To say that DS can’t stay with them?

[MakingABoobOfIt]

We’re on our way to see in-laws, having not spent Christmas with them this year. We don’t get on particularly well, barely see them (their fault, not ours) and generally aren’t very close. Every time we go to stay (they live a couple of hours away so it’s always an overnight stay) they mention DS going to stay with them. DS is 4, doesn’t really have much of a relationship with them, and so isn’t particularly comfortable around them, even with us there, let alone if he was on his own! I usually sort of ‘hmm’ and brush it off somehow, but I can’t keep doing that! So, AIBU to tell them no? And what do I say so I don’t start a family civil war?!

Just explain that he’s too young to stay over with people he’s not very familiar with.

@CarolinaPink yep tried that, and unfortunately it hasn’t deterred them! They just say ooh he’ll be fine, he’ll be at school soon, etc.

Just keep repeating. Tell them, you’ll let them know when he’s ready

@ThanosSavedMe he will never be ready, because I would never leave him with them, I don’t trust them and their parenting styles are the polar opposite to ours. But I like your idea of us telling them when he’s ready, that’s really helpful.

Just say that Ds doesn't stay with anyone without you or Dh so it's unlikely to happen anytime soon. Why pussyfoot around the issue.

As an aside, we visit family 2 hours away and rarely stay. Why not just make it a day trip?

Just use the broken record technique.
"No, he is too young" or whatever phrase you want to pick. Say it over and over every single time they ask. If you change your reason then you're opening negotiation.

@Drum2018 a 4-hour round trip would be too much with a toddler and a dog!

Sorry yes should have clarified by saying he doesn’t ever have to be ready!

@ThanosSavedMe thank you, that’s really nice to hear. I was starting to think I was being pathetic about it!

What does your DH think? Would he like to have a closer relationship with his parents and for your DS to as well? That would factor into my thinking about the situation and whether it was worth working towards them having him stay over at a later date when he is old enough.

Have they ever had him even for a few hours on their own before?

Sod that, I do a two hour each way journey to my FIL with a 2, 3, 4 and 12 year old and a dog- DH drives one way I drive the other. Stop staying over!

My MIL tried this for a while. In end I said “No and please stop asking. If and when the time comes we will ask you”. It worked despite her being huffy. Like I’d leave my child with her and her pot smoking driving whilst drunk ways

Your child, your decision. A polite but firm no. You don't have to give reasons, or if you do stick to your guns.

Just don't stay over. We can't stay at mil due to where she lives and it's a 3 hr journey each way. We manage with no probs with 2 dc and have for the last 5 years. It's a long day but doable.

Just explain he's too young to go away on his own.

We also have family 2 hours drive away. We always visit and return in one day, it’s really doable - especially if you download a film for the DC. Don’t stay over!

I agree with other ppl don't stay over. My DF and the rest of my family live 2 hours away and we (DH, DD10 and I) generally do this in a day trip. We have a couple of times stayed over, but won't be doing so again.

I usually sort of ‘hmm’ and brush it off somehow, but I can’t keep doing that!

Why not? I wouldn't do anything else unless they stop accepting this response. At which point, I'd just say he's too clingy/busy etc.

I imagine it keeps coming up because you are being so vague. Just say no, you aren’t comfortable with the idea but will let them know if anything changes in the future.

We do a 5+ hour round trip to visit in-laws and have three young children. Potty in the boot and a packed lunchbox just in case, and we always do a day trip.

Would they actually come and collect him? If not tell them he can if they come to collect him or give them really obscure, inconvenient dates. And only overnight. Bet they won't bother and it'll be on them not you

I have a similar situation with a family member. My DD is 6 now and I am still saying "let's see" or "thanks for the offer, but she is not ready yet, let's review next year". Been doing that for 3 years.

"I usually sort of ‘hmm’ and brush it off somehow, but I can’t keep doing that! So, AIBU to tell them no? And what do I say so I don’t start a family civil war?!"
Then stop being vague and say no. As for starting "a family civil war" - would it really? You already don't get on with them, barely see them; what's the worst that would happen? They get snotty? Water off a duck's back. They badmouth you to other relatives? You roll your eyes and say you're the parents, what you say goes for your child. They go in a huff and stop talking to you? Result!

Just be honest. Tell them it isn't going to happen. Ever.

And staying at grandparents is NOT compulsory. I love my PIL and I absolutely trusted them to take care of DS well, but he only stayed over with them once his whole childhood, and that was because DH and I were both ill.

Be honest. Say no.

Be honest, say you aren’t comfortable with it until they work on having a better relationship with him.

Not pathetic at all @MakingABoobOfIt, far from it.