Friend keeps buying present even though I have not reciprocated in years as we do not exchange presents!

10 replies

JaneDarcy · 30/12/2019 23:21

I've edited this as it was turning into a long and boring saga. I hope I've improved it a bit I have a friend I haven't seen properly in a few years.
We used to get each other presents at Christmas. one year I said that I'd prefer not to, I've too many people to buy for etc. All good I thought, until she handed me a present. Empty handed for her I said "I thought we weren't getting presents" and she sadly said "oh....".
Next year I figured we obviously were not getting presents as the previous year had been embarrassing/upsetting (possibly). Wrong. She got me a present. The next year I had a baby and she got a baby present around Christmas time for me which was fine. I had still taken a step back from the friendship for various reasons known to me so we were not in major contact. The next year .... She apologized for what she thought she had done to upset meand.. gave me a Christmas present. Aaarrrrhhhhh. This year we did not have time to meet. She sent the present she got me via a third party. I have sent her nothing because we don't do presents !!
Maybe IABU

So YABU : ffs just buy her a bloody present
YANBU: she's ignoring boundaries and there's no need to fuel the present giving after so long at trying to stamp it out

OP posts:

Cherrysoup · 30/12/2019 23:23

Message her, thank her for the present then remind her that you decided no presents, you feel bad, could she please try to remember next year that you’re no longer doing presents, you have lots of family to buy for? (Maybe that last bit is madly harsh!)

PurpleDaisies · 30/12/2019 23:24

You don’t need to buy her a present. Maybe she’s buying you a present because she likes you, rather than expecting anything back?

thistimelastweek · 30/12/2019 23:26

Just say thank you very much.

LadyLightning · 30/12/2019 23:42

If she wants to give you a present, why not let her? Maybe she enjoys picking out a present for you, and obviously doesnt mind she hasnt had one for you.

dudsville · 30/12/2019 23:43

OP, I'm interested as I'm not in a completely dissimilar situation and don't know how to handle it kindly. You mentioned you've stepped back from the friendship, didn't see her at all this year? I've stepped back from a friendship, been trying for over a year, maybe two, only saw her for an hour back in the start of the year. I even sought advice on mn as there isn't a straightforward way to do this, unlike ending an intimate relationship. In the end I did try to explain that things had changed for me and I couldn't offer her the friendship she sought from me. And then my person brought a Christmas present to me at my work, leaving a message asking when we could meet up! It was painful but I didn't offer my thanks straight away, thinking I'd wait a week, but she got in touch! I'm considering resigning myself to having to leave her hanging and to just feel shit about it. Would love to know if there's a better way to manage without hurting a perfectly nice person I just do not have time for.

Babybel90 · 30/12/2019 23:50

I hate buying presents so I certainly wouldn’t be buying one for someone I didn’t want to.

I’d just message and say thanks for the present but remember you agreed not to exchange gifts anymore and now with the baby you can’t afford to do presents for anyone but close family any more so please don’t send one next year - but a bit nicer than that!

Khione · 30/12/2019 23:52

Luckily with my friend it is only cards and I REFUSE to feel guilty. I last bought Christmas cards about 10 years ago. She and everyone else was told. I make a charity donation in lieu. (Combined laziness, cost of postage and environmental concerns). I'm finally down to about 6 cards received this year and that's great.

One friend continues to buy an individual card rather than send one from a box. I say thank you each year and remind her I don't do cards. In the past I bought her a box of cards in the post Christmas sale and gave them to her; telling her It was my response to her card. Made no difference. So I now just thank her and remind her that I will not reciprocate.

Original poster

JaneDarcy · 30/12/2019 23:54

Thanks for your various comments. I tried the buying for family reasons already. She doesn't have much family so I think that's why she buys me a present. I would like to think she buys because she enjoys the giving rather than receiving (!) But I feel there's an obligation on me that I do not want. And the forcing of that obligation on me is irritating and to be honest , makes me feel guilty. It's a complicated friendship

Dudsville , you're right. It is very hard to end a friendship, and because it doesn't usually happen, it's even harder to do. I think it's probably 'kinder' to phase someone out rather than say "I just don't want to be your friend any more because xyz" Though you sound like you have been brave and tried to explain that you can't offer what the other person is looking for v

OP posts:

ThighThighOfthigh · 30/12/2019 23:55

dudsville snap! I read somewhere that if you are friends with someone for 7 years you will be friends with them for life. I've resigned myself to it and decided to feel more enthusiastic.

dudsville · 31/12/2019 00:02

Oh no thigh!

Flip