Growing apart

[whenitsover]

Struggled to title this one, but we’re 12 years into our relationship,6 years married. Have 2 young dd.

So we hardly talk anymore, don’t share the marital bed and haven’t had sex in months. To be honest it feels like we have separated but live together for convenience / kids.

There’s no fun or excitement in our relationship, we hardly go out for time to ourselves and we have both been neglecting each other.

I also feel things are unevenly split between us. I am the main carer for the DDs whilst also having a full time job and running the household. He does things when I ask him to; he seems to have no or very limited awareness of what I do to keep the house running / maintain things around the house. He is very driven at work (High profile job) but at home nothing is an issue for him so he doesn’t think about it or think it matters, often belittling me. He also has poor hygiene which drives me up the bend.

Thing is I’ve known him for long enough to know all this before, but I don’t know how to move forward to rectify our relationship.

Part of me just wants to call it a day and say that this relationship wasn’t meant to be forever, but another part of me thinks we should work it out, but how?

It might be a mis post under AIBU, but I’d like some perspective. Be kind please, I’m fully appreciate that I’m not in the worst of relationships, but at the same time I’m not happy either. Thank you

I was all for you working it out until as I thought it was just young children and life getting in the way until you said he calls you names.

Why do you want to work it out? Because you love him, love what your relationship was like or because you love the idea of what you think your relationship will be like? Have a long think about what you want your life to be like and write it down, feel loved, respected, go places at the weekend, whatever is important. Then talk to him and suggest counselling if you think the relationship is worth working on.

Whatever you do something got to change. You sound rightfully unhappy and this is not a good example to set your children.

If I were you op I'd try counselling if he's willing and give it a shot. I probably wouldn't just carry on how things are though, it doesn't sound like a nice relationship for you. Good luck.

Well, you need to start talking straight away. Chances are that if you aren't happy then neither is he. Communication is the key to everything in life. Tell him you aren't happy and what you aren't happy about. Then listen to him and what he isn't happy about. Relationships can be rekindled. You just have to make an effort not to let the humdrum of daily life get in the way.

You need to have childcare and household tasks split more evenly.

Why don't you share a bed?

Is his poor hygiene something he's always suffered with or could it be a sign of him suffering depression? If just him then he needs to know that poor hygiene isn't condusive to a good sex life.

You do need to decide whether, if you could change things to how they used to be, you would still want to be with him or whether you have moved on from him. If you want things how they were then put an effort into having weekly date nights, share the same bed and splitting household tasks.

Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater until you have exhausted all possibilities. Divorce isn't something to be treated lightly.

Sorry, I overlooked the part about him belittling you. That is something you need to speak to him about and tell him you aren't prepared to put up with it (and mean it).

Why does he do that? Can you work out what is behind it? Counselling may well be the way forward to have help in discovering what is going on here.

He should not be belittling you - that is wholly unacceptable.

Perhaps you need to try and find a moment to discuss all this with him to find out how he feels and what he wants the future to be for you both. It can be very hard to drag a relationship in a new direction when it has drifted along the wrong path over a period of time. Getting closer can feel a bit scary. But if this is what you want then you need to state that clearly so he knows what you are aiming for - you can then see if your aims tally.

It will feel like a huge leap for both of you, so getting some support from Relate or elsewhere might be helpful.