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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To change my mind about TTC

18 replies

sunflowery · 04/01/2020 22:28

I’ve name changed as I’ve posted on some of the conception threads.

My DH really wants to start a family. We’ve been married 10 months. I thought I did too and we agreed to try after Christmas. I’ve got a doctors appointment to have my implant removed. I browse the conception/baby name boards and I’ve started taking pre conception vitamins. I coo over baby clothes and feel envious when friends announce pregnancies. And now it’s looming so close (appointment next week) I just suddenly don’t feel ready yet. But my DH is so excited, I asked him what his New Years resolution was and he said to be expecting a baby by the end of the year. I feel it would hurt him to suddenly do a u turn on it now.

Is it cruel to go back on my word like this?

OP posts:

OrangeSlices998 · 04/01/2020 22:31

Can you pinpoint what it is that’s making you want to say not yet - is it something you can talk to your husband about and work through ie finances or work? It’s a big decision and while I don’t think anyone is 100% ready if you want to wait a month or longer then be honest. Some people it takes months to get pregnant, for us we got our little girl from the first month so be prepared and like I say just talk about it and be open.

CripsSandwiches · 04/01/2020 22:33

You shouldn't go ahead if you're not sure but I would want to be able to articulate what it is that makes you say you're not ready and discuss it with DH.

Original poster

sunflowery · 04/01/2020 22:39

It’s partly finances but to an outsider our finances seem healthy. We own our own home, although we bought it as a starter home so it’s only a small two bed. Prices are dropping in the area though so I worry about quickly outgrowing it and being trapped I suppose. We have a fair amount of savings though so I wonder if he would just see this as an excuse. I’m quite a worrisome person and he’s naturally very chilled so when I open up about my worries he will reassure me but another worry will pop up in its place!

OP posts:

ColourMeExhausted · 04/01/2020 22:40

Definitely discuss it with DH. Or could you talk to someone who's neutral so not a friend of DH or family member first, use them as a sounding board? Just thinking the talk with DH could get very emotional and result in hurt on both sides so best to be clear in your mind as to your reasons (although if you feel you're not ready it is of course absolutely your choice, you're the one who will be doing all the hard work with pregnancy!)

May I ask how old you are? If younger then could you ask DH to give you more time before deciding either way?

Like @OrangeSlices998, I conceived in our first month of trying, so it's not something to take chances with...

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 04/01/2020 22:41

Is it his eagerness that is causing you doubts? Has he considered the possibility of it not being a straightforward process. Is he happy to go through testing if there is no conception after a year of ttc?

I don't think you're unreasonable to sit down and talk through the possibilities. It's your body this will all happen in. What age are you both? Is this something you can put off for another 6 months/1 year if you feel that would be agreeable to you?

PurpleDaisies · 04/01/2020 22:41

If you’re not ready, you need to wait. It’s a big decision.

Danni12 · 04/01/2020 22:43

Wait until you are ready

Original poster

sunflowery · 04/01/2020 22:50

I was hoping that the good folk of mumsnet would be my sounding board as I’ve not confided in anyone about trying .

We’ve not really discussed that it might not be straightforward to be honest - I do think about it though. I know I can get pregnant because I unfortunately had a termination in my teens but not with him. I worry that it’ll happen straight away and I won’t be ready but I also simultaneously worry that it won’t happen and the earlier we find out the better it would be. Like I said though, he’s so relaxed about everything he’d say there’s no point crossing these bridges until we come to them!

I’m 26 almost 27 and he’s 30. He’s also just about to start a career change and there’s things I haven’t achieved work wise yet that I want to, although I do have a decent job with family friendly policies.

OP posts:

4amWitchingHour · 04/01/2020 23:07

If I were in your position I'd be feeling the pressure from DH! A new year's resolution to be expecting a baby??That's really not how it works, he needs to chill the fuck out.

I think it's normal to be a bit nervous - it's a big life change, and especially if you think it might happen straight away.

If there isn't something specific you're worried about (and it doesn't sound like there is - as you say, if you dismiss one fear another pops up, which is anxiety rather than things to actually worry about) then try and identify what you are feeling uneasy about (stalling career temporarily? a sense of freedom? your body changing? just the quite scary responsibility?) and share it with him. It doesn't mean you've changed your mind (you've not mentioned that you have), just that nerves are normal.

