Had a difficult year with baby, PND, parent illnesses, house move and career changes. DD was much wanted but I find myself reminiscing with incredibly intensity about my carefree days in university. I'd sit on the top of a double decker bus (London) listening to music and loving long journeys across town watching people and places out of the window. Then I'd come home to my little studio flat with perfect peace to spend the evening by myself, cooking, baking, taking a bath, reading or chatting with friends online.
The irony is that I also remember feeling lost and lonely quite often in uni because I knew that wasn't my permanent life. I used to look into lighted windows of big homes and yearn for the cosiness of a home you share with a partner or children. I was also nervous about starting working life and anxious about jobs, income, property ladder etc.
These days I have everything I dreamed about back then, and my life seems perfect from the outside (fulfilling job, good income, caring husband, happy baby, wide circle of friends, two properties, car, stocks & bonds, good health). However I sometimes feel trapped knowing that I can never leave my responsibilities. There are constant tasks, bills, repairs, accounts, appointments, not to mention the endless daily cycle of cooking, feeding, cleaning, etc. I wish I could still experience that feeling of doing literally nothing for 3 days and nobody caring or needing anything from me. Just deciding what I want to eat, sorting out some food, then spending all hours relaxing or sleeping as long as I like.