Me and DP have been together for 9 years, 3 children. Mostly we gel fine, but theres an area of contention that has always been there but it's really, really starting to grind on me now.
For context, he has aspergers so is very one track minded in his interests. For the most part I accept it, he got diagnosed in adulthood (recently in fact, only about 4 years ago). His area of work interest is very niche, very competitive and very hard to get into. He has exhibited work anxiety in the past. Before his diagnosis and before I educated myself I just put it down to laziness, but now i understand much better.
Because it's so niche he's gone back to school. He's going to finish his third year of university this year. It's been very tough for everyone, as it's been stressful and hard going but he's managed it. Abit frustrating that he refused to disclose his aspergers to his school for extra help but hes a stubborn mule, he didn't want extra help so that's fine. I commend him and he has done ever so well, top marks consistently.
During this time he has had a part time job which he has held for 2 and a half years. Easily the longest job hes ever kept at, and its reasonably related to what he wants to do. He works one day a week and its extra spending money, which is super helpful.
Now I know AIBU because of his diagnosis and I'm ranting really, but he complains every single time it slightly inconveniences his life. He does have to do some work from home, so although hes physically there once a week he does have to spend a few hours a week at home working on it too. I also know uni is hard, as I'm doing a degree too and I work in a very demanding job. It grinds me whenever he complains because he very much has a 'I'm only doing this for you' attitude, which makes me feel guilty. He throws paddy's when he has to miss stuff socially, and just generally sees it all as a huge waste of time. He has literally said to me 'why should I work, why can't I just do what I want to do' and never seems to realise that I dont really want to work where I do either, but I have to otherwise the bills wont get paid, and if everyone had that attitude no one would work. I totally support him chasing his dreams but hes never understood that I pick up the slack financially because we have children, and even before children I did.
I have never been able to have any space to explore other options for myself career wise because he would never get a job just to support us, it will always be on his terms. On the few occasions we have run into trouble financially he goes to his mum and stepdad for money, and he genuinely considers this a reasonable compromise and alternative to him getting a stable job. It probably doesn't translate well on here or I'm not explaining it well, but it's become so common that I've started zoning out so as to control myself from exploding at him. I'm so tired of feeling like the only adult!
Now I'm seriously hoping that his degree will land him a job where hes happy, but hes already stating he won't take an internship. Hes very experienced in his field, the degree is very much a formality for his CV. I'm so worried about what happens when he graduates, as I can't bare the thought of having to supplement him for much longer. But I fear I'm going to have to, as he has such a superior attitude towards work and genuinely feels above it all.
Again I am aware of how aspergers makes you think 'differently', and i really try to be as patient as possible. But i do not feel like we're equals and it's getting harder to bare. What do I do? Am I being unreasonable? I fear I am but I don't know what to do :(