To think DH suffers with anxiety and needs help?

[Earlgrey19]

I was away with my son who has nut allergy, staying with friends and they gave us macaroni cheese, which I never thought would have nuts in, but they’d grated a bit of cashew in. These friends know he has nut allergy but I hadn’t reminded them - my bad), DS has never had anaphylaxis but has had a mild allergic reaction to nuts, which he did. I had antihistamine on hand and he recovered quickly and was clearly fine. I kept a close on him but he was feeling very well the rest of the eve. I told DH on the phone . DH is very anxious about the children and I find that he is somewhat hypervigilant and obsessional (eg if I take their temperature when they’re poorly he will watch me do it then walk across the room to do it three times himself because he has to check and keep checking). Well, DH rang me several times throughout the evening with info about anaphylaxis (I know the info anyway), then he called me in the middle of the night to wake me up and make me go and check on DS). I found the calling in the night thing symptomatic of DH’s anxiety, and wish he would seek some support with it. But DH absolutely denies anxiety and always says this is the reasonable thing to do. AIBU?

OK, I am not sure as nut allergies are serious and he was right to be concerned. I think if it was constant checking of something such as the cooker being turned off, when it already was, that would be different.

I guess I mean it sounds a reasonable worry. But then I am quite anxious also. Also he needs to seek help himself, you can't do that for him. As an aside he might find a self help book on CBT helpful. I got a little book called No more panic recently which was also helpful.

I don’t think based just on him being worried about an allergic reaction you can diagnose anxiety, especially if he isn’t there then worrying is understandable

You sound quite lax when it comes to your son’s nut allergy. I can see why he’d be anxious.

If it was just this occasion then I'd say YABU but:

' is very anxious about the children and I find that he is somewhat hypervigilant and obsessional (eg if I take their temperature when they’re poorly he will watch me do it then walk across the room to do it three times himself because he has to check and keep checking'

This suggests there is something deeper going on so I think YANBU on balance.

I also think it's a bit odd to say OP is lax about the allergy. She had antihistamines with her to give so was prepared, he's presumably had reactions before and OP knows how to deal with them, her son was back to normal after the antihistamines and fine for the rest of the evening... Not sure where the laxness is coming from. What else should she have done?

You do realize that “ DS has never had anaphylaxis but has had a mild allergic reaction to nuts” scenario may one day suddenly progress into full blown anaphylaxis without any prior warning?
Your DH’s worrying is completely understandable

This is the NHS advice for mild/moderate allergies, including nuts:

'Mild/moderate symptoms

1. The child/young person should be watched carefully and

given some oral antihistamine such as chlorphenamine (Piriton) or cetirizine (Piriteze or Zirtek), depending on the age of the child. Cetirizine is recommended for children over 1 year old, as it is a non-sedating antihistamine, which is longer acting and does not usually cause drowsiness. These antihistamines can be in syrup or tablet form. If your child can easily swallow tablets then it may be good to swap to these, as they are easier to carry.

1. It is important to stay with the child and continue to monitor

the allergic reaction to make sure it is getting better, not worse.

What didn't OP do here? What is she being lax about?

Yanbu.
I'd be secretly livid with the friends though, who puts cashew in mac n cheese FFS.

Yes, exactly, I followed his allergy action plan. I could have checked with my friends if the macaroni cheese had nuts: I just really didn’t expect that! They said they’d done a child friendly one with peas for him, so I didn’t imagine it would contain nuts! I watched DH closely for 5 hours after his exposure, until I went to bed, and he was absolutely fine. I guess it was hard for DH not being there and perhaps it was not excessive anxiety on his part, but just that I feel a bit worn down by his checking etc in other contexts.

Watched DS, I mean!