I think I am losing it...

[ItalianinLondon]

I'm so sorry for this needy, desperate post!

I've been sick for most of the Christmas break (pericarditis, so not serious, but debilitating), OH is on a 4-month work stint abroad, DDs are unsettled, I'm back to work on Monday... and I feel like I can't hold it together.

I'm worried I have borderline personality disorder or something, because in my head it's just me, me, me. I'm worried that I'm being a rubbish mother, a useless friend. But I just can't get it together.

I went to the GP today and begged for some time off work... the poor woman was a locum, and obviously didn't have time to hear my tale of woe! So I left instructions to pull myself together and get on with things.

And I know I should, but... I just can't stop crying. Everything's on top of me and I feel like it's all slipping out of my control. I'm being so selfish and I hate myself for it.

Sounds like you’re nearly over it but not quite OP. Perhaps it would be best to stay off right enough till you are fully over it?

Did they find what caused it and fix it?

They said it was probably due to the cold I had beforehand - there's not much to do other than NSAIDs and waiting it out!

No doctor worth anything would diagnose EUPD during one five minute appointment!

Go back and see a different one. You've been unwell, you're struggling alone, it's NORMAL to be overwhelmed in those circumstances!

Call in sick tomorrow!

I don't think she actually meant to diagnose it, it was just what she thought I might have, based on our interaction I guess! I guess it was too much to ask from a doctor I'd never seen before and she was probably worried that I was going to overrun (which I did).

I'm scared of what is going to happen after that appointment. She put "out of body experience" on my notes and I don't remember experiencing or describing anything like that. I'm worried that I'm losing my mind!

Op, you sound like a good parent who is understandably totally exhausted. You need a break. And try to start by being kinder to yourself. You poor thing!

You don't sound selfish to me atall - (generally people who ARE selfish don't worry about it or the effect on other people!) I think that's true for bad parents too by the way..... generally it's only good parents who give themselves a hard time when they are not perfect!.... like you are doing. .. and croissants, oranges and apples sound totally fine to me! There's some nutrition in there for sure! Maybe not every day, but sounds ingenious for an evening!

I hope you can manage to rest and refund your inner peace....

@BraveGoldie thank you, your message is really kind.

I tried to get on with things and get back to work, but I feel emotionally and physically exhausted now and I just don't know if I can face tomorrow really! It sounds so pathetic. I am thinking though maybe to take tomorrow off and try to get another doctor's appointment. Although the online booking looks like it would have to be the same doctor and I can kind of imagine her not being thrilled to see me again!!

Also, I should have said, thank you to everyone for all the kind and helpful replies and advice.
Things don't feel better, but it has got easier (if that makes any sense!).

You're run down and need some proper rest. The doctor was crap. You need time off work.
Hope you're getting some sleep and feel a bit brighter in the morning. Your DH should be kissing your feet when he's back. You've had a right basinful as my nan would have said

Thanks! I just wish I could get a proper night's sleep but I've not been sleeping before 1 and waking up around 5... annoying! DH is back this evening and it will be lovely to see him, but he has elaborate plans for the weekend and I feel like...I just can't face it. But don't want to be a spoil sport either!

Put yourself forward and ditch the plans if you're not up to it. You need to properly recouperate. With small kids it's like the lifejacket analogy: you have to put you own on first or you won't be able to look after others. Taking your physical and mental health seriously isn't being a spoilsport it's just the sensible thing to do. The lack of sleep alone can make us feel nuts. Hope you get to catch up on that when he's back.

You can't breathe deeply without it hurting. It's the first week back after the Xmas hols which is a slog for all of us with young children, even if healthy. You are super run down. Don't even worry about MH until you have rested!!

You just need some quiet time to rest. Take today off. No need to rush back to doctors until you have rested.

And the weekend goes like this- "DH I'm still not better, you're in charge. DD1 needs to do her homework, DD2 needs to do some music practice, we need to get a present for so and so's party and do a couple of washing loads for the next week uniforms... once you have done all that, the rest of the time is your own to have big plans while looking after the DDs. I'm off to bed. Lunch would be nice but I can get my own if you're all out".