To ask for your general advice on what type of person to marry and what type to avoid

[frecklick]

Came across an oldish thread with the below advice and wondered whether there was any general advice. And also the types of characters to avoid, maybe the kinds of flaws you think you can overlook like peevish or grumpy but it doesn’t get better (or maybe it sometimes does?) - I suppose I’m wondering whether warning signs sometimes turn out okay or do people always end up regretting ignoring them. Should whatever positive characteristics you seek be there from the outset, without negative ones; if there are negative ones, what kind of negative characteristics might be acceptable right from the outset.

grannytomine
No 1 is marry a happy man, much more important than looks, money or IQ. They can have everything but if they are miserable they will make you miserable too.

I also found a comment on another site where the poster said

I always had this weird barometer to decide on whether a guy was "the One": I'd try to picture whomever I was dating at the time, holding my hand in the delivery room having our first kid. With all of my exes, I'd just picture myself stressed out, or annoyed with them, or just not be able to see it at all. With my husband, though, I thought about it after a couple of months of dating, and the mental image made me so happy and excited. He's my rock, can make me laugh in the worst situations, can talk me down from anxiety attacks. We're a team, 100%, and that's the kind of person I want for life, in the delivery room and otherwise.

And under that someone had linked to a behind the paywall article I can’t access called ‘marry the person who will help you to the bathroom’ - probably along the same general theme as the above comment.

Marry someone who’s kind to people he knows and to strangers.

How he speaks and treats his mother and sisters is a good indicator

Don't get married at all if you want to be happy www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/may/25/women-happier-without-children-or-a-spouse-happiness-expert

Marry someone who is kind. Kind to you, his family, strangers, animals, waiters in a restaurant.

Compatible attitudes to working hard, spending/saving, tidiness.

Don't marry someone who can be ridiculously grumpy. It's bloody annoying.

A family man, one who loves his mum, is happy, and kind.

It's taken me till number 3 to find him. He is truly wonderful. Always happy, goes out of his way to help anyone, loves his mum and sister, has a great relationship with his dad. We got engaged just before christmas and it's amazing!

I always judge a man based on how he discusses the women in his life and his exes. Especially the exes. If a man has more than one ex who is a "psycho" then I can 100% guarantee you that he is the problem.

If you love him despite his flaws then no. You will grow to resent those flaws and they'll be the things that really piss you off in future. If you love him knowing what his flaws are but not being bothered by them (or even liking them, some people are odd like that) then yes.

Run a mile from anyone who tries to make you think less of yourself or who raises their hands to you. The first time is never the last time and this person is not sorry, they do not love you, and you are not responsible for their actions.

Marry someone who you always have something to talk about with, who you can sit in comfortable silence with, who you enjoy being around, and who you feel completely relaxed around. If you have children, they're only children for 18 years and then even if they're still living at home they will be out doing their own thing, it was just the two of you before the children arrived and at some point it will be just the two of you again so marry someone you like spending time with.

Marry someone who brings out the best in you and complements you. DH is kind and patient, which are traits I lack and sorely wish I had! I drive up his energy and ambition a little. We’re not opposites, but we make each other into the best versions of ourselves and give each other a reason to work on the bits of ourselves that aren’t so great. We know ourselves and know, while life’s not always easy, we’re much better individuals when together than apart.

I’d also echo advice to marry someone who is kind, and also someone who believes in fairness, respect and equity.

Someone who has similar values and wants the same things. Some people I know got married quickly and recently realised things like their spouse didn’t want to have children, or that their spouse wouldn’t lift a finger with housework and parenting. These things have caused major problems.

I would definitely recommend lots of communication before marriage and making sure you are both on the same page. It definitely helped me and DH

Sorry - what I meant by the above is that generally I don’t believe there are particular traits you should look for, more that they need to be the right traits to suit your own personality.

I agree with how someone treats others and how he talks about his exes. My Dh has never slagged off an ex.

Kindness and quiet competence.

Someone who is kind before everything else and someone who just gets on with stuff without needing a ticker tape parade because they managed to fold washing.

Marry someone with earning potential who is generous....I read too many threads about unsupported mat leaves etc.....
Oh and stay away from a man subject to depression...I cant handle that at all. My dad was a manic depressive and its hell on earth.

Statistically, someone who has the same level if education and wealth as you.

Also given the amount of people on here who are fed up with their DH being lazy, someone who does their fair share of chores without being asked. When I first cooked for my husband he washed up and dried and put the (communal - shared house) bins out

Somebody who makes you laugh, is sensible with money (neither tight nor a spendthrift) and works hard both in employment and at home.

