Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Left husband, what do I do now?

49 replies

outofservice · 04/01/2020 19:51

I finished relationship last summer. H refused to leave jointly owned\ mortgaged house and I was forced out back to my home town. We have 2 young children and they are with me Sunday teatime until Friday. H has them every weekend.
In the last 6 months I have sent letters to say that I don't want anything from the house and that I am happy for him to take me off the mortgage. He has been vile over Christmas, hasn't paid his pitiful maintenance contribution for the past 3 weeks and is now telling me that I am still on the mortgage and owe his 6 months of my share.
Does anyone know how I can get off the mortgage without it costing me too much money.
He is a bully and refuses to communicate without being cruel and never answers questions anyway so is impossible to sort things out with him.
When I left, he said he would divorce me in a couple of years because it's cheaper. He has the marriage certificate and mortgage documents.
I am desperate to have my kids for at least one weekend a month for some quality time with them but he is adamant he has them every weekend. Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 05/01/2020 10:40

You pay to get the kids to him?

This needs to go back to court and fast the contact schedule and you paying is unfair.

Original poster

outofservice · 05/01/2020 10:42

Yes, he brings them back to me but drives so costs about £15 in petrol.

OP posts:

ElloBrian · 05/01/2020 10:45

Oh god please stop agreeing to things in writing without proper legal advice! You were in a much stronger position than you realised OP and you are fucking yourself over by giving in to everything he wants. You must get proper legal advice immediately and negotiate a proper agreement about the kids. Please please take action!

Singlenotsingle · 05/01/2020 10:47

I don't quite understand why you're letting him call the shots. You dont live in the house any more so why does he think you can afford to pay half the mortgage? You don't owe money to the mortgage company - you both owe it, jointly and severally, which means that it's a joint debt. They would chase him as well as you, and if there's a big debt they'll repossess (which might be the best result for you).

As far as the children are concerned, why are you paying train fares? Stop now. And if there's an agreement between you and him for the weekends, it's not enforceable unless it was ratified by the court

Sleepingboy · 05/01/2020 10:53

You need to stop agreeing to everything he says.

GabriellaMontez · 05/01/2020 10:53

Omg. You sound ground down. You have to pay a solicitor to guide you through this.

I imagine the first thing would be to immediately alter the contact arrangement. Do it yourself. What's he going to do?

I understand you want to escape but you will have to fight him a bit. Do if for your kids Who must be wondering when they'll next get a weekend with their Mum.

It will bethebest money you ever spent.

socialeye · 05/01/2020 10:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

GabriellaMontez · 05/01/2020 10:58

Reported

Grumpos · 05/01/2020 11:15

You NEED urgent legal advice, firstly regarding the contact, he has no right to make demands over every weekend so that you have no quality time with your children. He can’t just dictate this, if he decides in fact he can then let him file a court order, it will go to mediation first anyway so you can go along and be perfectly reasonable about splitting weekends and holidays.

Secondly the mortgage / debt situation, needs to be carefully examined and explored by a solicitor. He is doing all of this because he believes you will not react, won’t kick up a fuss, will continue to sign things and go along with his demands. As soon as you start making it clear that these things aren’t happening anymore then he starts to lose his power.

Some solicitors will just let you make a monthly or regular instalments rather than ending up with massive one off invoices, perhaps something to ask?

Good luck!!

2020newme · 05/01/2020 11:19

Yes, you need legal advice.

The only way to untangle this mess is to get divorced. No way should you be agreeing to give up your fair share of marital assets, including the house. If he isn't paying maintenance you cannot afford to get the DC to him. Put the ball back in his court so he is the one dishing out for solicitors.

You need to emotionally detach. Stay calm and focused. Good Luck.

Original poster

outofservice · 05/01/2020 12:50

Thanks everyone. Yes, I've been ground down and controlled for the last 9 years. It's been very difficult to leave and I am slowly recovering from years of abuse, so subtle that it took me a long time to realise what was going on.
My ex is nasty, vindictive and manipulative. My children adore him and it's very hard to stop them from seeing him when they are desperate to go.
I appreciate I am losing out financially but for my own sanity, walking away has been the better option.
I'll be filing for divorce even if I have to get a loan to do it.

OP posts:

Upsideandundergarments · 05/01/2020 13:42

You can do this! You've done the hardest part and got away from that pathetic man. You've taken the time you need to recover your mental health and build up your strength which was right as it's what you needed.

Now is the time to get back in the ring and get what you deserve which is proper maintenance, a fair contact schedule, and control over your financial arrangements whether you want to be on or off the mortgage.

Cryingoverspilttea · 05/01/2020 13:48

I've reported this for MN to check in the background. Please remember don't give money to strangers, folks

ohwheniknow · 05/01/2020 13:49

So, it is domestic violence.