I really hope he can listen and not be too overexcited about the whole thing and dismissive of how you're feeling.

Isleepinahedgefund · 04/01/2020 23:08

You need to talk to him and tell him how you feel and in particular why you feel that way. See what he has to say - he might be able to reassure you.

Original poster

sunflowery · 04/01/2020 23:23

Thank you - I will discuss with him. I just wonder if it is unfair to backtrack when I’ve been keen for months. I’ve made him sound very eager but he actually hardly mentions it unless I bring it up (new year comment aside) but it’s not a secret it’s what he wants. I can’t say I feel pressured by his words, as it’s a plan we’ve made jointly I guess. As he’s a few years older most of his friends are starting to have their babies now and he is a bit of a natural with them.

OP posts:

OrangeSlices998 · 05/01/2020 00:00

Do you not think it’s more unkind and cruel to start trying to conceive a baby you don’t actually want yet? Pregnancy is rough and mine was very much planned and wanted, and there were still days I wondered what on earth I was doing!

NameChange30 · 05/01/2020 00:08

The most important thing is whether you want children at all - if you want them but just not yet, it's not big deal, but if you're having second thoughts about having them full stop, it would be unfair to string your husband along. Either way you should just be honest and tell him how you're feeling.

As you're 26/27, you still have plenty of time. You do need to consider how many children you want - of course people change their minds about this, but it would be wise to discuss it and if you agree on wanting a big family, you'd need to get started. But if you just want one or two you can take more time.

It is a tricky decision to make and we all have our worries about having a baby - I don't think anyone is ever 100% ready, but ideally you'd be at least 95% sure and it doesn't sound like you are yet!

When you are nearly ready, though, I would suggest that you get your implant removed and use other (non-hormonal) contraception for a while, because it can take a while for your cycles to get back to normal after using the implant (or the pill for that matter).

Original poster

sunflowery · 05/01/2020 08:44

You are right @OrangeSlices998 it definitely is. I’m so confused myself because I’ve been so excited to start this journey and now it’s so close I’m having these thoughts. He’s going to think I’m a loon!

@NameChange30 I do 100% want a family - I wouldn’t make that up. It’s just the timing.
Thanks for the tip about hormonal contraception!

OP posts:

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 05/01/2020 08:54

I also got pregnant first month of trying and it was such a shock and I didnt cope very well with it at all.

I would have a chat with him and just explain that the appointment had focused your mind - before it was an abstract idea of a baby and now you have made the appointment it seems a lot more real, in a few weeks you could be feeling sick and have to cut out all sorts of food and alcohol etc and going for medical appointments etc and you just dont feel ready for it.

It might help if you have something specific that you want to achieve first or a specific timeframe where you think you will want to start trying, to reassure him that you havent changed your mind completely

toomuchtooold · 05/01/2020 09:17

I want to say something I'm probably going to get flamed for.

In most (not all) families, the lion's share of childcare ends up being done by the woman. If there's a career hit to be taken, it's usually the woman who takes it. I think if you have a feeling that you're not ready, it doesn't matter if your DH thinks it's odd or blowing hot and cold or whatever, I think you should stick to your guns.

I also think it might be worth you both talking over what your expectations are about what life will be like when the baby comes - things like who is taking parental leave and for how long, how will you handle a non-sleeping baby, what are your expectations about free time off, that sort of thing. And have a look at some of the AIBUs on here from women whose DH's keep doing their hobby for 3 nights a week plus a weekend day when they have 3 under 4 and this sort of thing. Your DH seems so excited about having a newborn in the house I can't help being suspicious that either he thinks you're going to do all the work, or more benign and more common, he has given very little thought to how much work it is and in the months when he is coming to terms with the reality, you will be the one picking up the slack.

Blanca87 · 05/01/2020 09:26

Excellent post @toomuchtooold, I concur with what you are saying. OP, you really need to discuss all these practical aspects of having a child as it may prevent future resentment..

Original poster

sunflowery · 05/01/2020 11:11

Thank you for such an honest post @toomuchtooold. I agree that women end up with the lions share. I think in our situation we would both prefer him to take on the more ‘traditional mum’ role while I focus more on work but my work has much better flexibility/parental leave etc so we are both aware that may not be possible. I don’t mind that though. I also like the idea of giving him a couple of tangible things I’d like to achieve first because that’s true and I do have some examples. I love the good advice on here

OP posts:

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