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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this person is no longer a friend

25 replies

ginlover19 · 02/01/2020 09:54

I have known this woman since we were children and have lots of childhood memories. We stayed in good touch during university and I was invited to her hen do and wedding.

We lost touch a bit after as I started a stressful job and didnt have as much time to message and she has moved around quite a bit. Whenever she used to come back to visit she would tell me and we would meet up. It would be just like old times.

However now it has become very one-sided. I message her and she either takes ages to reply or more recently not reply at all. She now doesnt tell me when she has come back for a visit to her family. I messaged her once and said I would have loved to have met up as I knew she was down and she said she would let me know next time but she hasn't.

The last time she responded to my message was when I told her I was made redundant and she was very unsympathetic even though she knows what this is like as it happened to her husband.

I think I need to just let go but i feel sad about it. Doesnt help that I recently bumped into a person we both know and they assumed I was still good friends with the other woman.

Not really sure what I want you all to say. I know the friendship has drifted but thought it would be a friend for life or am I being unreasonable and expecting too much from this person? Are my expectations too high?

OP posts:

longwayoff · 02/01/2020 10:00

Weird isn't it? When you've known someone so long and to be dumped without apparent reason is bewildering but who knows what's going on in her life? Time to accept it's not what you thought it was. Move on OP.

Original poster

ginlover19 · 02/01/2020 10:05

I dont feel like I have demanded her attention or that I offload on her. I always make contact to ask how she is doing etc. She is a sahm so I always ask about her DC. Cant help but overthink what has gone wrong.

OP posts:

TruffleShuffles · 02/01/2020 10:06

Did you ever initiate plans to meet up with her? You say the times you met up were when she had come back to visit near you and she let you know, do you think she maybe felt the friendship was one sided from her side?

Original poster

ginlover19 · 02/01/2020 10:10

TruffleShuffles
Possibly but at one point she lived in Scotland and we are from the south west so she knew it would be unlikely anyone would visit her there. Now she lives closer but things have changed so I dont feel like I could initiate me visiting her

OP posts:

Ponoka7 · 02/01/2020 10:13

She isn't your friend anymore and stopped being when she was unsympathetic towards you.

Or she's having a crisis of her own.

Is she in touch with other people, so you could find out which it is?

Original poster

ginlover19 · 02/01/2020 10:20

She has lost contact with a few people I know but is still in contact with others. Those she still meets up with I have also drifted apart from. I think i need to accept that some friendships are lost during your lifetime.

OP posts:

BlouseAndSkirt · 02/01/2020 10:54

Life moved on and changes and when you have newer friendships and new commitments it can be hard to keep everything up.

OK, she moved to Scotland but if you never visited wherever she went, and you were out of touch because of your job....

The friendship had already drifted but was maybe held together because of the convenience of you just being there when she returned to family.

Don’t overthink it, things change without being anyone’s fault, it is the nature of growing and change. Life.

FeigningHorror · 02/01/2020 11:03

I agree with @Blouse. Also, if you are back for a family visit occasionally, it can get exhausting trying to schedule in seeing everyone who wants to see you/who would be offended if you didn’t make contact. I live in a different country to the one I grew up in, and there have been times when I’ve flown in to see my parents for a couple of days where I simply haven’t told friends I’m in town, not because I would not like to see them, but because I could easily have a wall to wall schedule on top of seeing family, and then need to head back to work on Monday morning, exhausted.

You both dropped out of touch. It’s ok. Friendships don’t have to last a lifetime to be of value.

Original poster

ginlover19 · 02/01/2020 12:01

Thanks for your thoughts all

OP posts:

Thethiniceofanewday · 02/01/2020 12:10

Not everything good is for ever. People do drift apart - I was thinking about my college friends who were all my bridesmaids but I no longer see just yesterday - but it doesn’t mean you weren’t great friends or that you didn’t mean a lot to each other. She might feel that if she is a SAHM and you’re working that you don’t have much in common any more. You could drop her a line under the guise of a new Year resolution saying that you’ve resolved to get back in touch with old friends and if she had time to meet up you’d love to see her. Then she knows that you still value the friendship and the ball is in her court.

GoodbyeRosie · 02/01/2020 12:11

Difficult isn't it? I think this friend is not wanting to see you anymore, but without telling you, as we often do.

Maybe if you reflect on the situation, you might recall a time when you have done the same to someone else..vaguely replying to messages, making excuses not to meet up etc.

As someone else has said, it doesn't mean the friendship wasn't a good one whilst it lasted. Unfortunately as people we expect friendships to last forever sometimes,but people change and circumstances change..that's how we meet new friends.

I've lot a few friends go recently, one has been particularly sad as she is an amazing , inspirational person but it was clear she didn't want to be my friend as much as I wanted to be hers. Obviously in those situations you need to keep some self respect and move on.

BatleyTownswomensGuild · 02/01/2020 12:20

yeah, she's not a friend anymore. I've had this happen to me recently and it's crappy. Hugs, OP.

Original poster

ginlover19 · 02/01/2020 12:41

I messaged her yesterday wishing her a happy new year and saying I hope her little one had a lovely christmas. No reply...

OP posts:

Original poster

ginlover19 · 02/01/2020 12:49

There's only so many times you can message someone with no response. Think I'll take the hint now

OP posts:

TulipCat · 02/01/2020 12:53

Don't be afraid of the ebb and flow of some friendships. I have spent periods of not being in touch much with certain friends (no particular reason, just life getting in the way) only to find ourselves much closer years later.

FeigningHorror · 02/01/2020 12:53

That seems rather soon to decide it’s over. Maybe she just has a different response time to you? I’ve had lots of Happy New Year texts and messages from NYE that I haven’t responded to yet.

Original poster

ginlover19 · 02/01/2020 12:56

I also messaged her two weeks ago and had no reply. She has also been to visit her family and met up with other people from her past. Doesn't help when a photo or two goes up on facebook.

OP posts:

PrettyPurpleFeather · 02/01/2020 13:00

Block he number and delete her on Facebook as she's no longer interested in you. Just accept the loss and move on with your life, hoping for contact will upset you more.

Ragwort · 02/01/2020 13:00

I agree, try not to over think it, I have lost touch with someone I thought was an incredibly great friend, we supported each other through a lot of difficult times, but I just don’t hear from her anymore, have no mutual friends so no one to ask and I don’t want to force the friendship. I just look back with happy memories.

On the other hand, I sometimes get overwhelmed with people wanting to be too friendly with me and never seem to get the hint that I don’t want to be ‘best friends’ .

Original poster

ginlover19 · 02/01/2020 13:51

Good idea, I have unfollowed her account on Facebook.

OP posts:

Original poster

ginlover19 · 02/01/2020 14:02

I think I'm just taking it more to heart because I've been feeling quite low recently. I have other lovely friends who are supportive and being in touch. I just thought she was a forever friend.

OP posts:

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 02/01/2020 14:03

I'm sorry to hear this.
It's not you, it's her.

CripsSandwiches · 02/01/2020 14:06

Yep time to move on op. Friendships ending can be really hard, unlike relationships they tend to just fade out before you've even noticed. I agree with unfollowing.

Original poster

ginlover19 · 02/01/2020 15:52

I think I need to concentrate on the friends that do make the effort and are obvious about wanting to spend time with me

OP posts:

lisag1969 · 02/01/2020 22:48

I would message her and ask her. If she feels you have offended her or anything in anyway as you feel she has no time for your friendship or something. X

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