Please help! Ex partner advice

[Evelyn5518]

Hi! Sorry in advance for the long rant that’s coming..

So September 2018 when my daughter was 4 months old me and her dad split, he did absolutely nothing for dd so I gave him the ultimatum of step up or leave,
he refused to change, I packed his bags and kicked him out
Up until feb 2019 we had a great co parenting relationship despite what had happened,
and then he got in a relationship with his younger sisters best friend for the entire year (2019) I’ve had nothing but abuse from his partner who I deem as toxic, she’s caused bruises to my dd face (all been reported , nothing came of it but social services got involved did a review to check dd came to my home and closed the case instantly! they spoke to her nursery who said she’s always on time, clean, happy and ahead in her development they then came to meet dd and told me I was doing an amazing job!!)

my ex and this girl have broken up countless times over this year and keep getting back together because his sister keeps apparently forcing him to be with her friend..

He pays no maintenance, we’ve been to court for a liability order with csa and he still won’t pay,
He never makes effort to see dd
Just goes out every weekend with this girl he’s on and off with.

So they split up in September (2019) for the 283742 time this year she told him she didn’t want him around me or dd, gave me tons of abuse, said nasty things about my daughter, wrote horrible stuff about me on social media, even got to the point of stalking me also She followed me to a gym I’m a member of and became a member to try an get a reaction from me this failed massively as I stayed well clear she then pretended I had an altercation with her in the gym and apparently I then followed her home, she reported it to the police who obvs obtained gym cctv (she obviously didn’t think of that!!) and saw nothing happened as she described and saw the time of me leaving well before it shows her exiting the gym.

honestly it’s been mental and now December (2019) they are back together because he didn’t see dd on Xmas day.. bare in mind he never asked or arranged anything when I’d asked him previously.

I’m at my whits end with this back and forth
It’s like he does it to p*ss me off! But I’ve told him to be with someone who encourages coparenting who doesn’t cause a year of absolute drama but Depending on if he’s with her or not depends on the reaction I get.
My dd is now 20 months, she’s happy and stable with me I’m a single working mum and I’m sick of me and dd being abused by my ex’s partner if you can call her that and when my ex is back with her he’s a nightmare to me aswell really abusive threatens to take dd and never bring her back, he took me to court .. well tried to take me to court to take my dd from me so his partner could be a mum to my child.
And when she’s not in the picture he’s a different bloke, he’s great with dd, he’s really in the moment with my daughter and it’s good to see because my daughter absolutely adores her dad!

And this is what’s so hard!!
I don’t want to refuse visitation but he’s on a path that I don’t want my daughter to go down!
He’s told me many of times he only gets with this girl because his head is a mess, him and her can’t provide a stable environment for dd and I’ve told him their relationship is toxic, it’s not healthy for anyone to be back and forth picking up and dropping someone and expecting a child to be in the middle of all the arguments and drama that’s going on!

Am I a bad person for wanting to limit/refuse visitation because I don’t want dd around a toxic relationship and in an unstable environment!
He’s threatened me with court yet again over custody and visitation and I know a court will grant him something but surely the can understand my side, I mean I’ve an entire years worth of proof! But this also brings me to my next thing.. this has all come at the worse time possible because an opportunity for a job transfer has come up in Australia, I want to go for it and give my child the best possible life I can but I know my ex won’t willingly let dd go and we’d end up in court anyway!
This is an opportunity of a lifetime for both me and dd, chance of a fresh start, better opportunities, a chance for me to finally breathe after the drama and be the best mum I can be and have a life where I’m not stuck in a 9-5 and have the chance to spend time with my daughter :/

Sorry for how long this is
Any advice on any of it is more than welcome!
Thank you!!

ok, you need legal advice regarding taking your daughter to Australia, however his behavior plus the lack of paying maintenance will be taken into consideration. If he did go to court, which he would have to pay for, they would be looking at what is in the best interests for the child. His current situation is not in the best interests of your daughter. I wonder if an organisation like gingerbread might be able to offer you some advice?

Go for it but get legal advice and share your experiences / legal facts with your lawyer.

Are you keeping a note or diary of all the incidents?

I don't blame you for wanting a fresh start in Australia.

Good luck

I'd definitely get yourself sorted legally. You need to be able to show that whatever you do is in the child's best interest (e.g. family available/support network).

His partner sounds absolutely batshit. I'd agree about keeping a note if all of these incidents

And welcome to Australia if that is your choice

Get legal advice you will either need his permission or a court order allowing you to move. Now probably is the least bad time if he is with this girl as she clearly wants you out of his life.

@keo8260 I’ll 100% be seeking legal advice all this now )again!) has just happened at a worse time, I think my fear is a court not allowing me to go because dd’s dad is brilliant at playing the victim even though he’s 2 children my dd and one to a previous relationship who he’s not seen for 5 years I was sucked in and believed his lies for years and now he’s done the same to me I’ve finally seen his true colours just a shame I’m the one getting the backlash, but thanks for suggesting gingerbread!

@KC225 yes I’ve not kept a diary as such but I’ve pretty much been reporting everything to the police, we’ve started down the legal route before me and my ex because he wanted custody of dd so this girl could play mum to my child which he dropped once my lawyer sent his a letter advising they’ve seen the evidence that my ex never paid maintenance, the bruises on my dd face caused by his on/off partner and of how abusive and vile both of them have been towards dd and myself so everything’s pretty much up to date with my lawyer it’s just letting them know he’s now back with her again. But thanks!

You need to allow this to go to court. You have sufficient evidence regarding his lack of care, commitment and contribution to your daughters life.
“Playing the victim” generally isn’t a thing when you get to court, they are not interested in his tales of woe, they only care about the child’s best interests.
It may be that no, you cannot go to Australia, they may well grant him some supervised regular access or more but you’re not going to lose custody of your DC. If they give him contact and he once again fails to adhere to it then that gives you even more evidence.

I don’t think you can rightfully take your child away from their parent even though he is a useless turd, but for the meantime I would definitely be limiting access to supervised visits or possibly even stop contact (doesn’t sound like he’s that bothered anyway?)

You need a good family lawyer and you need to not be scared of going to court, you can’t sort these sorts of problems out verbally between yourselves.

Good luck

Just seen you’ve got a good solicitor.
All this bullshit from ex of “ill take custody” - no he will not, he can barely turn up to spend an hour with your child and hasn’t paid anything towards her since birth! You think he’s really going to be interested in full custody??? Tell him crack on mate, when he realises it’s minimum few hundred to go to court - without a solicitor - and minimum thousands with, hell soon shut up.
No court would take a 20 month child away from a loving stable home with no safeguarding issue.

@Jokie oh god you don’t know the half of it!
She’s literally the worst human I’ve ever met.
I just don’t understand how my ex can think I’m going to allow someone he’s on and off with constantly in my child’s life and I’m going to feel happy and safe about it!

I also didn’t mention in my essay about the time both of them pretty much kidnapped dd, my ex was having a visit when we was coparenting great And he was living at his sisters, the girls obviously been at the flat during the visit so my ex kept her for 3 days until the girl had to go home so she could play mum, unfortunately I didn’t have a contact or residency order so the police couldn’t do anything but this is when the bruises happened to dd whilst she was in their care her neck and cheek had purple bruises on them
But yet I’m the bad guy for wanting to keep my little girl safe, when he’s split up with her I’ve been letting him have supervised (by myself) visits which have been going well and now she’s back on the scene after 3 months he’s back to his awful ways :/