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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to ask for advice please

20 replies

HelpPleaseNoHateNeeded · 31/12/2019 20:52

Please don't judge me, I'm not having a good day. My 15 almost 16yo son had 7 friends over for a NYE sleepover, (I'm overseas so it's early NYD here). They had a swim, played twister, listened to music, sang a bit, had mocktails at the bells then shortly after midnight, i went to bed as I'm a paramedic and was working at 0600 today and told them just to keep the noise down. Cut to 0340 and the one girl present crept into my room, woke me up and told me they needed my help. One of the boys had snuck in a bottle of Jack Daniels and necked 3/4 of it, my son had also drank a few gulps. The boy in question was passed out, had vomited everywhere in his sleep and wet his pants and they were terrified. My son was crying.

I checked his obs and managed to get him to blow into my breathalyser - his bac was 0.160. Three times the drink drive limit here. His obs were stable, and I decided to stay up and monitor him until morning. I didn't want to wake his parents at 0400, and I'm clinically trained to know if he needed further medical assistance.

All the other kids voluntarily blew the breathalyser and came up zero. My son blew 0.012.

My initial reaction was to read the riot act with my son. I told him he had shattered my trust and that I was angry and disappointed with him.

Now comes my dilemma. I know the boy who brought the alcohol doesn't have a good home life. His father is a mean bully who has, in the past, hit him as discipline. I'm completely torn on what to do. I was originally going to drive him home at the earliest reasonable time and tell his parents exactly what he had done and let them deal with him, which is exactly what I would advise someone else to do. My son will certainly be facing consequences for taking part, even though both him and the other kids say they didn't know the boy was bringing alcohol. But I don't want him to get a beating either. I'm now sitting here, called in carers leave to work, still monitoring a snoring drunk teenager, wondering what the fuck I should do. What would you do? Please don't pile on hate. I trusted them implicitly.

Even earlier in the night, I went downstairs to pick up their empty soft drink cans etc, and moved a bag aside. It clunked like it had glass in it, and felt heavy. I came upstairs and said to my husband about it. He said "just ask him!?" I said that I didn't want to be rude and seem mistrustful, so he wandered down and moved the bag, and said "who's is this?" The boy said mine, and DH said what you got in it mate? The boy said it's just glass bottles of water, do you want me to show you? DH said "no, mate, don't be silly I trust you" Sad

I feel so stupid now, and still don't know what to do. WWYD?

OP posts:
Isnappedandsharted · 31/12/2019 20:58

With what you have said about his dad, no I wouldn't say anything. I would make it clear like you have done, that they have shattered my trust and unfortunately there is no trust there and they wont be invited again.

Dont worry, kids will be kids!

Xxx

justthecat · 31/12/2019 21:00

I’d let him know he’d been a idiot when he comes round but if his home life is bad I wouldn’t tell his parents, it’s not like they’re going to use the info to try and educate him to make better choices, more like use it against him

Boulshired · 31/12/2019 21:02

If I thought the parents would discuss the importance of drinking too much with no tolerance then I would tell. I do not think I could if I believed he would get a beating. His embarrassment tomorrow will probably be a better lesson for him.

Neighneigh · 31/12/2019 21:06

I don't think I'd tell his parents. I'd make him thank the girl who came to get you, though.

kissmelittleass · 31/12/2019 21:08

In this situation I would feel absolutely terrible if I told the boys parents and he got a beating so no I wouldn't tell them for this reason.
No one knows what goes on behind closed doors and how bad this boys home life really is.
By the way I think you acted very responsibly especially as a paramedic he couldn't of been in better hands so well done you and I would of done the exact same thing in your position.

2020BetterBeBetter · 31/12/2019 21:10

I think you did the right thing and I would tell him and your son off in the morning but leave it at that.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 31/12/2019 21:13

Is the dad just super strict or actually abusive? What’s his mum like?

I probably wouldn’t tell but then equally as a parent I would want to know and would be furious if I later found out a parent hadn’t told me... but then again I don’t beat my child...

Elieza · 31/12/2019 21:17

He may never drink again after that experience! You may have done him a favour! Defo read the riot act to both boys and say nothing to the parents, unless one of the partying children may say something to the dodgy parents and it cones back to them? It’s unlikely but I’m just mentioning in case it’s a slim possibility.

