To ask how to make friends?

[lacuran]

I became a mother two and a half years ago. I am the first from my group of friends to have a child and still now am the only one.

It happens constantly where they (we have a group of 6) arrange things and don't ask me or invite me.

I appreciate quite often I can't come to events or weekends away due to obvious reasons but it is so freakinnn hurtful.

I have baby number 2 on the way (although early weeks so nobody yet knows). I am hoping this can be my second shot to make mummy friends which I failed to find first time as I found the groups to be quite cliquey.

Are my friends leaving me out or should I just accept we're at different stages of our lives?

Should mention I have 'friends' at work, but that's pretty much as far as it goes as they naturally have their own friends outside of the office!

You need To join free mums groups / drop in sessions where the focus is on learning something (like breastfeeding) - NCT’s bumps to babies/breastfeeding sessions - and let the organiser in advance know you want to make friends and if there are group Whatsapps to ask if you can be added. They will then introduce you properly to the other mums which makes making friends just that tiny bit easier.

@GrumpyHoonMain great advice, thank you. Presumably these are more towards the later stages of pregnancy/post birth, rather than now?

My friendship group are the same. They went through a stage of not bothering to invite me to things as I was normally busy with my horses and it really hurt, especially when they would plaster what a great time they had all over social media. In the end I jokingly said to them about a gathering I had been excluded from and said 'where was my invite'?! Their response was 'well you are always busy' to which I replied 'but it is always polite to ask and I was actually free that evening, so I could have come along'. Ever since then, they have always invited me to things or made the effort to do things with me when I am free.

I am now also expecting my first baby and I am sure I will be the only one in my friendship group to have a baby for a very long time as they are all too career focused to think about having one yet, so I imagine the lack of invites will start up again soon 😔

I am just going to head to the local baby groups instead and see if I can make some new 'mum' friends to hang out with. It is difficult though and does fill me with a bit of anxiety that the next few years of my life could well be very lonely with just me, my parents, my PIL, my husband and my baby.

@WillingSpringTime that's exactly how I have felt.

The only person I really feel like I have is my husband and to a degree, his family. I also have my dad.

It's lovely to have you husband/partner and family but it sometimes stings to feel like you have no friends.

Mine are still very focussed on nights out etc which just doesn't interest me now. Before Christmas one of them told me they and their partners had booked a table at a fancy restaurant but if a space was available if someone dropped out, I would then be asked. It's really not nice at all

Ways I made new mum friends: Nct, antenatal yoga, baby sensory type classes once baby is born and baby yoga. It is easier to make friends before the baby is born as often friendships are already formed and people go to the baby classes with their friend,although not always. Classes that a have a break and time for the mums to chat are good. I never found it easy to meet people at toddler groups but they were good places to go once you had met a few people and you could “hang out together” and get to know each other.

I just want to be one of those mums that goes to nice play cafes with my friends and their children for a catch up and a chat about the kids. Does that make me sound pathetic

They dont sound like v nice friends op. I too failed (didnt really try tbf) at making mum friends the first time round. When I had my second, I found there was much greater need to get out to groups and activities, for my toddler's benefit. Other mums of two with similar gaps often chatted and in some cases became friends, I think its easy to relate to the unique struggles of 2 under 2/3! Persevere with the groups and step back from people who treat you as you described above.

I wish I knew. I thought having my daughter might help but she's 3 now and I still don't have a good friend. As sad as it sounds I'd love a best friend...

I feel the same! I didn't do NCT and feel like I missed making a group of friends. I made friends at pregnancy yoga and I always try to chat to mums when I can, it feels like dating... Trying to get the courage to ask for their number, I feel like such an idiot

You sound lovely I really hope you find some nice people. Where are you based?

I think if you are ok to chat about private stuff, be funny, listen to people, and be not afraid to discuss difficult topics and have opinions you can back up, and have interests, then people are drawn.
Sometimes people complain about not having friends, and they're perfectly nice people, but just kind of dull. You cant get anything exciting or interesting out of tthem.