People can't help you if you don't call it what it is and cover up for him by denying he's an abuser. Why were you claiming there was no abuse earlier in the thread when clearly there is and you're acknowledging it is abuse?

Speak to Women's Aid. 0808 2000 247

Report him to the police - coercive control (non physical abuse) is a crime.

Do the Freedom Programme so you can protect yourself more easily. Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

ohwheniknow · 05/01/2020 13:50

Tell your solicitor there is/was abuse too. Otherwise you won't get the right advice.

Techway · 05/01/2020 13:58

Csn I just check, Your H applied to court to stop you moving but at a hearing the judge allowed the move, is that right? In the consent order did you agree to every weekend with him?

If you have already agreed then you need a variation to alter court order. Eow would be reasonable so I think a court will agree.

How far did you move? Does it make midweek contact impossible? Are the children settled and happy in school?

1WayOrAnother · 05/01/2020 13:59

OP you MUST take control of your situation. I agree with previous posters , just stop agreeing to everything. A solicitor will give you advice on your legal position which will enable you to have more perspective on the situation.
You've done the hard part by leaving, unfortunately you've made your own situation worse by allowing this man to brow beat you. Remember you have rights as a parent and as a divorcing spouse. You need to find out what they are and stick to your guns. You cannot do this without paying for proper legal advice.

MumW · 05/01/2020 14:01

No experience of this but to get legal aid, does it have to be DV as in physically hurting or does coercive control also count as it most certainly hurts MH and self-esteem?

It also seems that he is still using emotionsl/coercive techniques to control the situation.

I'm sure that you can get some support from Women's Aid.

Original poster

outofservice · 05/01/2020 16:13

I understand that controlling and coersive behavior is DV, I haven't ever reported him to the police or doctors which I think I have to do to be considered for legal aid, anyway, I am OK for money thanks, not here for financial help, just general advice. Will hopefully see a solicitor on Wednesday

OP posts:

Original poster

outofservice · 05/01/2020 16:28

techway there is no consent order. The judge threw the case out so I moved 40 miles away. IRL I have a lot of support, I just thought someone here might be able to help with things we didn't know which they have, thanks.

OP posts:

june2007 · 05/01/2020 16:39

If your on a mortgage you can,t just say take me off. Your debt is with the bank who you borrowed from right.? Also sounds like your childcare arrangement seems fair to me. Def get legal advice.

welshladywhois40 · 05/01/2020 19:19

Hi saw your post about a local solicitor - I never met mine and used a recommendation and she was 150 miles away. All done via phone meeting and email.

I remember getting nag advice using google and then a call back from a internet based law firm and they did give the free 30 minutes - have a google

Original poster

outofservice · 05/01/2020 20:59

welshladywhois40, great advice, thank you. I have just sent my query to an online lawyer.
STBX asked me (when he dropped the kids off) if I was seeking a divorce or just arranging a transfer of equity so I am under the impression that he has a new mortgage lined up as he said his offer expires at the beginning of February???

OP posts:

Twillow · 05/01/2020 21:36

Was in a similar situation. Had no money to pay half of mortgage as I was paying for my rent! I contacted the mortgage company who are very used to this kind of thing. The house is in joint names, you just need to say you have separated and now live at a different address so you get copies of the paperwork. We had to go through a financial settlement as ex was not willing to agree anything between us - he came off worse through doing this. I did not have to pay any of the mortgage for the period after I had left. In the financial settlement I also had the chance to ask for any personal possessions I wanted returned which was enforceable, and there was some arguing over the value of possessions in the house though he lied about several things that were definitely over £500 (the figure that is significant for individual items) so effectively everything we had bought together became his. I am a master of buying on ebay and facebook now, having entirely furnished and done up my new house with hardly anything bought new!
Let him divorce you when he is ready. If he does it, he has to pay the fees! In the meantime, your joint house will be accruing value and equity at his expense.
Kids. Stay polite and business-like with him. Don't engage in arguments. With the CMS, just remind him he can pay it directly or let it be taken from his wages. He will see sense I imagine. Mine did. It's regretful that you agreed to his demands for weekends and hiolidays - I really don't thin a judge would have accepted that. Of you can, start to make more requests for change, little by little, such as keeping them for x week of the summer holiday so you can go away, or x weekend as it it your birthday etc. It would be unreasonable for him to refuse and would be looked at unfavourably if you need to go to court over this (which is where I feel any money you spend should be used!)
Financial settlement cost us in the region of £10-15k each. Try to avoid it if you can help it, it is only the solicitors that benefit (unless you have large equity) and they will think nothing of passing on each petty question to you to be answered at a price of £100 plus an hour.

Flip

1 2