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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was I wrong

22 replies

Lost01 · 01/01/2020 06:42

Name changed because this is identifying

Exdp and I have worked hard to stay friends for our joint dd and his older kids.

Monday we met up at a local shopping centre for tea with dd and dsd as dsd needed some new jeans. Exdp his rubbish at shopping for a teen girl and her mum just doesn't bother and never has.

During dinner Exdp made a comment about dd who is 6 having spent the morning alone as he'd not woken up. Didn't get up til lunchtime. I made it quietly clear he was out of order and his response was "well she could have woken me" I know from nearly 10 years together he doesn't wake easily. He often says he has woken up in the morning with her in bed with him (she's not a good sleeper) and no idea when she came in. She has suffered night terrors since being a baby and shouts and cries in her sleep. I have never not known she has got up and certainly wake when she gets into my bed cos apart from anything she fidgets like mad!

Dd has an over active immune system and has anaphylaxis to fresh air at times so it is highly likely that has something happshw could not have woken him.

His flippant reaponse and dismissal of my concerns has both scared and angered me. I told him I was taking dd home with me and we would discuss it later.

I text him after I got home to say we would talk when I had calmed down but that what he did was stupid and irresponsible and until I feel I can trust him to keep dd safe she will not be spending the night with him. I have said I am not stopping him seeing her and he can have her in the day, after school etc on his normal days (was 50/50) but she comes here to sleep as I don't trust him to get up with her.

This is not the first time he has been an idiot where dd is concerned. She has a particularly odd food allergy and he regularly allows her to eat things she shouldn't have because "she wanted it" it was a food containing this allergen that first gave her anaphylaxis, since then we have had to put her on a form of chemo to suppress her immune reaction so we have no idea how severe a reaction she could have now.

He thinks I am overreacting and it was a one off. Dd tells me that daddy often goes back to bed or doesn't get up but normally her brother is there. He is a naive and very immature 16 year old. I love my dss to bits but he cannot look after himself let alone a 6 year old.

I have no idea how to make Exdp see why his behaviour is so out of order... He refuses to see that he put dds life in danger, even without her condition she could have has any sort of accident that could have rendered her unable to get him....

Was I wrong? Dd is my life. If anything happened to her in his care I would never forgive myself

OP posts:

MakeItRain · 01/01/2020 06:52

No you're not wrong given her allergy and his lack of care/sleep habits. What a difficult position he has put you in. I think you'll just need to keep telling him what the problem is and that she can only stay over if you can come up with a solution together.

thickwoollytights · 01/01/2020 06:59

You are right

He can no longer have her overnight

Explain why to DD although I think she already understands

The man is a twat

Original poster

Lost01 · 01/01/2020 07:04

Thanks @makeitrain my parents hvw both backed me and are mad as hell at him but won't say anything as they don't want to rock boats etc as he is their connection to my step kids who they adore and have always seen as their own grandkids.

I feel guilty and he looked really hurt yesterday when I dropped her off with him and insisted she was back for bedtime. He says he won't argue with me about it "for now" but I cam see it getting nasty really fast.

He should have her today but has said he doesn't want her now. Its fine I didn't have plans and anything I did have sorted she could have come or plans would have altered to accommodate her.

His lack of thought has been an issue for years and a key reason for us splitting up but this is so much beyond that. Being thoughtless and selfish is one thing but I can't forgive deliberately putting dd in danger

OP posts:

Original poster

Lost01 · 01/01/2020 07:07

@thickwoollytights I have. As much as I hate having to involve her. As it stands she knows that daddy did something very silly and I am cross with him. That she could have been badly hurt and that until daddy earns my trust again she has to sleep here.

So far she has taken it in her stride but I'm not sure for how long.

OP posts:

Perid0t · 01/01/2020 07:25

You’re not wrong. I won’t let my 6 year old get up without an adult and she doesn’t have a medical condition.

Original poster

Lost01 · 01/01/2020 20:39

@Perid0t thanks.

I'm still running it all through my head over and over and over. Dd seems OK. She's handling it better than I thought, which is a huge relief.

OP posts:

Rollonspringtime2020 · 01/01/2020 20:43

Dc has a medical condition their df refuses to manage.
Dd doesn't get to have dc unsupervised imo..

My dc has a medical condition exh told the court I had made up!!
Idiot man.
Ds went nc with him for crap parenting...