Thanks for being nice.... and not telling me I sound desperate

I'm definitely going to look into pregnancy yoga as that sounds very up my street! My only concern is the cost.

I'm in the North East so if anyone has any local knowledge that would be incredibly helpful!

No you don't sound pathetic at all!!! You're friends sound like they are being selfish, but it's not personal I'm sure.

Like a PP said there is usually lots of stuff going on that can be great for new mum's. Locally to me (Solihull) there is a group every other week at the local church hall it's just £1 and you can take children under 5, maybe if you could find something like that?

Also I don't know how old your first child is but when they start school/nursery I bet you will have another group of friends available to you in the school Mum's. Don't worry-you'll find some people with similar interests soon

Also, once you've established a conversation, ask them for recommendations of other places, where is good for x class / on y day etc. Then you can say perhaps will see you there.

@Crazypanda85 I am definitely going to look into that actually. My sons childminder takes him to the local church hall once a week (I didn't even know this group existed when I was on mat leave)

I sometimes drop him off there if I'm working from home and would definitely been keen to try it

@doadeer I'm in the north east, and thank you for you kind words

OP Jasmine Yoga in Tynemouth does beautiful yoga but it's not a pregnancy class (but great for your wellbeing) Google them.

@doadeer thank you!

In our local town there is a baby community cafe each week where a health visitor also attends to answer any questions you might have out with your normal appointments, but it's mainly just a place to have a coffee and a cake and chat with other mums. It was very daunting at first but at least you have instant conversation starters asking people about their babies! I've managed to make some mum friends this way and we have now booked to attend a baby sensory class together. Don't know if your town offers anything similar?

I met one of my good friends in the children's section of our local book shop. We just randomly started chatting!

I also made friends from seeing each other regularly at the park/playground/baby groups.

However most of my friends have been made at the gates of nursery/pre school and then school. I read on here about cliques/crazy playground mums and it's totally unfamiliar!! All the people I have met have been lovely.

Based in London with DS1 and the NE with DS2 so not a geographical thing...

You just need to go to things and chat to anyone and everyone. Don't invest any great hopes in any given conversation, but do it enough times and you'll find people you click with. I've met 'mum friends' all over - the park, baby/toddler groups, gp waiting room, school gates. The majority are one-off conversations and sometimes people look at you as if you are mad (and sometimes the other person turns out to be mad themselves ) , but friendliness eventually pays off. By the fourth or fifth time you've met the same person in the park and had a good conversation, you might tentatively suggest a coffee! The key is persistence, openness and a bit of a thick skin.

Re exclusive cliques, I'm sure they do exist but mostly it's just people who already know each other! It's always easier to not make an effort at a toddler group if you already have a group of friends there, but it doesn't mean that people aren't open to being approached. I've met people who said 'oh I find X group really cliquey', and when I've been I've found nothing of the sort. Sometimes you find what you are expecting, iyswim.

I’m quite good at making friends and have come up with a theory that you have to talk to about 30 women before you really click with one. When meeting someone new at for instance a toddler group I try and listen for 2/3 of the time and speak for 1/3, smile, nod a lot, make good eye contact and be interested in what they are saying. Then it just goes from there, a few people I meet become friends. Normally one of us will invite the other for a coffee.

@lacuran I’m the same at the min OP, well early few weeks pregnancy with my first and feeling quite isolated. So I’m hoping when my usual yoga starts back up again tomorrow I feel a bit more sociable!

But love the other suggestions from everyone. I’m north west based so going to have a look around too for baby groups etc

Does your local library do a bounce and rhyme session? I preferred groups like this and baby sensory etc where you were there to do an activity first and foremost rather than toddler groups where there is more pressure to be chatting to other people. The activity focus takes the pressure off. If you get there earlish then after a couple of weeks faces become familiar and then it’s natural to say hello, then natural a week orcso after to say “ have you had a good week”? If it progresses to saying “see you next week”, then “if you’ve got time for a coffee after next session...” then that’s great and gives the other person time to express interest without leaving you feeling vulnerable if nothing comes of it other than you say hello each week.