AIBU to go out?

[Jeffersonmellop]

Been with DH for 7 years, 1 ds age 2 together and dd 14 from previous relationship. DH refuses to let me visit his mums house with him. His mum has mental health issues and is a hoarder which he says started 10 years ago when his df sadly passed away. So he doesn’t want me to see the mess she is living in. I have offered to help/ get help but have always been refused by him and his mum. What bothers me is that my DH has 2 brothers and their wives and children are allowed to visit and regularly stay there overnight. My DH also takes our ds round to visit, it’s just me who doesn’t go. I’m sick of feeling not accepted and I’m embarrassed that after all this time I’ve still not been taken/ invited round. My DH’s nephew is visiting this weekend with his new girlfriend and they are staying with DMIL. They want to come round to visit us while they are here. AIBU to say that I’m going out while they visit? I’m angry and hurt by this whole thing but I’m struggling to see if I really am BU!

The fact that the "nephew" and his new girlfriend are going there to stay, implies that it is "just you" who is not welcome at mil's house. I would be questioning why this is, and I certainly wouldn't be allowing my children to go, if she is "a hoarder" how do you even know that your child is safe there? I would honestly be asking your dh some difficult questions, now that it is so clear that you and only you are not welcome!

Alternatively, I would wait until dh was visiting her and then just turn up, and ask them all to explain themselves, but I am a strong person with a no bs attitude to life!

I'd do the same as @ProfessionalBoss. Let them go around then show up. Something isn't adding up. What do your kids say about the state of the place?

My mum has MH problems and is a hoarder. I was with DH a long time before he went near her house. He was in no hurry to go back.

Perhaps tell him you appreciate his protection but you need to experience it for yourself once.

Promise that you won't interfere. You won't decide you know how to rescue her where everyone else failed. "Fixing" is a common response in partners from normal families, it reopens all kinds of wounds and takes time reheal.

I'd be demanding an explanation.

And my child wouldn't be going again until I deemed it safe.

Well that’s weird that everyone including your child is allowed round.
Have you never just turned up there?

Something fishy is going on...

I would really want an explanation from DH about what's going on. His Dnephew can bring a brand new partner in but you're not welcome? I wouldn't hesitate to go out during the visit either as I'd be really hurt to be so excluded.

Definitely something more going on. I would also just turn up

yeah just turn up. something doesn't smell right about the whole situation

Maybe this is why

I have offered to help/ get help but have always been refused by him and his mum

Aren't hoarders super sensitive about their issue? Maybe DP/MIL are worried you'll turn up and try to fix things which would cause stress.

I’ve offered help and it’s been refused- I respect that is their wishes so I absolutely would not interfere. It’s the not being included that I take an issue with, when everyone else is welcome.

I believe my DH’s explanation, I don’t think anything fishy is going on. I just very uncomfortable and embarrassed meeting DNs new girlfriend when I have never been welcomed into the family the way she is, despite only being known to us for a few weeks!

Why does your dh refuse to let you? So weird!

It baffles me that you have put up with this situation for 7years. Have you ever met the mil?

Yes I see her regularly when she visits us.

So you want to be included, but you’re considering deliberately going out to avoid your husband’s family when they want to visit? That’s insane.

Well that’s weird that everyone including your child is allowed round. Have you never just turned up there?

Why would you do that?! I seriously wonder if people on MN are unhinged.

We’ve had 7 years of this argument and my DH refuses to compromise. I’ve had enough of arguing about it, he’s not going to let me visit her home. I’m hurt by this so I don’t see any way forward. Those who are voting IABU, what would you do instead?

Why do you need to do anything? He’s said he doesn’t want you to go - so don’t go. The End.

I often encounter hoarding as part of my job and it comes in various forms. The fact that family are staying at the property suggests that this is not the most extreme hoarding situation and probably the issue here stems from embarrassment on DH's part.
Have you spoken to MIL about visiting? I would not recommend just turning up there until you have. This is her home and her mental health. I appreciate your frustration but her home is not the place to resolve this.
Equally - knowing what extreme hoarding can involve - I would not be sending my DC to the property until I had been to check it out.
What do the other siblings and their partners say to you about this? Do they think that it's odd that you don't visit?
Good luck.