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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a little peed off

55 replies

Myheadisamess31 · 01/01/2020 15:54

Just to make this very clear i adore my DSS i have been his stepmum for over 12 years he is 13.

So DSS has been here all over Christmas which is great his DM picked him up last night to go to a family party as weren't doing anything as DH has been ill for a few days and hasn't been out of bed.

DSS was supposed to be with him DM until Friday morning so because we've been stuck in the house and i am losing my mind me & DH had planned a day out tomorrow which i have VERY much been looking forward to.

DSS calls this afternoon can you pick me up i want to go out and my mum has a hangover and won't give me a lift to your end of town. Yes absolutely fine with me thinking we'll run him back later on. DH came home to tell me DSS is now staying normally this would not bother me in the slightest but DSS was up until stupid o'clock this morning will no doubt not go to be at a reasonable time tonight he won't wake up until lunch time tomorrow and even if he did wake up in the morning he won't want to come for a day out with us if we tried to make him he would just moan all day and it grates and he won't be left alone so that's our plans for the day ruined and tickets I've brought gone to waste.

We have him over 90% of the time we are very close i really do love him a lot but i was very much looking forward to just 1 day out of the house doing something we want to do.

I wouldn't and couldn't refuse him to stay because this is his home but i instantly felt so depressed. I think it is just because i have been cooped up in the house since Christmas eve and i need to get out.

AIBU to feel like this. I obviously wouldn't show my disappoint infront of DSS but just wish DH could see i need a break away from the house after being at his beck and call for days whilst he has been ill 😩

OP posts:
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 01/01/2020 16:46

Why would you feel shitty asking a friend to go? You shouldn't allow your day to be disrupted because your husband can't stand up to his ex. You deserve some time for yourself.

bridgetreilly · 01/01/2020 16:52

Does DSS not have any friends he could spend the day with instead of coming with you?

TwentyViginti · 01/01/2020 16:52

Oh OP don't be daft! ask a friend to go with you. Time to assert yourself and your needs a little. Sounds like you put all your needs last.

PlanDeRaccordement · 01/01/2020 16:55

He’s 13. You either leave him at home. (I was babysitting infants when I was younger than him) or he goes with you and you put up with teenage eye rolling. That’s life with a teenage kid.
Unless you can get him to a friends house for the day...

BrieAndChilli · 01/01/2020 16:59

Could he not go to play with you nephews?

Original poster
Myheadisamess31 · 01/01/2020 17:00

@chocolatesaltyballs22 because i know DH was looking forward to it too so I'd feel a bit guilty. Plus if DSS knew he'd be a bit upset and think he's caused problems.

It really just doesn't seem worth arguing with his ex about it though. i am sure DSS already feels a bit of abandonment from his mum as she rarely sees him and we've always been constant and consistent so i want him to know and feel like he always comes first which he does. I feel like if we shipped him off back there he'd be hurt and feel unwanted especially as his mum doesn't particularly want him there.

I've had a bath and time to think and now feel like an utter cow for feeling pissed off in the first place because it's not his fault

OP posts:
Sleepforever · 01/01/2020 17:01

He's 13!!! Of course he's old enough to leave at hime for the day! Stop babying him for goodness sake!

Tinty · 01/01/2020 17:01

Ok I have a solution, you go and pick up your 13 and 15 year old nephews, have them to stay fit a sleepover. It will give your sister a rest then all 3 boys can stay together tomorrow whilst you go out. Get lots of snacks in and go enjoy your day out.

PrettyPurse · 01/01/2020 17:01

Think I'll just have to cut my loses and suck it up

Well if you do, then you have to be at peace with that decision and not be in a mood, or mention it again.

Or...

You could stop being a martyr and find someone else to go with or go alone

Alb1 · 01/01/2020 17:02

YANBU to be annoyed, I would be. But I think you are a little unreasonable to let this cancel your day out all together. Either go out with someone else or tell your DSS he’s coming with you as you’ve booked it already and need a break from the house, it’s ridiculous to not go out because of a 13 year old. I no it’s not the same as going out just the 2 of you, but it’s better than nothing and kids can’t always get 100% of what they want all the time.

Chocolatemouse84 · 01/01/2020 17:02

I'd have a different day out tomorrow with oh and step son. Somewhere fun that you can spend the day there and I'd tell step son you are leaving at such time and he had to be ready.

And then first chance you get, go with oh to the museum with oh.

It isn't fair that your plans have been changed without you having a say, step sons mum sounds selfish but I can't see a different solution that still salvage tomorrow into being a nice day.

CalleighDoodle · 01/01/2020 17:02

Your husband cannot allow his son to rule the house. It will not end well. Your dh absolutely needs to tell the son this is whats happening, early night, up early tomorrow and the museum, or he has to go back to his mum’s or a friend’s. His choice.

