Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Emotional affair

16 replies

TOPPOT · 04/01/2020 11:37

Husband and I both know that I have been unhappy with his previous history with a female work colleague since 2017. He has deleted texts, repeatedly lied about this and done nothing to deter the 'friendship'. AIBU to be annoyed that he is going out of his way to spend time with her alone at work, lied to me when I asked who he was with and bought her the same book for Christmas that he bought me.

OP posts:
EssentialHummus · 04/01/2020 11:41

Clearly not - but what are you going to do about it? Do you want to end things, or are you hoping to reconcile?

Original poster
TOPPOT · 04/01/2020 11:45

I'm not quite sure. I've given the whole situation alot of thought and I think I'm going to stay quiet, save money, plan and seperate after my eldest has done her GCSEs this year.

OP posts:
leostar1994 · 04/01/2020 12:01

YANBU - I think this would upset most people who are in committed relationships and marriages.

You need to have a conversation about this and if his answers aren't satisfactory, decide whether you can put up with it long term or not.

Original poster
TOPPOT · 04/01/2020 12:49

We spoke about it and he said that he didnt think that it was a big deal and that she was transferring to another area soon. In other words, you won't have to put up with it much longer. Said he hadn't lied, just hadn't mentioned that she was there.

OP posts:
FudgeBrownie2019 · 04/01/2020 12:51

An omission of the truth is still a lie for me. Everyone is different but any kind of deceit is the death knell for my relationships. What are you getting from the marriage?

KarmaStar · 04/01/2020 13:22

Carry on quietly getting everything in place to leave,finances etc...or for him to leave!get all your childcare in place and a solicitor,everything ready and then tell limits over.
You deserve much much more than this.Flowers

Original poster
TOPPOT · 04/01/2020 13:49

I really want to tell him that I want a divorce to get it off my chest and prevent me changing my mind as time heals

OP posts:
MelroseHigginbottom · 04/01/2020 13:55

He doesn't respect you or your marriage vows. I couldn't stay with my Dh if he was doing this. You deserve so much better.

MelroseHigginbottom · 04/01/2020 13:57

And just because she is moving soon doesn't mean diddly squat. He'll still be contacting her. He's an idiot. Save yourself a world of pain and leave him. Don't give him an ultimatum just go. If he really wants his marriage to work he'll do what he needs to do to get you back and keep you.

elmosducks · 04/01/2020 14:10

Hmmm... Can the deleted messages be retrieved? That's bizarre, why delete them?

PicsInRed · 04/01/2020 14:28

We spoke about it and he said that he didn't think that it was a big deal and that she was transferring to another area soon. In other words, you won't have to put up with it much longer

This is an enormous red flag, OP.
If you read between the lines, it's possible that they are positioning themselves for him to leave you (her now working in a different area). The "you won't have to put up with it much longer" takes on a different hue when viewed through that prism.

Original poster
TOPPOT · 04/01/2020 15:51

He deleted them because I saw some flirty ones and he promised to stop texting her. Caught him out 3 times after that

OP posts:
user1470132907 · 04/01/2020 15:57

The total disrespect is what really gets me about his behaviour. It’s one thing to develop some grey-area feelings for someone and get a bit too close to them, especially when in a long relationship (both my husband and I have almost been there, I would say), but to just carry on and not even be embarrassed at being caught out by you makes me really angry at him.

elmosducks · 04/01/2020 16:06

After that update, I would call it a day. That is incredibly disrespectful.

He is having his cake and you are serving it to him...

Lippy1234 · 04/01/2020 16:27

I’m really sorry to read this TOPPOT, especially the book bit. Why is your DH buying another woman a Christmas present?
I’d give him a clear ultimatum and let him know what is at risk. Something along the lines ‘I’m not happy with your inappropriate friendship with this woman, as far as I’m concerned it’s crossing a boundary, what you do is up to you but I am not going to tolerate it any longer. If this friendship continues there will be consequences, I will divorce you, I will be going for 70% (or whatever, exaggerate to scare him) of the marital assets, 70% of the pension pots, the choice is yours.’

Grumpos · 04/01/2020 16:38

I wouldn’t bother with an ultimatum. You’ve already told him this is hurtful and demeaning to you and your marriage....and he’s not stopped, in fact he dismissed your feelings and lied about it all.

There doesn’t seem to be much worth saving here, this is the one person who should love and care for you the most in life....and yours doesn’t even value you enough to actually listen, or care when you say his actions are hurting you.

He doesn’t care. That’s the long and short of it. You know that so the question is what do you do to remove such contempt from your life?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page