Should I do what he says?

[Iwishmoneygrewontrees]

NC for this.

So pretty much the only thing me and my partner fight about is money, he has a decent wage for our current circumstances which leaves us with just under £2k per month from him. I’m on maternity atm so my earnings are pretty low, after all bills and other deductions were both left with around £300 each to spend on food etc. He has a lot of old debt he’s paying off.
Dd is due to start nursery soon or some form of childcare, which is obviously ridiculously expensive.
Trouble is, I absolutely hate my job, I’ve never worked in such a volatile environment where most of the staff seem against each other, some managers are absolutely horrible and bitchy, which is a shame because it used to be a nice place to work. So because of this I definitely want to avoid going back to work there, however they only good thing is that it’s flexible and would work around my partners shifts. He thinks the only way we can afford to live is if I go back into this job, as if I started somewhere else it wouldn’t fit around his shifts more than likely and we would have to fork out more for nursery, of course there’s other ways of making money, I’m currently trying to start up a business as well as looking at earning online thanks to the mumsnet money making threads 😉 His contract ends soon so he could take quite a drop in pay if it isn’t renewed so I need to be earning enough.
But dp has pretty much just forced me to say I’ll go back to that job or it’s over between us, obviously I am definitely going back to work as we can survive on one wage but would have absolutely nothing left over afterwards, but I just want a fresh start, I want to be on a career ladder which I am currently not, I don’t want to be coming back after work in a shitty mood and crying at work, I want a chance at a better wage as mine is pretty standard. I just said to him the money problems are because of him, which I probably shouldn’t have said but thinking about it it’s true, it’s his debt, I have none, we would have so much leftover if he didn’t have this debt. I’ve tried to help him with it and he is really trying to get rid of it so I feel bad for saying it but I couldn’t help think of he didn’t have this debt we wouldn’t even be having this fight. Anyways he’s just stormed out the house and said he’s done.

AIBU to not want to go back to work there? I can see where he’s coming from in that we would have a lot more left over if I went back there, but if I can get a good enough job this would also be the case or we would at least have some left over.

So us he trying hard to clear the debt or is he making it bigger? How much bigger and how did this happen?

What is your house/finances situation?

I think both of you are being a bit unreasonable.

You saying you want a career change when you are the most financially stretched you will be.

Him for getting into debt after you were pregnant (if I've read the update correctly?) and also saying he will leave if you change jobs and now saying he is done. It seems a bit of an over reaction.

Have you got a clear idea of what you want to do and how you want to get there? I would look into that and any benefits you would get it you were studying. Could you go back to work for two years until your child has the 30 free hours and then have a plan for then?

Just check you don’t have stipulations in your maternity pay. Some places expect you to go back for at least 3 months or they want some of it back - very much depends on where you work and the type of may pay you had. When I just had statutory no issues. When I was employed by a LA the mat pay was tonnes better but had stipulations attached.

How's he getting into debt if he has a good income? What is he spending it on? That's the thing that would worry me the most. He needs to get that under control.

In terms of your job, I think you should start looking for a new job but go back to the old one until you find a new one. YANBU to take a new job even if the shifts are not as flexible if it's a better job (as long as you can afford childcare, obviously).

I know several mums who have tried to start their own business after having a baby. In most cases it's been hard for them to make much money compared to a normal job.

Btw in my post above I meant if you can afford childcare between the two of you - not just you. Sorry if that wasn't clear.

Get everything in place for childcare as far in advance as possible before you go back to ensure your DD is settled. I found that to be my biggest concern when actually at work.

You may find you have a completely different perspective on the work relationships now and it won't matter. Keep in mind that you are working for the money to support your family and you are doing the best that you can for the 3 of you.

Once you are back and settled in to the routine, look for another job.

£600 per month is quite a lot spare. I assume the above pp are all the 70k types.

It's your life and you only live once, cut back, live more frugally. Enjoy the early years with your DC and don't go back to a job you hate.

