To feel sad about SILs pregnancy

[Sparkle2020]

Started my period after a 40 day cycle today (had been convinced I must be pregnant as always 28 days usually), so now onto cycle 16 ttc and found out my partners sister is pregnant. Ended up having a bit of a breakdown at work and feel so selfish. Haven’t shown my partner I’m upset as he’s very excited to be an uncle, but I feel like such a bitch. Who cries over someone else’s happy moment?? I just feel so empty

Been there so I feel your pain.
Easier said than done but try to remember you are not crying because she is pregnant, it's because you're not. There is no need to feel guilty.

Not unreasonable at all, I've been there and it's so hard. I hope things work out for you soon and in the meantime be kind to yourself

It’s totally understandable that you’re upset that someone else if pregnant when you long for a baby yourself. It’s ok to feel like that. Please don’t spoil the uncle thing for your partner though. Don’t give up hope. 💐

Infertility almost broke me to be honest. In the worst part of it I don't even recognise myself. I remember my partner at the time's friend got pregnant and I just lost it, sobbing, saying I could never go to their house again. Everyone around me was getting pregnant and I was angry and bitter, but eventually I realised I didn't want their babies, I wanted mine.

Sadly I am over 10 years on and it probably won't happen for me now, but I can be happy for others now. Allow yourself time to be sad and angry in private. I hope you get your BFP soon

3.5 years, the decision to quit actively trying and a broken ankle (mine) for us to conceive with our eldest.

My G.P said “Just quit trying for the next 6 months. In 6 months time your not pregnant we would investigate and start testing.”
We both needed the mental break from trying and to get back to sex being fun, connecting and no stress.
It was like a weight had been lifted and got our relationship back in a healthy place.

It’s both jealousy and grief.
Grief for your hopes and dreams of what you want or place you thought you would be in your life.

It’s ok to be Sad, emotional and grieve but being an aunt is bloody awesome.
All of the good stuff none of the responsibilities.

I don’t recommend the broken ankle route but have a break if you feel you need to and just enjoy yourself.

Be kind to yourself. Your grieving for the baby you thought you were having, and sil being pregnant is like a kick in the teeth. Perfectly normal reactions.

Hopefully you will get good news soon.

Sending lots of hugs your way its totally understandable to be upset ttc is the worst pain I have been through my sister in law rang us on my first wedding anniversary to tell us she was expecting again and just said mistakes happen I was absolutely heartbroken after we had been trying ttc for 2 years dont give up hope xx

I understand too. I say congratulations, and I mean it, every time another friend announces a pregnancy. Then I go home and cry for all the pregnancies I have lost, all the dreams I had once. I mute people on Facebook when they post about pregnancies, and occasionally go onto their page to wish them well. The baby aisle is agony in any shop.

It takes time. Both to conceive and carry a baby to term, but also to recover a broken heart.

You aren’t at the end of the road yet. Please don’t lose hope.

It feels like everyone else gets pregnant so easy doesn’t it! Like she wasn’t even trying at all 🥺 wish it was the same for me.

Most women get pregnant within 2 years, so don’t worry your time will come soon. Just remember that there isn’t a quota of babies - just because one person has managed to give birth to four babies back to back within weeks of trying (like my cousin did during the time it took me to get one) doesn’t mean you won’t.

Don't beat yourself up
When you are desperate for a baby it's so hard

From someone going through ivf it’s hellish when someone close is pregnant you are happy for them but deeply sad at the same time

Yanbu to feel this way, it is really hard. In the last few months we’ve had two sets of friends announce pregnancies and both times I’ve felt almost shell shocked. I obviously congratulated them and waited til I got home to feel sorry for myself, but it is tough! Be kind to yourself

Be kind to yourself.

This is very, very common when you're trying to conceive. Do not feel bad for being upset. You can be happy for your SIL whilst being sad about your own crappy situation. Cut yourself some slack x

I went home and cried from work when my friend told me she was pregnant and I wasn’t.

My friend hung up on her sister when she told her she was pregnant because she was ttc and it hadn’t happened yet and she was too upset to talk.

It’s normal and it’s ok.

