Does my partner have a misogynistic streak re comments about my weight and eating

[littleblackcat99]

I have been through a bit of a stressful time recently, as has my partner. We moved down south temporarily from Scotland to London to stay with his mother and work there for a couple of months. Now we have come back home and after things were stressful and didn't work out he has secured a job he's currently doing and I have been interviewed and offered/accepted a new job but haven't started yet as waiting for paperwork to be processed (just waiting for disclosure to be done). But basically, as I went from doing a very active job where I was doing 20,000-30,000 steps a day simply being at work I have now put on a little bit of weight. A month ago I was really just a few pounds away from being underweight but now I've put on just over a stone. I am 5 ft 7 and was about 8 at 13 and now I'm just over 10st due to my change in activity and admittedly a bit of excess food and drink as I think most people have done over this time of year. I still fit into my size 8 clothes but probably am wearing my size 10 clothes a bit more realistically and comfortably. I can feel that I've put on weight and feel a bit bad about myself but personally not too bothered because I know I can lose it easily as I start new job and be a bit more restrictive with my calories. But what is upsetting me is that my partner keeps making jibes at me for eating or perhaps what he perceives as me eating too much. Ironically a couple of months ago he told me "you need to eat more" and I admit I was probably a bit too thin. The other day he woke up and saw me eating breakfast which is apparently an outrageous concept and he told me "you need to start a diet tomorrow ". Today he came into kitchen when I was eating leftovers out the fridge as my lunch and he was quite openly looking down on me and mocking me for eating. It makes me feel like fucking shit and inwardly angry that he thinks he can comment on what I eat especially in such a negative way. And yes I've put on weight and feel bad about myself but my BMI is 22 exactly and I'm size 8-10. I am now thinking he has an unpleasant misogynistic streak in him and starting to feel quite angry. AIBU?

What a horrible man. I’m your height and recently put on weight while stressed I’ve just lost half a stone and am 9 st 13 still got half a stone to lose. You would have been very thin at 8st 13 and I bet you look great now. Considering for lots of people your current weight would be a target weight in a diet! You are not overweight at all
He sounds like a bit of a knob tbh.

Size 8 at 5'7'' must be pretty effg slim - because I'm a sz 10/12 at 5'6"" (well just under 5'6"") and constantly get comments from family members (and occasionally non family members) about how skinny I am and how I could do with putting on weight. I'm about 9st, I went up to 9 and s half or more once and got more looks from men than I ever remember having (because bigger boobs etc). I knew w another girl around my height who'd say she naturally sits at 10st and I have to say she doesn't look remotely heavy.

What I'm saying is that your dp is weird. He must like really skinny women, or he's nasty/a bit abusive and this is his chosen stick to beat with.

Someone commenting on you eating etc (especially when you're not overweight!) is out of order.

He may be nice to look at but sounds like he's not so pretty in the inside unfortunately.

I think he’s disgusting.

Unacceptable behaviour by someone who is supposed to care about you. Just, never ok to be like this.

Here, have my first LTB. You know this is not normal behaviour. It will only get worse.

Ps my ex did this when I measured 37-28-38 so I dumped him. Told me I wasn’t exactly a supermodel and all of his exes had been thinner, too. Started with snide comments like your partner and escalated. Find someone who isn’t nasty enough to try to deliberately ridicule your weight and make you feel like a fat shit.

He sounds like a bully. How much you eat is absolutely none of his business .

If he can't love you when you put on a few pounds, he won't love you when you get wrinkles and your bum starts sagging. Your relationship has no future. You can choose to muddle along till you find yourself divorced later, or find a new man who does love you.

I would kill for a BMI of 22. You are NOT OVERWEIGHT and do not need to lose any weight. Perhaps you should tell him that you are planning on losing weight HIM that is.

Ok, hands up I haven't RTFT, however, please indulge me while I tell you this... many years ago I was in a serious and very long term relationship with my then DP. I was actually at no stage of our relationship, over weight but my weight and shape fluctuated over the years, especially since we got together when I was a mid teen and stayed together until I was nearing 30. Over the years, due to his comments and gradual withdrawal of physical affection and then all intimacy, my body image of myself and self esteem eroded to the point where I felt permanently inadequate. This affected me in such a profoundly negative way that even to this day, many years later, I have body image issues. His comments were more nuanced than your BF's overt distain for you going from being very slim to slim (!!) and less obviously controlling than also attempting to control what you should eat when he feels you are under his view of your ideal weight (both HUGE red flags), but making comments such as "I'm not trying to be unkind, but I can't help it if I don't find you attractive when you are heavier", chipped away at my opinion of my body and my worth. That shit takes YEARS to repair and I'm not sure it ever, ever, fully does.

By contrast and as a reference to compare, my now DH of over 10 yrs, fancies me, desires me and downright adores my body in whatever form it takes. We have been through 2 pregnancies and subsequent births, breast feeding and all the joyous changes these seismic events have on a woman's body(!). When we met I was extremely physically fit and slender, strong and lean. I gained 4 stone during each pregnancy (and gradually lost it each time afterwards) and at one stage after the birth of our second child, I dieted to the point of being fairly underweight. This was the only time he ever commented, with some (reasonable) concern regarding my weight / appearance and even then was supportive in that he knew that I actually was so proud and pleased with myself in my (slightly overly 'succesful') weight loss postpartum. I am currently a good 1-2 st over weight following a year of poor health and DH couldn't give a toss save for my health and how I feel about my body ie cheesed off that nothing fits!

Anyway, what I am trying to illustrate to you is this;

1. Your BF is attempting to be controlling of your eating by using shame inducing comments. This is all kinds of things but the most relevant one is that it is BIG RED FLAG. It is unlikely never going to change.

1. When you are with someone who feels about you the way you would want them to, they won't give a good god-damn about you losing or gaining a few pounds or quite likely several stone!

Please listen and leave this relationship. As some wise person once said; when someone is showing you who they are, believe them.

All the best lovely. MOLM

Have you had a conversation with him about this? Does he really believe you’re overweight? How can he think this when you’re an 8-10?! Is he looking at stick thin supermodels who just don’t ever eat? He’s very unrealistic, not to mention a wanker. Time for a conversation and a decision about whether you have a long term future-including female children whose body image he’ll possibly destroy?

Every time he makes a comment about his weight you should comment that his BO is sending you running for the hills or that he has appalling halitosis. When he says that he can't smell it point out that no one can or else they wouldn't have it. If you think he's about to comment on your weight start sniffing and making choking noises to preempt him

I betcha my diet plan will be fast and permanent-180# gone in one day-getting rid of him permanently!

Id tell him if he doesn’t like you anymore then he can leave, but I’d he makes one more comment on your weight, appearance or eating patterns you’ll be the one leaving. Fuck him.

This is awful OP and you shouldn’t be subjected to this. He is starting to emotionally abuse you by making you feel bad about yourself.
Everyone’s weight fluctuates for many reasons.
Like others have said... red flags here.

Thanks for all the replies. And please let me stress that I don't think for a second that the size I am at is too large by any means, actually a few years before I met my partner I was obese according to bmi scale (I think bmi of about 35 and I was almost 16 stone due to weight gain induced by medication I was taking). I am just really hurt to have jibes regularly at the moment inferring that I am being greedy or have put on weight which yes I have a bit, but surely it's not such an important thing for him to make these kinds of comments on when we have been under such a lot of stress and there are more important things to focus on

I don't know if misogyny necessarily comes into it. I think that maybe he's just a horrible person in general.

Wish I could hug you. How dare he treat you like that? I wouldn't immediately file for divorce just off the back of this, but it would make me reassess the whole relationship and start picturing a future without him, and pondering if I liked what I saw.

New year, new start?

I'd say.. I can shed ( insert his weight here) in seconds if u want.. Doors there, shut it behind u.

Probably misogyny based but definitely aimed at your self-esteem, not your BMI. He may fear he's losing control of you and feel threatened by the prospect of your new job because you will meet a new raft of people, be valued by them, get validation, recognition and rewards from the experience. He clearly wants to keep your life smaller and narrower than that, and running on the tracks that he lays down for you!

Food policing is a classic control move and, as others have said, a big red flag. When you challenge him, don't make it about how upset he makes you; he knows that and it's exactly why he does it; make it about setting a clear boundary. Tell him you didn't invite him to police your weight or food intake, it's not acceptable and he needs to respect your bodily autonomy.

Only blow-up plastic women don't eat, and if he doesn't change his ways, that will be all the company he can find.

When your new job starts, do pleasemake sure you are being paid into a bank account that doesn't have his name on it. Food policers are often financial abusers, too. If he needs to control what goes in your mouth he's likely to feel the same about what goes in your pocket.

Oh, and blackcat? Comments about weight/food intake are best met by a perplexed stare and my favourite question ever:

"Why would you say/ask that?"

Push it straight back to being about him and his freaky fascination with your diet.

Say all your looks and physique went due to a terrible accident or illness, do you think he would care for you as a loving partner? If not then he is not your forever person, you need someone who loves you inside out and will be there as you both get old and the looks etc grow old too.

Oh, and I'm 5'7" too, or I was, and 10 to 10.5 st is my ideal weight. I once went down to 9st 3lb and frightened myself! I could ring my upper arm with the opposite thumb and forefinger, and my collarbones stuck out like old coathangers, ribs like a xylophone.

Don't have children, especially daughters, with this man unless he changes his ways. He will screw up their relationship with food royally.

He's being rude and horrible to you and that's not ok. Sounds like especially right now with all the changes going on you don't need someone in your life - someone who should be enhancing your life - bringing you down like this. Please pull him up on it, have a conversation and see how he behaves after. Then you'll know whether it was a regrettable blip or whether there's another change you can make by getting rid. Good luck!