You don't have to work. Plenty of people are SAHMs. If you can make ends meet I would massively recommend it.
Walks are free. Mum and baby clubs often cost only £1. Shop at Lidl, can feed family for week for £60. Make local friends. There's whole communities out there and millions of women choose this route.

I'm sorry but I can't get past the fact he's blackmailing you. Do.as I say or it's over. You really want to be with a man who's got in to debt and expects you to work somewhere you hate.
Perhaps if he was more careful with money then you wouldn't need to go back to work.
Personally I'd be working out of i wanted to stay with someone who blackmails me.

My issue with this is that there is no give and take. It's his way or no way. He wants you back in a job you hate, unable to make any changes because of his debt, and working around his shifts. You make all the compromises here and he makes none. He wants you to maintain the status quo no matter how unhappy you are or he strops off with threats and emotional blackmail. Sorry but if he thinks that little of your relationship when you have a child together that he would leave over this then it probably tells you exactly where you stand anyway. Dont hold yourself back this loser. However, given how shakey your relationship is and your DPs propensity to be controlling being a SAHM would be the worst thing you could do right now. Go back to your old job or find a new one whilst you get your business going.

@Ellisandra everyone gets statutory maternity pay, not everyone gets enhanced maternity pay which is what I believe @Swimslikeamole is referring to.

@TriangleBingoBongo not everyone gets SMP and not everyone is even eligible for maternity allowance either. You have to meet the eligibility criteria. Some women aren’t eligible for any money but, if you are employed, all are entitled to 12 months off.

Why does he keep wracking up debt? That's your biggest problem, servicing the debts. Has he spoken to someone about it, taken advice, is he committed to not taking on more? Is he paying the minimum payments in everything, how long before he's debt free, how much difference does it make to your expenditure once this debt has been repaid. What did he do with the money? Because if he's fritterednit away on crap or been gambling or spunking £200 on nights out and it's now having a serious affect on your standard of living I would be seriously consider ltb.

You need to go back to your old job then find something else. But you definitely need to address the debt and his attitude to debt. I am pretty relaxed about CCs etc, and we do have a bit of manageble debt. Think a lot of people do. But if it's not manageable or both people don't benefit from the debt it's unfair to expect you to subsidise it.

Why is everyone saying she should go back for now and look for something else? Her dp is saying he doesn't want her in a different job at all as it wouldn't work with his shifts (which may not be an issue if his contract ends anyway?) and she might earn less?

@TriangleBingoBongo not everyone gets SMP, though you’re right that those who do, do not have to repay it if they don’t return to work.

I was correcting the PP who seemed to be living in a bubble where people get enhanced maternity pay - far from standard! So assuming that the OP would have anything to repay was wrong.

It all hinges on the further debt accumulated during your pregnancy and maternity, for me.

Although losing his temper over it is wrong, I can understand the stress he might be feeling that on top of potentially having a lower salary soon himself, the other earner is now throwing more practical and financial complication into the mix.

If you’ve brought it up for discussion and he’s just lost his shit - YANBU.
If you’ve unilaterally told him you don’t plan to go back and the result is a lower income - I have more sympathy with him.

That he was in debt before, I wouldn’t necessarily throw back at him. Often people are in debt because of bad luck, not poor choices. You both chose to have a baby when he was in debt, and you need both your salaries. So you chose to accept the debt as part of your life situation. I don’t mean that you should be liable for the actual cost of the debt. Put I think by having a baby together, you’ve accepted the life situation of the debt - which includes things like not being able to just think “sod it” when you don’t like your job.

But him continuing to get into debt after you made that choice is another matter. Were you aware of it? Were your decisions part of it?

Money is tight, he’s in debt, he’s up against a pay cut... no wonder he’s stressed about you wanting to quit a job that works for you as a family, practically. Whether he’s unreasonable depends on the actual detail of how he’s handled it. Though that does sound like - badly.