Cuddling57 · 31/12/2019 21:18

Difficult one. I'd prob go with not telling them but avoiding them for a while after too!
Would they pick up on the hangover signs the next day though?
He's lucky you were there op.
What obs do you look out for to know they are ok?

HelpPleaseNoHateNeeded · 31/12/2019 21:28

Thank you, I really appreciate all your replies. I'm leaning towards not telling them. I'm just worried that if he doesn't face consequences for it then he'll just do it again and there might not be anyone there who can help him if he's in real trouble. I'm really hoping the experience might have put him off for quite some time though.

I think his father has been actually abusive. I'm not sure if it's only been once or twice but I know he has properly hit him, as my son confided in me but said that it had been "dealt with".

I don't want to give specific clinical advice online as it's not ethical, but in general, respiratory rate is important because alcohol will depress the respiratory system which can cause respiratory arrest, coma and cardiac arrest. Also oxygen saturation, to ensure the breathing is effective. Then bp and pr in normal range.

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 31/12/2019 21:40

I suppose the only thing is that one of the other kids could tell their parents and it could get back to his parents that way. I don't think it would be fair to tell them to keep it a secret. Hard to know what to do. If the mother was any way reasonable I'd tell her and let her keep it from the dad if she wanted. At least she could have words with her son then.

Louise91417 · 31/12/2019 21:47

I wouldnt be telling his parents. If dads a bully it would just be an excuse to hit him. Far better if you sat him and your son diwn and had a chat with them and dangers of getting into that state. They are teenagers, this is what they do and maybe this has put a good scare in them and might make them think twice in future.Hmm

Wynston · 31/12/2019 21:47

Thank god you were there.........!!
What a horrible situation to be in.....whats youre husbands thoughts??

DecemberSnow · 31/12/2019 21:50

They are almost 16.

Don't tell his parents, there really isn't any need

ohwheniknow · 31/12/2019 21:51

He might be drinking because of the abuse he's suffered/suffering at home.

Either way I wouldn't be passing on information that might be used as an excuse to assault him.

Rachelfromfriends1 · 31/12/2019 21:58

Well he certainly picked the right household, with you there to look after him!

I wouldn’t tell his parents either. Abusive people are unlikely to be reasonable so he won’t be dealing with a normal parental reaction, I wouldn’t want him to get hurt over this.

NoncePieforSanta · 31/12/2019 21:58

Gosh, that's a tough one - thank goodness you are a medical professional at least.

I think I would let him come to, and then do my best to scare the living shit out of him over what the consequences could have been, especially if the others had been too scared to seek your help - so not a bollocking as such, but more an attempt to terrify him (through fear of his own death) into not being so reckless again.

Ordinarily, I agree that his parents should know, but in this instance, if it's likely to lead to him being physically assaulted, then I honestly don't think that I would. His parents might be the type to shrug it off, but I don't think I'd be up for risking that. Poor you, OP, and poor young lad too Sad

YeOldeTrout · 31/12/2019 22:16

Don't tell the parents, they won't improve things.
(When sober) I would try to have a long chat with the lad about how he owes you BIG Time. He can come help wash your car or some other household chores to make amends (for missing work & having to sort out his vomit).

Teach him you can forgive & he can make amends. That people screw up but they can move on & still be friends. Be the role model he doesn't have at home.

Lunafortheloveogod · 31/12/2019 22:26

Honestly I’d read him the riot act myself and explain why it’s so dangerous to get into those states. He’s nearly 16 he’s old enough to understand that he’s lucky you’re medically trained and they weren’t camping out somewhere or with a parent who they couldn’t/didn’t feel ok waking. If I was worried about abuse I likely wouldn’t mention it this time..

Pop his clothes in the wash in the morning, if his dads half the arsehole you’ve heard about he’d never hear the end of wetting/puking on himself and that’d humiliate any one never mind a vulnerable teen.

SisyphusHadItEasy · 31/12/2019 23:52

My big issue with all this is that if you know the young man is being abused, and you are a paramedic, you are bound by both duty and law to report the abuse - the word of a 15-year old that it has been "dealt with" is woefully inadequate.

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