To think I just need to forget

[Imustbemad00]

I was in a bad relationship. Split 6 years ago, but the backwards and forwards, communication and harassment only completely stopped about a year or so ago. Although it did gradually phase out so wasn’t so intense before that.
Now it wasn’t the worst in terms of DV, I argued as good as I got quite often. I never felt like a victim at the time. I was quite nasty to. But he was worse. Overall it was just toxic and I was a fool for not getting out sooner. I almost asked for it, thrived off it or something.
Anyway, just lately I think about it a lot. I feel sorry for myself, get upset over similar things on tv. I’ve begun to think it’s had quite an effect on me, my confidence my personality, my relationships with others (not sexual relationships, just in general) and the way I view other men.
Is this something I need to deal with, and how? Or am I being a drama queen and I just need to not think about it anymore.

I wondered about going to gp for counselling but don’t want it on file for many reasons.

I'd get counselling. You can research online for free counselling services in your area and self refer. My friend has done this and she was in a similar situation to you.
I hope everything goes well for you.

I think if it is on your mind so much, counselling would be a help to you. It can be a daunting thing to start but the benefits can be huge. Nobody else needs to know about it.

It sounds exhausting. Now you’re out of it, it will probably all slightly sink in. You’re no longer surviving
So yes, help ASAP if you can afford it.

Is it usual to start to affect you after six years? I'm four years out and am starting to feel exactly the same as you.
Is that normal?

I think that’s what it is. It’s only now it’s completely passed and over that I can evaluate it properly and am seeing it from a different perspective. I can’t afford it privately, and don’t want to go to gp. I also have no idea how I’d even go. Not sure if I’d get time off work.

It's trauma. You couldn't process it at the time and now you're feeling safer your brain has started trying to work through it and file it away properly (traumatic experiences don't get filed into your memory bank like regular experiences - and without this processing your brain thinks they're still occurring in the present rather than being in the past).

With time it might resolve naturally, but some form of trauma therapy might help if things get stuck.

It's really normal for this to only start happening years after a trauma.

This processing does need to happen. And it won't resolve by you trying to push it away. I would wager your view that perhaps you're being a drama queen is actually a legacy of your trauma, because it's certainly not rooted in reality.

What everyone else has said about trauma. You do need to process this. If you're not ready for counselling though, how about doing the Freedom Programme online with Women's Aid? It'll help you identify how you got into an abusive relationship - and you might actually find it reassuring, and be able too lose some of the guilt you're expressing about getting into an abusive relationship.

Maybe then you'll feel ready for counselling, or another kind of therapy? Or not - but you might feel clearer about what you do want.

Best of luck

A previous bad relationship has left me with mild PTSD. I would say get some help if you can. I have certain triggers that take me right back and it sounds like you are experiencing the same. When you actually process what you lived through I’ve found it can be quite overwhelming.

Your experience sounds so similar to mine I actually thought you might have been the other person in the relationship for a minute.

I think time is a great healer. You say contact only ended a year ago after going on a lot longer than that so don’t expect too much from yourself but also if you can access it then counselling would most probably help.

I’m definitely forever changed after mine but things are getting easier.

there are some charities where you can get free counselling and not have to give your GP details or they would only notify your GP you were having counselling if there was a concern

Thank you for the responses. It’s actually made me tear up a little bit. I have nobody I can talk to about this and I do feel like saying a lot of it out loud could help.

There's a lot of people in the same situation, with similar experiences. You can find a way to process this and heal from it