To ask what is a reasonable amount of screen time for teenagers and should I even be monitoring/ restricting it?

[Notenoughbookshelves]

It’s a frequent point of discussion/ argument in our house. They’d be glued to their devices all day if I let them. 15 and 16.

Try dragging them out on a Sunday, huge amount of grief but manage it. Both work full time so no time in evenings, teens don’t want to be with their parents anyway. One goes running now and again in evenings for half an hour.

Maybe it’s time to sit them down and have a chat about some changes you’re going to make this year.

Talk to them about their GCSEs and how they envision them going. What results would they like to get? What is their future looking like?
How could they organise themselves to get decent results?

Talk to them about health and fitness and doing more to help out.

It’s hard to force them to do anything so the best you can do is work with them, get them to set some goals and see if they can motivate themselves. Ask what you can do to help them.

Personally, if my teens aren’t focussing on those things, I have no qualms about taking their phones off them. But dc1 is a year younger.

I read masses, do craft stuff, cook, work. Doesn’t seem to be mirrored, it’s all seen as lame.Apparently reading is as anti social as sitting up in rooms on screens.

They should be self regulating but they don’t. Seems to be common amongst friends.

Self regulation is hard. The games (and APPs to some extent) are designed to be addictive. That's how I explain it to DCs. We have a rule that everyone needs to leave the house everyday. On a school night homework or revision happens before games/ social media. All screens off by 9pm. I am more relaxed in thw holidays but 10:30 is late enough

My eldest is 15. He works hard at school and is very physically active in the week. School have a no phones rule so it’s in his locker all day there. I know he uses it on the bus to watch stuff/message friends. He uses his computer at home in the evening for gaming and homework, but often isn’t home until 5.30-6pm if he’s seeing friends/activity, we have a no phones at the table rule over dinner (for everyone). My other rule is phone brought down at 9.30pm and charged downstairs overnight. I switch the WiFi off at 10pm because his computer is in his room and he’s been known in the past to be tempted to go back on after bedtime.

In school holidays I relax it all because he does work hard in term time and I know he feels my bedtime rules and phone downstairs thing is archaic and ‘no one else’s parents do this’. I allow maybe a couple of days of him hiding himself away with screens/not up till early afternoon etc before I strongly encourage him to come out with me/dad/siblings.

It’s really hard, as I think they do need to have some control themselves, but equally still need guidance. Screen use does really annoy me and I’d like to be stricter but realistically it would only create a bad relationship with him and at the moment it’s mostly ok, with very few non negotiable rules and flex when not at school.

Self regulation is hard - it is a skill that has to be learned, that has to be taught, it does not just appear overnight.

All I can say is it is easier with rules to start with - when they first get the devices. Imposing rules later will be railed against.

They need some rules on the list that are non-negotiable - self care being the primary one - exercise/cleanliness/learning to take care of themselves and surroundings for their own future/education for their own future/friendships/family bonding - all of these things are things they should care about - and the reason they care about them is because the people around them count them as important and vital for life, the people around them model the behaviour and make sure there are plenty of activities to do that are more important than screen time.

@NorthernBirdAtHeart what is the app called please? I need it in my life for DD!

Self regulation comes with maturity.

Some kids are great at it (and the parents pat themselves on the back as to their own great parenting).

Some kids are hopeless.

GCSE year is not the year to be sorting it out imo. If they haven't learned beforehand, then wait until after!

Reading with interest. DD is only 10yo and we already have parental controls in place for content and time/duration but I'm aware that this isn't really teaching self-regulation. She goes to secondary school in September so will need to make a step change.

Hoping you get some good tips OP.

It’s not always about maturity. Plenty of adults can’t self regulate either.
It’s really hard once you become dependent on that phone to fill in your time.

Watching with interest. I think the turning router off at 10 would be good!

I think the answer is to ensure they have other things to do that appeal more than a screen.
They’ll have exams coming up so studying should take up an amount of time regularly, family mealtimes, some form of exercise whether that be walks, gym, sports etc. Chores that they should be helping with. Extracurricular stuff. Cinema or theatre trips.
I don’t think we ever had to have battles but just had nicer things happening and rules around courtesy towards others if we had visitors or were visiting people.

I don't restrict - mine are 13 and 16. However they are NOT allowed on them after bedtime and one of them only ever challenged this, I woke up at two am and saw the screen light coming out of his room so then he had to bring his devices to me before bed until I decided he could be trusted again. I'm not super strict on bedtimes either especially at weekends and in the holidays so they know they've got it good compared to their friends and they don't try it on.

GCSE year is most definitely the time to sort this out. I have one son in year 12 and one in year 9.

The rules were and still are, all homework must be at least started before any tech for fun. But I am a SAHM so I am here to enforce it but I don't have to do this anymore because it started out this way when they were in primary school.

Any whining or moaning about coming off tech results in no tech, any whining or moaning about leaving the house for whatever reason results in no tech.

Re GCSEs you need to sit them both down so your second child also gets their head around this and as PP suggested ask them what they want to achieve, where they want to go after year 11 is finished. How will they achieve this? How effective has their revision been? What have they done? Reading a revision book is useless unless you are testing yourself.

No phones in rooms overnight, and both my sons come off tech and read for a bit, this may well be a DnD mannual but it is reading still.

Totally agree with Beyond self care is essential, Ds1 is out of bed and straight into the shower at 6.30am. He doesn't struggle with this because he gets enough sleep for his body. Both my sons have stuff to do in the house, their rooms are spotless, laundry is in the laundry baskets, they strip their beds every week on a particular day and put it in the wash, they are responsible for emptying the bins, again on specific days. They help prepare dinner, they set the table, we all clear the table, no-one leaves the kitchen until everything is washed, wiped down etc.

We also spend time together after dinner, surely there is something you can watch together? We have just watched The Wrong Mans on BBC iplayer, Dh and I saw it when it came out. There are a million YouTube channels you must be able to find something you would all watch.

As you both work full time and your children are no doubt home earlier than you why are they not preparing a dinner? How hard is boiling some pasta? Or wrapping salmon in foil and putting it in the oven? You are raising children to be competent adults. They need to start taking on some of the household responsibilities. Ds1 was amazed at how easy dinner was in a slow cooker!

Big family meeting around the table. Decide beforehand how you want this to work.

By saying GCSE year is not the time to sort this out. I meant GCSE year is not the time to experiment with giving them free rein if they haven't been able to handle it up to now.
Obviously if current screen time methods aren't working then GCSE is just the time to sort it.

that is very unreasonable. Theyre going to be leaving home in a few years and will have no skills to self-regulate and where would they be there. They have to learn and the best way of doing that is to step back a little.