Then your dh needs to be making sure his son is getting ready to be a self-sufficient adult. He should be cooking with him. His son by 13 should be able to cook some dishes, and be doing so for the family regularly.

Stillagain · 01/01/2020 17:04

second going with a friend,adult conversation and you get to see the place you wanted. Im sure is not shitty to leave DH with is own son!

Original poster
Myheadisamess31 · 01/01/2020 17:04

@BrieAndChilli he usually would be with my nephews at my Dsis's but she's been poorly so don't want to ask.

I could invite nephews here for the day but the thought of a 15 year old and two 13 year olds home alone fills me with dread especially as they are "lads lads" i dread to think what they'd get upto 😬

OP posts:
billy1966 · 01/01/2020 17:05

OP, I think you are being a bit of a martyr to everyone and it's not a good look.

Mum or step mum, it's ok to want a break.
I would be contacting a friend and heading out.
Very disappointing that your husband can't see this.
We teach people how to treat us and it sounds like you are looking after everyone and not yourself.
His mum was very quick to make plans considering she hadn't seen her child in 10 days.
Sounds like she is taking the piss.
I'd have a good hard look at the message you are giving everyone and where you come in the scheme of things.
Sounds like last to me.
Resentment builds, it doesn't melt away usually.
Own the fact you're pissed off and do something about it.

💐

Tinty · 01/01/2020 17:09

It’s one day and they won’t get up to anything beyond eating you out of house and home and playing fortnite all day. Have them over order pizza to be delivered. You may find it works so well you can do it again another time. 😁 give them a chance and your sister a break. Sounds like she deserves it if she has your DSS over sometimes.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 01/01/2020 17:16

Which museum were you planning to go to because you might be able to change the dates on the tickets?

If he's in bed til midday anyway you'll have had half your day out by the time he gets up

Original poster
Myheadisamess31 · 01/01/2020 17:28

I don't think I'm a martyr.

I can't have DC so i have throughly loved playing such a big part in my stepson's life and like i say we are close we get on great he always talks to me about his problems we have a good laugh together but i fully 100% admit i have done absolutely everything for him and i have probably cared to much and made him to dependant not intentionally it's just to show him he's loved i suppose as daft as it sounds. Well to be completely honest it's because i haven't got a clue what i am doing.

He does cook at home with us quite bit and we are working on making him more independent. Since he's recently turned 13 he now does chores to earn money.

I do take responsibility for being to soft i don't want arguments with DH or his ex and i haven't shown to anyone other than you lot how peed off i was. I try for an easy life for everyone and i can be way to soft i know.

You lot have made me realise though that he is old enough to stay home so thank you. I have spoken to DSS an explained about tomorrow he laughed and said he doesn't want to come so I've told him to invite nephews and I'll go to the shops in the morning a pick them up some stuff so he's happy enough. DH is a bit dubious he really is a great dad and we worry to death about SS because like i say we are winging it unfortunately there's no written book on how to bring up teenagers but we are doing our absolute best.

Thank you for advice looks like I'll be going tomorrow after all (if DH can stop shitting 😂)

OP posts:
Alb1 · 01/01/2020 17:36

How can you be winging it and clueless after 12 years if he’s with you so often and your that close? That’s a daft thing to say. Obviously we are all ‘winging it’ to an extent, but that’s just a rubbish excuse after so many years! Personally I don’t think it’s bad if he’s not fully independent yet, obviously it needs working on but it’s not a major deal. You sound like a good step mum, and I’m not implying your doing a bad job, I just think that comment is daft. Glad you’ve managed to sort something out with him for tomorrow, now you can both have a nice day and fingers crossed he impresses by being responsible. Have a lovely day out.

Tinty · 01/01/2020 17:36

Ok shops for snacks and Imodium 🤣 have a great day OP.

Original poster
Myheadisamess31 · 01/01/2020 17:45

@tinty 😂😂 absolutely

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 01/01/2020 17:48

There are a huge amount of books on raising teenagers on amazon. Maybe order a couple and devise a plan for making a Functioning and successful adult, which of course is the aim of parenting. It would be a parenting fail to raise a child to adulthood who could not manage simple tasks independently.

Original poster
Myheadisamess31 · 01/01/2020 17:49

@Alb1 what i am trying to say is there is no right or wrong and between us we are just doing our best and sometimes need a little advice along the way like tonight

OP posts:
SendCoffeeASAP · 01/01/2020 17:59

If you are going to Beamish tomorrow, consider me very jealous! Have a lovely day OP. And for what it's worth you sound like an absolutely lovely step-mam, you won't always get it right, nobody ever does. But so long as your heart is in the right place, you're half way there. Sounds like you're raising a lovely young man.

Original poster
Myheadisamess31 · 01/01/2020 18:04

@SendCoffeeASAP thank you so much ❤

OP posts: