I am not my mother

[Lilypad1975]

I am the adult child of an alcoholic mother. My mother was very promiscuous during my early childhood and often had various men in our home.

As a result of her alcoholism (neglect) I was put into care at 6 years old and moved around until my biological father was granted custody of me at the age of 13.

Now this is the issue, my father, from the age of 14 would tell me that I will inherit my mother's behaviours because of my genetic predisposition. I was told I would sleep around and become an alcoholic. I was hurt at the time but he was my parent, I trusted him so I never said anything. My older siblings believed this too and would say much the same "you're your mother's daughter".
I carried this around until I left home and married my now husband, we have been together almost 20 years.
Although my father has sometimes, with his wife, shared concerns because I enjoy a glass of wine every so often, I haven't been accused of promiscuity in 20 years.

Recently however, I opened up about problems in my marriage (which I regret) My father then said that if we separate I will begin sleeping around because it is in my genetic code.

I was so angry I have not spoken to him or any member of my family in a month. I can't believe he is still saying awful things and what is worse is my siblings believe this rubbish too. I feel so upset and sick of this bullshit I never want to speak to him again and I know I cannot get through to him because he has always disregarded my feelings.
AIBU in thinking that just because my mother was an alcoholic and promiscuous, that does not mean I am destined to be the exact same.

You are not your mother, ignore the silly old fool.

Sorry but your Father is talking out of his backside. I'm not suprised that you feel upset and sick, I would too. I'm really sorry that you have had to listen to such utter rubbish.

There is absolutely no gene for sleeping around. The vast majority of all this stuff is not genetic. But, but, even if it were he’d still be a massive dick to mention it to you WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD(!?) or now!

Isn't there something called projection, where someone's feelings / thoughts (characteritics?) are projected onto others. It sounds bit like that. very unfair. I think we can learn from our parents rather than have their nature. We all have a choice.

You are not your mother. You shouldn’t be judged based on your mother’s behaviour, you are an individual. Ignore the hurtful comments.

Twenty years of being a faithful wife? You're demonstrably very different from your mother.

Half your dna is from him. In much the same way that you aren't an insensitive dickhead with no self awareness whatsoever, you also aren't a promiscuous alcoholic.

Funny that. It's almost like you're an individual, unique human being in your own right.

He's a complete twat OP, and I think you'd be completely reasonable to have nothing more to do with him, if that's what you want.

And your siblings sound like they have the emotional depth of a puddle too.

It's not you, it's them.

Oh just please ignore him. Change your phone number and forget about him. He doesn't deserve you....

Sorry, OP, but your dad sounds abusive. He's basically calling you a slag and making up a bull shit excuse to hang his shitty behaviour on AND he has managed to gas light your siblings into having the same view as him. Himself and his wife express concern if you drink alcohol?! How long have they used your mother's behaviour to control you?

Tell him if I can resist bring a douche like you I can resist being like her

Thank you all

@krustykittens they have done this for as long as I've been old enough to understand.
The ironic thing is that almost every time I visit they offer me alcohol.

I once got very drunk at a family gathering 10 years ago and this gave them a lifetime of ammunition against me.
They really do believe everything they say and he has a very my way or the highway outlook on life.

They sound appalling! To say such things to a young child, never mind an adult, is disgusting. It sounds like they can't punish your mother so use you as a scapegoat instead.

It's a very unkind thing to say to a 14 year old, particularly to a 14 year old who has been neglected and spent half her life bouncing around the care system.

It's also very unkind thing to say to an adult when they are confiding in you about their marital problems.

Either he is not a kind person or he is still very angry with your mum and is taking it out on you. Or both.

Perhaps have a full and frank discussion with him explaining that he is being very hurtful. You are your own person with responsibility for your own life and choices. You are not destined to become your mother nor are you responsible for her past actions. Tell him you don't want to hear this from him again and give him a choice: either he amends his behaviour or go low contact.

But so what if you do have sexual relationships with others in the future, it's not a crime.

He sounds emotionally abusive to be honest. What a horrible thing to say to a child.

Thanks again, I'm still reeling from this, it never used to bother me but seems to be really affecting my thoughts recently.
Anyway, thanks for confirming that his thoughts are ridiculous.

I had an abusive, alcoholic father. I can feel certain people's states whenever I have a glass of wine and I've had more arguments than I care to remember with some people about my alcohol consumption (not always the best but I've had counselling and very honest conversations with doctors about it and I'm in a healthy place with it now). It's awful. But just as I am not my father, you are not your mother and we never have to be. Your father sounds like a complete arse to be Frank, anyone who could say things like that to a 14 year old and continue to say them for the next 20 odd years is a prize twat who needs to focus on their own issues rather than invent them in others.

Thank you @ToriaPumpkin it is weirdly nice to see someone experiencing something similar xx I have only ever been excessively drunk around family x never on my own or with friends. Surely if your family believes you have an alcohol problem, the last thing they should do is try and pour it down your throat?

Apologies for the x's there 🙄

Your father is probably projecting his guilt for abandoning you as a child and ignoring you for thirteen years! He knows rationally that none of that was your fault, it was his and your mother's, so he needs to roll that blame up in a bundle and tie it to your shoulders so he doesn't have to carry it himself. That makes him feel better. He needs to roll you and your mother into one. He needs to see you behaving the way she did, hence actively trying to get you drunk.

You don't need to collude in making him feel better. You don't need him and his toxic thinking in your life. You don't need to prove anything to anyone.

Untie the burden, lay it at his feet and walk away. Live your life, not his expectations