to believe them

YABU for wanting to continue this relationship with your parents. Do you honestly want their behaviour projected on your son? You need to keep them away from your son.

Why would you bother with this toxicity?

My therapist said that I was basically grieving for them but as they haven't passed away I either have to try to reconnect or walk away.
I don't want my son to be around any form of negativity and they were being great with him really engaging when I brought him down but i reached out because if my son asks when he's older where his grandparents are? I know that I literally tried everything for them to have a relationship. I'm so disheartened by their response. If they don't like me fair enough but I honestly thought they would try with my son

"I eventually decided to try and establish a relationship for the sake of my son."
Why? What positives do they bring to your son's life? I suspect you thought they might make decent grandparents even if they were crap parents (this is sometimes true). Well, you tested it and the result is - they're still toxic and bring nothing positive to your son's life.

Ignore the idea of 'but they're his grandparents'. 'No grandparents' are better than toxic ones. Sorry it didn't work out .

Thank you everyone for responding.
I've been trying to put my son first and do the right thing at my own undoing. I'm devasted but to be honest I know I just need to stop now I've done all I can and need to accept they don't want to be in our lives. Thank you all again

I eventually decided to try and establish a relationship for the sake of my son.

Your own relationship with them has done you no favours, so there's no basis for expecting that they will behave any better for your son.

It's disappointing & saddening - but neither of you need their petty passive aggression & careless attitude. I hope your counselling helps you come to terms with this as smoothly as possble & you carry on making a good life for you & your son without your parents' malign influence.

You've tried. You can't do more than that. Their negativity towards you will impact on your son if you continue to push for a relationship. Even if they adore him and are good with him, inevitably you will be miserable as they will still be toxic and that will cause you stress, which will feed through to your Ds. So weighing it up, you are better off without them in your lives and your Ds will be none the wiser given he is so young. I'm sure he will have plenty of lovely people in his life growing up so he's not going to miss out on anything.

@HCD0917 Unfortunately you haven't put your son first though. You have put yourself first. You offered your son up as a way of saying look here. I'm still here. Love me.Pay attention to me. I jave a new baby for you to play with....If you were putting your child first then they wouldn't have never met him

Why were you estranged in the first place?

They didn't like my husband then boyfriend so kicked me out (he hadn't done anything they never liked any boyfriend or even me going out with friends)

Speaking as the granddaughter of a toxic narcissist - keep your child away from those people! I wish my mum had.

Cut contact. Protect your son.

Having dealted with toxic parents for decades, my advice would be it won't get better and infact they will play the same dynamics out with your child in one way or another as he gets older. This will damage him far more in the long run than not having a relationship with his grandparents.

Im decades down the line with this and battling to stop my adult child attempting to scapegoat me in exactly the same way my father used to. Hopefully your therapist will be able to guide you concerning mourning for the parents that you didn't get. It can be a bit of a long and slow process, but will help you to make healthy parenting choices along with building a happier future for yourself and family of choice.

The only other problem is my sister is caught in the middle. I know I want to cut contact with my parents but how do I still have a relationship with my sister without her feeling she is in the middle.
She has only ever heard their opinions and views for the last 5 year's which actually caused her health issues due to stress!
She knows our parents are controlling but has a laid back approach/ just does what they say for an easy life which I don't blame her for. That's her way to deal with them but I see her being manipulated and controlled by them and is very hard to see and swallow. (She's 23 moved out of parents this year)
I know she wants a relationship with my son but I fear for an easier life she will cut me out too so she isn't in the middle of it. (Again I see why she would do this)
How do we continue a relationship ?

Your sister is an adult now and won’t be on the phone three times a day to the parents telling them what she’s done in the last three hours so I think you should have plenty of opportunities to meet her without them knowing. I doubt they will ask her if she’s seen you as they apparently don’t care about you, so no awkward questions for sis either.

You’re an adult, you’re a parent - your 1 job in life is to protect him. From them.

Your sister is an adult and if she wants a relationship with you, she can have one

You can only control your own environment and your own decisions. Your sister has to manage her life

Relax and look after yourself and your ds. The rest will fall into place. Or not.

Thank you everyone honestly I want a more positive life for my whole family and just a shame that comes with sacrifices again thank you for the words of wisdom and honesty i needed from you all

Hi Op, I was disowned by my family over 20 years ago. Over the years I never gave up trying, before and after my DC came along. I always wanted to be accepted by them again but after about 15 years I finally realised I was wasting my time and energy and was allowing them to emotionally harm me. I had therapy and I let them go. I’ve had no contact since and I’m finally at peace. This is a very brief snap shot of a very very difficult situation and It’s not been an easy journey but only you know your family and whether they can change or not. I wish you all the best x

Give up. You forced a relationship that they are not putting the work into. They're not worth it.