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To get fed up with being underestimated

6 replies

morethanmeetstheeye · 02/01/2020 23:58

Name change for this.

I'm so fucking sick of being underestimated and/or misjudged by my family members.
I haven't lived near most of them for years and they only see me a handful of times a year but yet they feel as if they know me.

Over the past year I've become separated and not initially through choice (although I was happy that it happened) and my siblings are all apparently highly concerned about my future/whether I'll be ok/my dating prospects. Not concerned enough to ever text/phone to check how I am but concerned enough to discuss it amongst themselves and then blurt it out whilst drunk at a family gathering.

They all have pearls of wisdom to spout at me and yet none of them have actually stopped to ask me how I am. They all assumed I would be highly upset this New Year as it was the first on my own.
I had a great NYE - toasted my singledom with a champagne and a really happy, positive feeling about my new life. It was a really nice evening and one that made me very content.

Dating - absolutely fine. Have a nice prospect on the horizon and doing perfectly fine on my own, thank you very much! I don't feel the need to discuss it with my siblings as it's actually none of their bloody business.

Life prospects - got a good job with opportunities to earn more if I wish; got a house and can just about afford it on my own and have a nice life as I've pretty much been a single parent for years as I've had very little help/input from my ex.

I know I'll be ok and I know it's a good step forward but none of them have stopped to ask me.

I had such a ridiculous amount of bollocks thrown at me over the past few days. What I find hilarious is that I'm older by quite a bit and have done a lot that my siblings know nothing about yet they honestly believe they know me. It's laughable.

Anyone else dealt with sanctimonious fuckwits? How do you deal?

OP posts:
NearlyGranny · 03/01/2020 00:04

Shrug and lead your own, best life. Nobody diminishes you like family, or rather nobody tries to. That's what having friends is all about - picking the family you wish you'd had and surrounding yourself with positive people.

Every now and again, I'd send the siblings a snippet of great news or a photo, ideally via a WhatsApp family group, of your achievements or activities, telling or showing them just enough to make them go "Wow! I had no idea..." and want to know more.

Happy New Year + may it bring you everything your heart desires.

Zogtastic · 03/01/2020 00:16

Look up “medium chill” - I give that advice a lot on here but it really works. Takes practice but once you’ve cracked it, it gives you freedom from the impact of their behaviour even though their behaviour stays the same. You don’t need them to know you - this is a historical boundaries issue that is your family’s pattern that as a child you were powerless to change but an adult you get to establish whatever boundaries work for you.
Happy New Year 2020! Your strength will help make it a good one for you xx

FeigningHorror · 03/01/2020 00:21

Look, this is the problem with family relationships — they’re locked into some fictional/long-outdated idea of you which is no longer accurate, if it ever was. It’s maddening, but fundamentally it’s their issue.

morethanmeetstheeye · 03/01/2020 00:39

I'm so glad I posted on here. I was bracing myself for some awful responses but these are lovely. Thank you.
I'll definitely look up the chill thing!

I agree that their ideas and thoughts are based on historical things and actually ideas that were created by our parents and have no real bearing on who I was or even who I am today. I've come to realise just how toxic our childhood was and how much my siblings view of me us coloured by that (very sexist father who belittled everything I ever did or said, which has hugely coloured their opinions)

I'm very happy in my own skin and probably the happiest I've been for years, even though I'm in the middle of tricky separation and start of divorce. I'm finding that the whole thing has given me a huge amount of clarity and the opportunity to be truly myself!

OP posts:
morethanmeetstheeye · 03/01/2020 00:46

@Zogtastic that medium chill approach is perfect! I'll be reading and re-Reading that. Thank you!

OP posts:
Zogtastic · 03/01/2020 07:09

It’s literally changed my life!

Your heart & mind sound in a great place to move you onwards and upwards. Good luck with it all xx

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