To feel depressed and not enjoy this time of year

[Everytimeiseeher]

Long thread coming but here goes. It’s really about how lonely I feel. A poor me pity post. Sorry.
My Dm and Dd are divorced. I have not spoke. To my dd for 22 years as was forced to take sides during divorce. I tried to speak to dd 15 years ago but he wasn’t interested. A lot has come out about him and I never wish speak to him again due to this. None of dd family like aunts uncles were close to me.
I have one db who has severe AN and has round the clock residential care.
I am divorced 5 years exh was from a large family who very fairly close when promoters to meet up it not in every day contact. We spend time with them a lot visiting over Xmas birthdays etc.
My dm has two brothers and a sister who all have their own family’s with grandchildren and tend to keep to themselves. No visiting each other often only if emergency kind of thing. I’ve kept in touch with cousins but we only see each other at family gatherings weddings/funerals. Am the ones I’m close to are married and close to in-laws.
I have two teenage children 13 &15 and a new partner who is from abroad so no family here.
In November I had an argument with my dm, I do lots for her and asked her a really simple favour and she said no. I work and am a full time student so busy 6 days a week and am run ragged. My exh is being continually difficult still after 5 years and emotionally I am run down. I’m on fluoxetine from the docs but it’s not really a problem solver.
My children have spend time at their dads over Xmas and my partner had Xmas day and Boxing Day off work. We work a lot and caught up on relaxing, sleeping eating watching tv. However I have not left the house now for nearly two weeks apart from taking the bin out lol
I am seeing lots of families on fb socialising with one another and having nights out with friends and Im feeling so lonely and depressed.
I have no family at all apart from my mum and children. The kids have been at their dads who has been to see his dsis with them. I have absolutely nothing to offer my kids here in the way of family. I’ve tried to make it a nice Xmas for them but they’ve been asking to stay at their dads extra nights making me feel even more alone and a failure. My dm has been visiting her siblings and her partners siblings and knows I am alone I feel she is being very cruel.
My dm was In hosp for 5 weeks at the beginning of 2019 and I was there constantly for her. And I mean constantly. I done everything for her and it still wasn’t good enough and she has been bitching at me since she got out of hosp all year and in November I finally snapped back as I’d had enough.
I know there’s nothing anyone can do but I just feel so lonely. My friends are all with their own families as they have lots of dbs/dsis and are close to parents and in-laws. I’ve asked them to meet up but they’re never free as have plans with work/family.
I can’t do this again next year I really can’t. What can I do to make it better.

Book a ski holiday for this time next year and put your best foot forward, and make your own happiness.

Also haven’t mentioned above my dm has not contacted my children at all since we fell out. She has given them Xmas presents by asking them to pop in for them when I dropped them at their dads on Xmas night but that’s it. She has never made an effort with her only grandchildren ever and due to this it’s making it very difficult for me to even attempt to make up with her. What sort of person does not contact their grandchildren during December?

I hate Christmas and often travel. A few years ago I volunteered at an elephant rescue/dog/cat sanctuary in Thailand. I loved it, it was so much better than being around my dysfunctional parents.

I can’t ski lol and it’s too expensive!

Also I would like to go away however the contact order for the children’s means I have to have them at their dads 5pm every Christmas evening.

I'm first generation immigrant on one side and second generation on the other, so I have hardly any family in the UK and I have lost touch with wider family.

I mix with people and read the threads on here and that gets me over the idea that having family is always a positive thing.

My Mother was never going to be the Mother she should have been or I deserved and you've got to come to terms with that.

One positive of being alone is that I get to do exactly what I want to. I think this comes with age.

It does hit you around Christmas, because we are told it's family time. When most people would rather spend the day doing what they want to.

You've got to change your mindset and plan your time out.

here you go OP

I'm feeling similar. Not the same scenario but feeling cut off from family for my DC, feeling I've failed them, feeling lonely(even though I have a DH). I'd been thinking of starting a post too.

Sorry I'm not much help, but you are not alone. Have a wallow then tomorrow find something positive in your day.

Thank you for your replies.
Yes I am having a wallow and feeling sorry for myself. I need to get a grip- that’ll come when I go back to work next week and back to reality. I’ve had too much thinking time.
And I also agree with reading others family woes posts. It makes me so grateful I dont have to contend with awful in laws, difficult family members and jumping to commands from others.

Also your contact arrangements are ending in the next few years because of the age of the children.

I'd start to have a think what you want your life to look like once your children are grown up.

It's a new type of freedom.

I’ll always want to spend time with my children at Christmas, I’ll never be like my mother and leaving them to it on their own. They equally like to spend time with their dad too so I don’t know how it will ever work out. My only option is to go somewhere in Boxing Day and invite them along. But that’s another 2 years at least down the line.