2020BetterBeBetter · 01/01/2020 20:45

If he is difficult about it, I would see a solicitor. It’s not worth risking your daughter’s life over this. I hope it can be resolved amicably.

StripeyDeckchair · 01/01/2020 20:45

Put all this in an email. Use bullet points, be factual, be clear.
If it becomes difficult you'll have a paper trail.

BigFatLiar · 01/01/2020 20:49

Why doesn't he wake? Is it just he's a heavy sleeper? Does he go to bed late and get up late or does he simply oversleep?

Original poster

Lost01 · 01/01/2020 21:14

@bigfatliar if past history is anything to go by I suspect he stayed up late and was too heavily asleep. But honestly I don't know.

I don't want to make it messier by involving solicitors and at the moment he is obeying my rules about not having her overnight.

Once I am calmer and the dust has settled I am going to email him with a set of rules one of which will be he sees a doctor about his heavy sleeping and inability to wake and gets it checked.

I don't want her to not have a relationship with her dad. He's a tool at times but he does love her.

He risk assessed as part of his bloody job which is why his inability to understand my anger or the risk he out her in is so infuriating.

I think if he could even acknowledge the risk and his stupidity I would feel a bit easier about it all but the fact he is currently gaslighting me over it worries me.

OP posts:

amy85 · 01/01/2020 21:33

Pretty much every night my two youngest (8 and 4) get into my bed with me...I pretty much never hear them get in and quite often only realise when I wake up in the morning...so I don't really see an issue with that.
Over the Xmas holidays I've dozed in most mornings while the kids have pottered about...so again I can't get overly worked up about that but maybe I'm too relaxed.

However The feeding her an allergen that you know she reacts too is completely out of order

Original poster

Lost01 · 01/01/2020 21:41

@amy85 way too relaxed. You seriously let a 4 year old fend for themsleves with an 8 year old to supervise? Wow I hope for your sake nothing ever happens

OP posts:

zonkin · 01/01/2020 21:48

I don't think having a doze in the morning whilst an 8 year old and 4 year old potter about is dangerous. Maybe I'm too relaxed as well.

BottleOfJameson · 01/01/2020 21:52

Especially due to her medical issues she needs supervising in the morning. He doesn't even have her most of the time so he really doesn't need to have a lie in while she's there.

PegasusReturns · 01/01/2020 21:52

It’s not the sleeping that’s the issue here.

Op I understand you’re upset but this isn’t a new issue is it? You’ve always know he was a heavy sleeper and have allowed your DD to stay presumably knowing that if he was needed in night he wouldn’t/couldn’t wake?

It seems what has changed is you thought he should have got up earlier. I’m afraid I can’t see an issue with that, she’s 6 not a toddler. Presumably the house is safe and secure and she knows not to do certain things.

The attitude to food to which she is allergic is odd though and a far greater concern. If he’s genuinely giving her food that puts her health in danger then why are you even allowing him any time with her unsupervised?!

amy85 · 01/01/2020 22:00

@Lost01 there's also a 10 year old in the mix too...they get up and usually go down and put the TV on for a bit. The big two sort their own breakfasts out and sometimes for the youngest too, but usually she'll help herself to a snack then will come get me up when she wants her breakfast.
They don't need constant watching, the house is safe and they know what they aren't allowed touch (i.e the oven) I really don't see the issue

Original poster

Lost01 · 01/01/2020 22:26

Pegasus - he's never slept that heavily and for that long, that I know of anyway. And yes it is the fact that he left a 6 year old alone to fend for herself for 4-5 hours that is the issue alongside the other things.

OP posts:

PegasusReturns · 01/01/2020 22:32

There’s nothing wrong with a 6 year old pottering about in the morning whilst parents sleep.

And she wasn’t left to “fend for herself”. You are overreacting.

Original poster

Lost01 · 01/01/2020 22:57

4-5 hours alone is being left to fend for herself

And I am fairly sure if something happened social services would take a very dim view.

You can gamble with your kids lives but I am not gambling with mine. She could have died. Literally. That is not an over reaction it is a fact

OP posts:

amy85 · 01/01/2020 23:15

Why didn't she wake him up? My kids leave me for about an hour or so then wake me up if I'm not already awake. She was obviously happy if she left him in bed.

Russell19 · 02/01/2020 04:13

Feeding her the allergen is not on I agree with you but this doesn't seem to be a new thing....neither does the sleeping so why stop her staying over now so suddenly?

How is he going to prove himself?

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