He’s always so busy!!

[getoffthebaubles]

I met a fantastic man in May who I think the world of. I trust him and know that he feels strongly about me too. My worry is that he has so little time available for us to do normal relationship things like go out for a meal, go for a walk. He has a busy job, two children three nights a week and is studying too. I always feel as if I’m being slotted in and have to fit in with his existing commitments. He would see me more if he could, he literally just doesn’t have the time.

When we’re together it’s great, we get on so well. But in between I feel so cut off from him. Our children haven’t met each other yet, he has met my children who are late teens and at university. He makes excuses when I ask about meeting his kids but wants a future with me. He has been hurt in the past and is wary of his children getting involved too early.

I keep making comparisons with the relationships of friends that have moved far more quickly. I know he cares for me deeply and vice versa but I’m feeling so lonely in this relationship right now. Just not sure what to do to change it, we’ve talked about it already and it changed for a while then slipped back.

So how often do you see him and what do you do together?

How sure are you that he's single? How often have you been to his house? Have you met any of his friends or family?

Definitely single but no, I haven’t met anyone and he hasn’t met my family. I feel in limbo with it because I feel like the only one trying to move things on. Usually see him twice a week, sometimes a bit more and sometimes less which I hate.

It sounds as though he's not as sure as you are. I think you'll either have to be patient or move on. These things can't be forced.

Tbf twice a week is fine for a fairly new relationship. I thought you were going to say twice a month.

The thing is he was the one who was sure very early on and wanted the relationship label, I held it back a little til I knew him properly. If he could see me more, he would do. The times I don’t see him it’s because he genuinely has no time to do so. I don’t want to break up, but I want more long term.

Twice a week, would be more than enough for me, after only 7 months. I hate clingy people and would be suspicious of what they did, before we met if I was in that situation

I think twice a week is fine. You are adults with lives beyond one another- that’s healthy.
He won’t be studying forever so things will settle down.

I suspect that your attachment styles are such that even if he had fewer commitments you would still want to see him more often than he wants to see you.

Once he's happy to introduce you to his children and when he stops studying there will be scope to see each other more.

How often would you want to see him to make it feel like a relationship? Twice a week is perfectly fine.

Twice a week is reasonable.

If you want more, are you prepared to go to his while he studies, and sit & read or cook or do your nails? Is the problem that you want to be with him or you want his attention? Do you expect to be out somewhere?

Thank you for helping put it in perspective. Yes , I think once children are involved it will be much easier to do everyday things together. I do have an anxious attachment style and need to put my efforts into myself I think. Find new things to do, a new hobby etc instead of feeling lonely.

When will he finish studying?

From what you've said he sounds like a good egg to me - sees his kids a reasonable amount, grafts, trying to improve things further. With everything that he's got on, making time to see you twice a week must leave him with zero chill time to himself, so I think he probably likes you a lot too.

I think if he's going to have more free time when he completes his studies and that isn't so far away that you'd rather break up than hang in there, then hang in there. Seeing someone once/twice a week isn't nothing. If you're finding yourself too much on your own in the evenings then maybe 2020 is the year to learn a new language or dance or something, be a bit more independent.

Not having met his kids after 7 months is not a bad thing, imo.

If he’s at his house and not working, he has his children there. He tends to spend free time here.

Thank you , yes he is a good bloke which is why I need to look at the bigger long term picture and give things a chance to progress.