YANBU. (See below for statistics on falling pregnant - no wonder you feel unlucky).

And since you are now onto cycle 16 ttc, and upset, I suggest you start getting some tests done asap if you haven't already.

Some countries make you wait two years, before the public purse will pay. In other countries, tests are paid for after one year. You can pay for your own tests at any time. You might be able to show that you were having regular unprotected sex before you “tried to conceive”, so maybe you are already up to 2 years?

Tests can take a surprisingly long time. Don’t wait until you are absolutely exhausted with ttc. Some tests have to be timed according to your cycles. And 25% of people with infertility end up with no explanation after a long list of tests. Successful medical treatment for infertility (after all the tests) can take years, and will definitely take multiple months. Even referral and commencement takes awhile and generally people will start with low intervention assistance (eg artificial insemination, drugs to ripen one egg), which is less hard on your body and cheaper, but unfortunately has relatively low added value. Eventually people move onto IVF which has a higher chance of success (but still not great with any single cycle).

So unless you actively want to keep ttc just as you are (or you can’t afford to go private), then I suggest you start with the tests. Don't forget to get your partner tested too.
You can continue ttc while you are having the tests done. Don't forget that regular sex means every 2-3 days (which can seem like a lot; not just regular).

Depending on your age, the vast majority of couples will be pregnant after the amount of time you have been trying. That’s why you feel like everyone around you is falling pregnant – if they’re trying, they are falling pregnant!
The NHS reports that among couples having regular unprotected sex:
• aged 19 to 26 – 92% will conceive after 1 year and 98% after 2 years
• aged 35 to 39 – 82% will conceive after 1 year and 90% after 2 years

So sorry you are having a tough time. Your emotions are totally understandable. Be kind to yourself

Thank you everyone, it makes me feel better to know I’m not just a horrible selfish person 🥴 I really hope 2020 is my year

I've been there too, i think part of an issue with ttc is that it can look to the outside world like it's really easy for other people to have a baby. I remember being jealous of pregnant people and that it wasn't fair that we were having such a tough time (second trimester loss and a couple of first). In hindsight I look back and realise I didn't actually know how long/tough people had it.

A colleague commented to me recently how I just fell pregnant with my daughter and how she was struggling. I was completely honest about it all and I think (hope) she left the conversation feeling better about her journey. I guess what I'm saying is that we don't always share our experiences so while it might look like a pregnant woman has it all she might have taken 10 years to get there etc.

God what a ramble 🤦🏻‍♀️ Hope what I'm saying makes sense!

Yanbu

One of the hardest things I ever had to do was to tell our friends who had had an awful stillbirth that I was pregnant with number two but they were thrilled about it, a bit envious, but no problems.

Does your family know you’ve been struggling? If I was the sil, I’d far rather my brother had a quiet word so I didn’t hurt you further (eg talking about the baby etc). It may be that you need time away from them for a bit to process or it becomes harder as the bump becomes more visible.

I think its more than reasonable for you to be upset in your own company, i really hope you get your positive soon. I obviously wouldn't show your upset to your sil, you don't know if they have also struggled to conceive. Good luck

YANBU OP. It's a very natural response.

We lost our first late into the pregnancy, it had taken 11 years to even conceive. I had a really long recovery and the first cycle when we had decided to try again I was convinced I was pregnant, I felt symptoms, my period was late, I was so sure that the test felt like a mere formality at that point so when I sat there with that big fat negative in my hands it felt like the world had come crashing down around me all over again.

It was then that my husband came into the room to tell me his sister had just called to say she was expecting. It was like a stab through the heart. First try. Didn't expect it to happen so fast. All the things you want to hear when your struggling. I had to avoid her for a couple of weeks while I gathered my brave face but she was very understanding and gave us as much space and time as we needed. And I love my little nephew very much.

We did go on to have our second. I still find it a bit hard to be around pregnant women even though we aren't trying anymore (husband has had the snip). What you are feeling is ok. You aren't horrible, you're a human going through a rough time.

Sounds horrible. You’re not being unreasonable to feel like you do. You’d be UR to be cruel your SIL, but having your own private feelings is totally normal.