Confused about who is in the wrong!

[bitofclarityplease]

Sorry if this is long, I want to avoid any drip-feeding.

My DH and I have been together for seven years and have young DC together. I also have a preteen DD from a previous marriage.

My exH was abusive towards me -emotionally, financially and towards the very end, had started to become physically. Dd was very young when I ended things as I became determined she wouldn't grow up in an abusive household.

ExH has maintained contact with Dd (court ordered) and they have a fairly good relationship. I work hard from my side to ensure that she isn't aware of any animosity between us.

Behind the scenes though, he does still try to emotionally control in certain ways. We use text to communicate and he will flip between being very nice and being very unpleasant. If he doesn't get his own way, he is quick to anger and makes threats about taking me back to court etc. Recently he's been trying to cause further issue by threatening to not allow Dd to go on a trip we both authorised as a type of emotional blackmail. Dd currently has no idea about this.

It's been causing a lot of stress from my side because I'm worrying about sorting things in time for her to go. When me and exH see each other in public at contact drop-offs he's nice as anything but the threat of pulling his consent was in writing and he's made no attempt to take it back.

So I decided to request that we meet face to face to discuss things. There are a few different issues to talk about, but I want to meet in public during the day so that I'm not at risk, and sort this out properly like adults. He agreed.

The problem I now have is my DH. Initially he said he understood my need to do this face to face meeting, but said that he was worried about me going because of how my exH treated me in the past. I said I understood this and am happy to work with him to ensure that the risk is as minimal as possible, but that I'm confident of my safety as long as I'm in a public place etc. He then get annoyed that I'd asked my exH about having the meeting without discussing it with him first. I said that as I'm the one who has to co-parent and has to take on all of the stress of this situation, it's my decision to do this.

He's now been stropping around the house for a couple of days. He originally said he didn't like the idea but wasn't angry directly with me. He now says he is angry with me, recognises that I haven't done anything wrong but is still 'allowed to be angry if he wants.'

I've basically told him that, by effectively being angry that I'm going to be having this meeting, he is being jealous, possessive and treating me like he owns me, which is no better than the behaviour he claims to be 'concerned about.' I've also said I'm no ones possession, and that I will be conducting the meeting with or without his support.

So is he wrong or am I? Help!

You know it’s not you. His motives might well be that he’s worried about you. Or they might be more to do with possession. But you know you’ve done nothing wrong.

He’s angry because he’s scared for you. He’s expressing it badly but that’s why he’s angry.

Has he acted this way before?

It seems to me that he's angry because he's worried about you and so would I in his shoes as well.

I get where you're all coming from, and it was why I tried to be understanding of this and reassure him that we could put measures in place so that he would feel as comfortable as possible and so would I. For example, I talked to him about where the meeting could potentially be, and how he could remain in the vicinity if this would ease the worry (I.e wait in another part of the building until I'd finished but in an agreed location so that I could come straight to him if I felt I needed to.) Bearing in mind that I often have to do contact handovers with my exH alone and whilst it's always in a public place, surely if he was that concerned for the safety aspect he would also want to attend during these too?
He agreed initially with coming with me to wait, but went on to get annoyed about me asking for the meeting before discussing it with him and this lead to his stropping.
One of the things he said was 'it's not so much what he could do when you're both there, it's how he might feel afterwards because he'll think he's in with a chance again.' He's fairly convinced that exH is still obsessed with me (evidential only in that he is still interested in being emotionally manipulative and abusive, nothing else to suggest this) and is therefore worried that this meeting could stir up more emotion I think?

Could you have this discussion as a mediation session so there's a trained third party there?

@WhenISnappedAndFarted - sorry I didn't include in my previous response - no my DH hasn't really acted this way before, but I guess there isn't a lot of reason to. I work part time very close to where he works and we take the same train to work. Due to young DC neither of us really go out socially much and if we do it's usually together.

I haven't ever met with exH face to face since separation without my Dd there (during a handover) but I'm so fed up of being stressed and worried about what he's going to verbally throw at me next that I want to discuss things properly. He's much more spiteful in written form then he dares to be face to face nowadays because he no longer has me under his control I guess.

Mediation is a possibility but I guess I just wanted to get things sorted quickly and concisely. I think it also boils down to me wanting to create an impression of no longer being someone he can bully, so by meeting in a civilised manner and showing him I'm able to respectfully discuss matters with him to get issues sorted, he may realise I'm not the young malleable woman he used to push around. I've got no intention of going in there all guns blazing, but would have a carefully thought out agenda for discussion and try to have an opportunity to get both sides of the situation heard. Possible over-optimism on my part but I want to try everything I can to co-parent reasonably for the sake of my Dd.