Pregnant friend and feeling weird

[keysonthehighshelf]

So happy for her. She's going to be an incredible mum. I have a 14 month old. Was an awful pregnancy, awful birth, left abusive relationship when he was 3 months old. Why did my friend announcing her pregnancy give me an overwhelming sense of sadness? Almost like she's doing it properly and I didn't. It's not envy or jealousy as I'm so, so happy for her. I cried tears of happiness for her as I have been there through illness and thinking she may not have children. I however just have this underlying sense of unhappiness. I feel sad. Am I being stupid? I could cry just thinking about it.

You're not being stupid you've been through a hell of a lot more than a lot of women go through in what's meant to be one of the happiest times of their life. I guess your friend's pregnancy is just making you relive some of those emotions deep down. You're not stupid and it's not your fault.

She talks about her pregnancy non stop, and I really do not mind because I know how exciting it is and how overwhelmed she is to even be pregnant. I just feel so sad that my experience wasn't what hers was. I feel really sad and alone.

I don't want to feel like this every time a friend gets pregnant.

I don’t think you will feel like that every time someone has a pregnancy but it’s completely understandable given yours didn’t go the way you would have liked it to.

It is a form of envy but not in a malicious way; you need to process your feelings and concentrate on the moments of happiness that you did and do get to experience.

Have you looked into counselling or ways to be able to process this on your own?

I struggle with the same feelings, I don't have any answers but wanted to say that you aren't alone and it's not stupid.

It's grief. If you're kind to yourself and allow yourself to work through your feelings it will gradually shift. It won't always be this hard.

Thank you. I really am considering counselling but not getting anywhere on the NHS and can't afford private. I'm seeing someone for sexual abuse counselling though. I might speak to her. I feel really awful. It's not malicious at all. I guess maybe it is envy, but it doesn't stop me being happy for her. I just don't know how to process this.

You're not being stupid and I can understand your overwhelming sadness .
You are obviously pleased for your friend , you have always wanted the best for her .
Your experience of pregnancy and childbirth was horrible AND you had to deal with an abusive relationship at the same time . You probably never had time or opportunity to deal with any of the distressing bits and there were probably not many enjoyable moments during this episode of your life to counterbalance the miserable ones . You coped with everything , whilst full of hormones ; you kept yourself and your developing son safe ......hats off to you , you did good .
Your friend's happy news is bound to tap into your primal self and remind you how things were for you at that time and how your own dreams went awry .
Let yourself have a good cry . Grieve for your lost relationship with your abusive ex and 'what might and should have been' . There will come a time when you will feel more robust and an opportunity will arise when you will be able to talk to your friend about the emotions that surfaced when she told you and it will be ok .

You won't feel like this every time. The first few are the worst and occasionally other times when a relationship is very close. Be kind to yourself and keep doing what you're doing

I think it's wonderful you're acknowledging this and not taking this out on your friend. It must be so very painful and you're still being strong and kind and loving.

@disfordarkchocolate - thank you for acknowledging that. Either way I am going to feel the same. I had a friend who phased me out when I got pregnant. Because she couldn't have kids. It was hurtful. I understood, but wouldn't want to inflict that hurt on to anyone else. Plus once it's done my son will have a new friend 😁