AIBU- To be unable to cope with yet another problem?

[Mogs43]

My father is terminally ill- has been in hospital since December (unfortunately one of a number of admissions this year) and is in a lot of pain. I'm an only child of divorced parents so its been a lot of long lonely and very upsetting nights. Over Christmas my Grandma (Mums Mum) died. I'm sorry for my Mum but if I'm being honest my Grandmother wasn't the kindest, nicest or most generous of people. She said and did some pretty horrid things over the years - blamed me being born for my Mum not living the life she felt she should have, used to hit me, threw a china dish at me etc. I came to terms with it all years ago - visited her on her 80th birthday and then havent seen her again (would phone and send cards/presents but nothing else). Whilst I think I am keen to be supportive of my Mum (with whom I have an okayish relationship) I am finding it difficult. My Mum wants to talk through what she should be dressed in, music to be played, reminisce etc To be honest it is all getting a bit much especially as my father is so ill (Im with him in hospital for hours every day on my own - he's not breathing very well , doesn't know who I am and is in a lot of pain). My Mum knows all about the issues I have had with her Mum and does have others (such as her brother and boyfriend) she could turn to but she doesn't. I'm starting to find it all too much. I've tried to speak to her about it but she just keeps on. I'm afraid its going to turn into a row soon but I just dont know what to do - any suggestions?

Your parents are divorced/separated?

If not it's displacement activity? As she is struggling with her partner dying?

Thank you for responding. They are divorced- over thirty years ago.

I think you should tell your mum that you would love to spend more time discussing the arrangements with her, but your dad is very ill in hospital, and you neither have the time or the right words to say to her. Tell her that her relationship with her mother is or rather was as special to her as yours is to you, and you don't think anyone else would know exactly what to do.

I think that's the gentle way of telling her that you are finding it too much without starting a row.

I'm sorry you're in this position.

Oh dear, poor you. I think you're right that you're going to have to say something.

You're both about to find yourself in the same boat - losing a parent

What a horrible time you are having OP. I am sorry you are going through this.

I think you need to say something to her. In her grieve, she may not taking any hints.
Tell her 'Mum, I am know what you are going through, I am also about to loose a parent. Dad is dying and I want to spend all the time I have left with him. I need to be with hm, so I can't support you the way I would have wanted to' Say the same to her boyfriend, so he help and support her and her brother who has also lost a parent and could be a source of comfort for her.