And who takes responsibility for things.

If you can find someone like that, to whom you are attracted and with whom you share a lot of attitudes and goals, you are into a winner.

Someone that shows kindness and warmth to all and that never has a bad word to say to you or about anyone. And someone who consistently pulls his own weight without having to be asked.

Never marry someone miserable, someone who nitpicks and is never happy with anyone, someone who speaks ill of others or - someone who is really tight with money (purely as this can be an indicator of a miserable character soon to follow). Obviously avoid gamblers, womanizers and alcoholics too.

Kindness is key here. DH is the kindest person I have ever known. He loves his Mum and Sister but is not a mummy's boy.

There is also a lot to be said about judging someone on the company they keep. All of dh's friends are decent blokes.

After 27 years of very happy marriage, the biggest thing for us is the same sense of humour.

If you can laugh at all the shite life throws at you TOGETHER you can get through anything.

My partner was very kind to strangers, waiters, children and old people - and still is - but is now abusive to me. That was not an indication unfortunately of his true self. The red flags I ignored were secretiveness. He knew everything about me but I had to uncover a lot about him. He also told me near to the beginning that he liked me because I was such a good person and that he wasn’t but wanted me to help him change. He didn’t explain what he meant when I pressed him and so I didn’t believe him and was flattered by his assessment of me but I should have listened. He also told small lies which I uncovered but thought it didn’t matter but now I can see this was an indication of him covering his true nature. Moodiness will get worse, and sulking - I would never choose a long term partner who sulks again. And finally, he can not support me when I am weak. If I am strong and looking after him, everything works okay (mostly) but if I am emotional, indecisive, scared, upset, ill or down, he just can not cope and I have therefore had to lead a life where I take every burden of responsibility. I think before you really commit, you need to see how they solve a problem or react in a crisis. That would be my advice.

Actually, I am thinking about more things now! If you are an extrovert, I would think hard about whether you want to marry an introvert or vice versa as that has caused us problems. Also agree with the company they keep thing. My partner had no real friends and moved from new friend to new friend which I only noticed after a while. I started to see a pattern that he chose friends based on how useful they were to him at the time and dropped them after a while. This should have been a red flag too.

One important test is to say No to him, or refuse to go along with a plan of his, fairly early in the relationship. How he reacts to being thwarted or denied something can be very revealing of character.
Does he rage and throw a tantrum? Does he sulk? Does he argue over it until he grinds you down into agreeing? Does he whine? Or does he graciously accept your refusal?
Because only that last one is husband material.

Marry someone who is:
Kind to everyone;
Patient;
Respectful to everyone;
Has a similar level of intelligence and education to yourself;
Positive;
Thoughtful;
Has a sense of humour;
Expects you to have the independence and freedom to go out with friends;
Has views which are not too dissimilar on things that are important to you whether that is family, religion or politics.

Don't marry anyone who:
Is 'charming'. That seems to be code for turning into a controlling bastard once they've married you;
Is good-looking but lacks the above attributes;
Is jealous or possessive;
Is drunk more often than sober;
Does drugs.

Mummadeeze,but your partner isn't kind. He is just a good actor. Kind people are kind to you too not just other ppl. Youve married a narcissist who pretends to be kind. Funny that he said he was a bad person as was just talking with a mate about how narcissists tell you what they are like that to see if you will say 'oh no not say that, you aren't a bad person'. Then they know they gave got you tricked. I hope you find the strength to get away from him!

*don't say that
*have got
Sorry I should proof read

I've been thinking about this a lot recently as my DCs are at an age to need this advice!

Very heartening to see kindness as a major factor as this is what I believe too (one of my favourite memories of dating DH was when we realised it was Halloween and he ran out to buy sweets for children trick or treating - we didn't have any DC at the time, so it seemed especially sweet)

Can I say though, the "loves his mother" advice isn't always useful as some mother/child relationships aren't like this and there may be good reasons there is no love there.

I also don't necessarily agree with the same level of wealth and education as you could have the same values, despite this. DH and I have wildly different backgrounds but hold the same values/beliefs and he is actually much more intelligent than me despite being less educated. (He also makes a good father as he wants to give his DC everything he didn't have)

Someone who is kind, who makes you laugh a lot and who thinks you are wonderful and is amazing in bed

DH have been married over a quarter of a century (bloody hell!) and we laugh so much every day still. I don't think we have ever had a single day where he didn't make me laugh (except in sad times like bereavement etc).