To give up on my sister

[Mummiepig]

My sister decided around 2.5 years ago to cut me out of her life, mainly because she wanted me to do what she wanted when she wanted, I tried to tow the line but sometimes I had to say no to her, she didn’t like this and threw every tiny little thing I had ever done wrong at me saying Enjoy your life you fucking selfish bitch I’m cutting you out
I begged her to have me back I wanted to be in her life and to see my neice, she said ok but the relationship seemed strained and I just kept saying the wrong thing
I continue to do Christmas birthday gifts and cards etc but this is the second Christmas in a row I’ve not received a card and never get any thanks for the gifts
I don’t want to give up I want to be friends again but I feel things are getting worse
I read a quote about having self respect and letting it go, I feel a bit of a fool chasing her like this
Should I give up, what about my neice?

Give up on her Op. She’s still controlling you and it sounds like she adds nothing good to your life.

Should I continue to give gifts to my neice, my dad passes them on when he sees her, I haven’t seen her in nearly 2 years but I want her to know I’m still thinking of her

I'd still give the gifts to your dad to pass onto niece. You don't know if she's receiving them or knowing they are from you, but you know you tried.
Regarding your sister, stop chasing her and back off a bit. It might make her think she could actually lose you, and make her think twice. The whole time you're chasing, she's getting all the attention she wants

I don’t contact her, I just send birthday Christmas cards and token gifts I’m sort of waiting to see if she will contact me but she never does I think she would be happy if I gave up

My sister cut contact with me in April 2018 and the best thing I did was stop trying and hoping, and just stop thinking about her at all.

I know what you mean, I waste so much of my life worrying about this, Christmas and birthdays are the worst

It is a complete waste of time, emotion and effort. You don’t know for sure if your dn gets the gifts. Or what your ds tells her when/if the gifts are handed over. You could be painted as a witch for all you know.
From bitter experience she will dangle carrots at you whenever she wants and then move on again. Even if in your mind you had a lovely time together she won’t even bother with you until it suits her, like a river, water flows one way. Yes I am bitter. Either accept she is not going to give the relationship to you that you would choose or move on.

Yes same Christmas and birthdays are painful, were painful, after 8 it’s ok. Not good, but 8. Feeling sad and heart broken doesn’t mean you have made the wrong decision.

I dont know the answer to this one however I'm in similar situation with my siblings and I've continued to send dns gifts because to me it's worth the small hope that they receive and use them and therefore remember me.
I'm trying to separate my emotions from this at the moment to protect myself (its a work in progress).
I think long-term it's probably healthier for you to step back and get on with your life. Hopefully one day dsis will come to you. (I'm hoping this will happen).
Its not easy I know but put yourself first and do what's best for you.

I would stop. The presents and the hope of a good relationship.
When my DM died I was desperate for a close relationship with my sister. She is one of life’s takers and never brought anything positive to my life.
Giving up on the relationship was the best thing I ever did.
I don’t spend time with her DD, which I feel sad about, but my own mental health is so much better now.

Och, I feel for you OP. Your sister sounds like a terror. You have done all you can to have a relationship with you, but she'll never respect you if you pursue a relationship. So I would let it go. I would definitely continue to give presents to your niece. Chances are she will need you one day - when she's older and realises what a nightmare her mum is - and she will appreciate you thinking of her.

I think you should give up on your sister it sounds like your relationship is all one sided. I would however, continue to give a present to your niece through your dad she hasn't done anything wrong. You don't say how old she is, but one day she may want a relationship with you and to know you always thought of her could mean a lot to her.

She’s 9

... I'm on the side... Keep it up.. Keep sending cards/gifts.... It shows you're bothered and interested. Even if no acknowledgement.

Someone I know in simailr situation the nephew got back in contact a decade later.. He realised that the mother had banned kids from contact and had been the source of the falling out..

When they go low, you go high!!

Take pics of all cards /gifts you send... So if your niece comes looking you can show her what /how much you care.

That way you're in the right side of history.. You can show you didn't stoop to your sisters games.

I could have written your post. Ten years ago, when I had a baby, my sister cut me out of her life. For Xmas she sent me and DH a teatowel, but nothing for her baby nephew or no mention of him in the card. Thereafter she ignored all presents/letters/b'day cards/christening invitations etc. It hurt. She never wanted children herself but I think that she was jealous of the fact that I'd inadvertently be given more attention by my mother via her grandchildren as a result. The hardest point was when my husband nearly died. He ended up with severe sepsis in a coma on a life support machine for weeks. Still no contact or message from her (despite her having known my husband for 18 years). I stopped trying a few years ago. I have since had another child. She has a beautiful nephew and niece that she has never seen or achnowledged their existence. By stopping communication, I stopped allowing myself to be hurt by her behaviour. I'm not the only one who she has treated like this. It's rather sad but she almost certainly has a paranoid personality disorder. She lives alone in isolation. She spent Christmas day alone. It's sad, but equally, not something that I am able to control. I've done my part. It gets easier over time. Esp as your children get older as you then have to prioritize protecting their feelings too. I wouldn't want to risk her being unkind to either of them or rejecting them to their faces.

Btw, I would still continue sending presents to your niece though.

Hold your head up and walk away.. my dh used to bend over backwards to keep a relationship with his highly toxic family members and it had a huge negative impact on his mental health. Since he decided enough was enough his ,mental health and general being has improved hugely, although there are times hes sad and bitter that family could treat others like that, he knows it's okay to feel like that at times but it's not as bad as he was when he was trying to maintain contact.

If you want to give presents to your niece then continue to do so through your dad but dont expect anything in return. When your niece is older she may choose to seek a relationship with you or not, but remember it's out of your hands and none of it is your fault. Wish you all the best.

Do you have any idea if the child even gets the gifts? Your sister could be giving them to charity, regifting to your nieces friends for birthdays. I wouldn't bother. She doesn't want you in her life so respect that and stop sending stuff.

I am in a similar situation with my brother. Until my mum died early last year, he kind of had to stay in contact to co-ordinate visits, the sale of her house, etc. And then we had to work together to organise the funeral. I always assumed - or at least, hoped - that we would have a relationship after that, but I haven't heard from him since, apart from one brief message on Facebook on my birthday.
I have tried, but every attempt to make contact has gone unanswered, and it breaks my heart every time I reach out only to be ignored. For my own health and sanity, I've made a conscious decision to give up trying and concentrate on my own family.
I suggest you do the same, OP. There is no point hurting yourself chasing such a one-sided "relationship". In your position I would continue sending the cards and gifts to your niece, but let your sister go. I know it's hard, but you will feel better for it.

Another one in a similar position. I haven't seen my brother for 3 years and it's been 4 years since I've seen my nephew and niece. I send presents for them at birthday's and at Christmas but receive no thanks. My brother and I were always close until he married my SIL but she's very gradually cut us off over the last 5 years. We're not good enough for her 😐

For different reasons my sister and I are not in contact, we're not NC, our lives have just gone different directions and she's always been avoidant. I'm very close to her now adult child after a decade of v little contact. What I've noticed is this closeness with HER child feels to me to highlight even more the loss of relationship with my sister. I can't know this for sure but I feel she's dug her heels in even further. It's sad, but it's how she's engineered it.