To consider some form of therapy intervention for my 8yr old?

[FuckingHateRats]

Long time member but not posted in years.

My daughter is sneaking food, basically all the sweets, crisps, goodies. It's been going on for months and months. She lies and lies and lies about it.

She must raid the cupboards because she finds things high up that we've purposely hidden. Last night we put a bag of giant chocolate buttons in a mixing bowl on the highest self of a cupboard and she's finished it all and put the empty bag back. She regularly eats all the biscuits needed for lunchboxes. She binge eats any treats she has been given.

We've tried: unlimited fruits and veg and snacks; buying each kid a multipack of biscuits they can ration themselves; asking her to tell us when she's done it; talking it through, punishments.

We are now seriously considering either a locked box for anything unhealthy, or an actual lock on a cupboard or door, or maybe even making an appointment to see someone more qualified to help? We really want to make sure we're helping her overcome this.

We're at our wits end. She's much bigger than our other two children, definitely becoming overweight and is generally much less physically able because she's unhealthier. We need to fix it, but have no idea how to move forward.

Is seeking help too reactive/extreme?

YANBU. If punishments and threats don’t work then something must be driving her to steal all this food. I guess it’s possible she’s headed for puberty and hungry all the time.

I think a locked box or cupboard is the way forward while you investigate the cause.

Could she have diabetes or hyperthyroidism?

I should add, sorry, she has form for deception and eating other things that really concern me.

I recently discovered that she had eaten every single one of the balm parts of my (fairly extensive) Maybelline lipsticks. She eats lip balm all the time - to the point I ask people not to buy them for her anymore.

I think maybe external help is a good idea before this becomes a bigger issue.

Personally I also don’t think it’s a bad thing to be telling your child that she’s overeating and does she want to get fat? She needs to start making better eating choices.

DH and I are both fat but our children aren’t at all - we don’t regulate as such, they’re good at doing it on their own.

And yes I agree, lock anything unhealthy away for now. But I would also tell her that you can’t trust her to not eat stuff.

That is unusual. Does she also chew, bite or suck non food things? Like her fingers clothing or furniture? My ds1 does that and it's a sensory seeking thing. We have invested in chewelry to stop him chewing his bed frame or fingers.

If she is eating things like lip balm, then yes you need to get help for her! Look up Pica, it's a medical condition.

reefedsail Wed 01-Jan-20 19:21:06
I think a locked box or cupboard is the way forward while you investigate the cause.

.......

I agree.

This is very worrying and it might be worth asking her teacher if she does anything equally bizarre at school. Poor little love - I hope this can be stopped before it gets worse.

I used to do this as a child (and steal any spare change I found around to buy sweets, and sell my things to other kids to buy more sweets). I did it because I was horribly, horribly unhappy and eating soothed me, secret eating, excessive eating so I could focus on the food instead of the sadness in me.

Children don't binge eat and steal because they're naughty, so knock the punishments on the head right away. She lies which is not great, but the fact she does so even knowing there's no way she could possibly be believed, is because she's horribly ashamed most likely. It's a compulsion.

You need to talk to her - not about the eating but about whatever the eating is squashing down inside her. What is making her need comfort so badly she's willing to destroy her health, take risks, steal and lie, and upset and anger her parents. Talk to her - about home, about school. Offer her love and empathy. Don't talk about the food at all unless she mentions it. If you have things you don't want her to get at then yes hide/lock them away, but don't make a song and dance of this ("look what you made us do") - just disappear them. But be aware controlling the access that you know about will not solve the problem, as she will find some other way to feed the addiction - she's already shown she will be reckless and resourceful to do so.

A therapist might be an idea but initially I'd suggest some intensive loving focus and try to find out what's eating her rather than your current approach around trying to manage the symptoms.

That is unusual. Does she also chew, bite or suck non food things? Like her fingers clothing or furniture?

No, she doesn't.

Has your daughter always had an uncontrollable appetite or eaten items that are not edibles? Sounds like she needs to be seen by your GP. Keep a detailed food diary for the appointment, so that your GP can use it as a baseline for tests.

To say, I think she should have some sort of intervention but you might struggle on the NHS sadly, unless there are other troubling behaviours? The best thing for my ds1 was being seen by cahms.

Ok just saw your other post - eating non-food items is a potentially very worrying symptom and you should take her straight to the GP.

Children don't binge eat and steal because they're naughty, so knock the punishments on the head right away. She lies which is not great, but the fact she does so even knowing there's no way she could possibly be believed, is because she's horribly ashamed most likely. It's a compulsion

Thank you for this. We have done this in more recent months - my husband sees someone about his anxiety and on her advice we have been much less punitive and more supportive, trying to support her to tell the truth without fear of being punished.

Unfortunately, it's at the point where it's affecting her physically and we're no further forward in terms of helping her.

It's such a tough one OP. I don't know what the answer is because I don't know what would have helped me - I still have quite disordered eating and binge when stressed. But I know what didn't help me - my parents judging me, treating me like a problem to be solved, forcing me to exercise (I ,have this painful, shamed memory of my dad dragging me out for a run with him after seeing me walking out of the shower in a towel and being disgusted and angry about the little rolls of fat under my armpits), scolding me for eating badly.

They never made any attempt to understand the emotions I barely understood myself that were driving me to binge so excessively, they just assumed I was being greedy.

Eating made me feel safe (still does sometimes). So something was making me feel endangered. It may be the same for her. Whatever it's doing for her is currently more important than her appearance, her health, and the respect of her peers and her parents - so whatever she's fighting is huge and horrible.

I hope you can help her, my heart goes out to her. It's a terrible place to be in. And for you too I know.

I used to work in CAMHS & have experience with eating disorders, I would definitely recommend seeking support. As @VeniceQueen2004 says, it’s likely driven by emotions rather than physical hunger & she might need help in expressing & understanding those emotions.

School nurse might be a good place to start. Or GP depending on if you’ve got a decent one!

Feel free to PM if you want to chat more