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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

..to worry niece is being abused?

48 replies

catflapuk · 30/12/2019 21:00

Hello, I have a nearly 6yo niece and I think she is being abused by her mother, my SiL.

SiL is very shouty and often threatens violence. Over the years I have witnessed things like ' I will break you both legs', 'i will throw you off the balcony' and others. I live quite far away and am only there to visit every few months. Things came to a head for me when yesterday I got my niece dressed to go out and she cried saying 'mummy has hit me with the hair brush, she always does that'. Note: this would have been while combing her long hair as there is always drama around it.

I felt aweful and don't want to let her down. I had an abusive childhood myself and will have to work through it for the rest of my life. I'm so worried she will have the same fate I decided to text my brother -her dad- today with these examples. He seems unconcerned. Says that she doesn't get hurt physically and that 'this is how SiL's family talk'. He says that he and SiL had many discussions around it and doesn't see an issue as long as she doesn't get hurt physically.

AIBU to have said something and say something when I witness these things in the future?

OP posts:

Danni12 · 30/12/2019 21:52

Please report this asap

cakeandchampagne · 30/12/2019 22:02

Report it.

SirGawain · 30/12/2019 22:09

But I worry I won't see her again in the future if I do report.
Ask yourself which is more important. Your niece being safe or you being able to see her. No contest!

outoftheflyingpan · 30/12/2019 22:15

Is your niece afraid of SIL, does she believe the threats, is there relief at all ie times of good connection between SIL and her dd, is your niece generally unhappy at home or generally happy with times of unhappiness?

I ask because being going into care is pretty horrific for most children, many care survivors report widespread abuse and poor treatment. Do you think your niece really needs to be removed or do you think SIL's behaviour needs to change? Because if the latter the more effective way of dealing might be to challenge her directly, for you to discuss your options with NSPCC and feed that back to your SIL, and your DB and make it clear you will take it further unless they get help with their parenting. Obviously this wouldn't apply if the abuse is intentional - and so do talk to NSPCC and give them more information and details and see what they say.

Also, be aware that there may be significant differences in how other countries deal with these things, and you will need to do some research. There may also be cultural differences in terms of what is and is not acceptable parenting - things we consider abusive such as slapping is considered acceptable parenting in other cultures.

YouretheChristmasCarcass · 30/12/2019 22:15

You say they live in a different country. If they live in the US or Canada:

www.childhelp.org/hotline/

Mummy0ftwo12 · 30/12/2019 22:17

I think you should report - because you're an adult that could help her

Dieu · 30/12/2019 22:18

Poor wee thing. I am glad she has you to look out for her

GabsAlot · 30/12/2019 22:20

Depends on the country to the amount of help your niece will get-still got to try though and at least you can say you did

Interestedwoman · 30/12/2019 22:20

YANBU and you need to call social services, tell them the threats you've heard, what your niece said about being hit, and that you saw the bruise.

emmylousings · 30/12/2019 22:29

OP, please don't feel you should apologise for asking ths - you are in a difficult position and it's frightening for you too. It's not an easy thing to do but agree with everyone you should report it. Maybe take initial advide from NSPCC to reassure you about the process.

Choccylips · 30/12/2019 22:38

what a terrible position to be in. It seems that the norm in your SILs family is passed down through generations a foul mouth and short temper, it sounds awful and it is abusive and is obviously upsetting your niece that's why she confided in you. So therefore you must help her I think your SIL and brother need help too if they think this is acceptable.

Lilymossflower · 30/12/2019 22:52

Yes call social services

Write in a book everything you can think of and keep it updated

I'd you see them again then sound record secretly. You don't have to give them to the social services but if you have them then its evidence.

BlackSwan · 30/12/2019 23:01

You may be the only person your niece has to intervene here. Don't let it go.

When I was a child of about 7 I remember telling a teacher about why i was vomiting in fear into my own hands [sorry TMI] - it was because of my fear of my parents. She told me to wait while she went into the staff room. She didn't come back and help me as I had hoped.

Do not abandon your niece - it would have been hard for her to let you know how she's feeling. She has placed her trust in you, you can handle it.

Hearthside · 30/12/2019 23:06

Please report this .I would never ever speak to my DC's like that it is not normal behaviour .Years ago i heard one of my mum's neighbour screaming at her child , only around 4yrs old followed by a hitting noise with them pleading with her to stop .Did i report it absolutely on the spot , you are your niece's voice. The child was removed as it turned out the mother was known to SS and that child grew up into a teenager always in trouble not really surprising it has to have a knock on effect .

OwlBeThere · 30/12/2019 23:09

Context is everything. I joke with my kids saying things like I’m going to drop kick them out of a window or something, but it’s said in times of fun and joking and it’s abundantly clear to them it’s not serious.
I’m sure plenty here will want me strung up for it, but it’s how we talk and I’m totally secure and so are SS that we are all fine (I have adopted children).
But if you get the feeling your niece is scared then you need to report it. It’s better to be wrong then do nothing if you are right, good luck OP.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 30/12/2019 23:16

It would be ideal if you can report anonymously so that DN still has you present in her life.

How awful for the poor thing, and then to have the only adult she trusts taken away from her - who knows what else may happen to her.

I don’t entirely trust that SS will protect her as much as would be ideal - judging from a few limited experiences I am aware of of those around me.

BlackSwan · 30/12/2019 23:21

OwlBeThere - its not really funny, or smart. You really shouldn't. Even things said in jest can harm kids.

OwlBeThere · 30/12/2019 23:27

@blackswan, thank you I appreciate your comments and I’m very aware that even innocent remarks can be harmful, but I have a very open and honest relationship with my kids where they know that they can tell me if anything I’ve ever said has upset them. I grew up with a very emotionally manipulative mother and I’m painfully aware that words can hurt. But I’m secure that that is not the case with my children. our sense of humour/way we relate isn’t for everyone. But it works for us.

YappityYapYap · 30/12/2019 23:27

The only time a parent should be using the words 'broken legs or break legs' is to say don't do that or you'll break your legs. Imagine how terrified you'd be if someone told you they were going to break your legs? Think of it like in a social situation. You're sat having your dinner and you spill your drink and friend says 'don't do that again or I'll break your legs'. It's a threat. The only kind of threats that should be issued to kids are things like if you don't eat your dinner, you won't get pudding! Or if you don't get off the floor of the supermarket, you won't be getting that packet of haribo!

PoloMama · 30/12/2019 23:30

Think carefully OP. Your niece could go from the frying pan into the fire. Children in the care system are very vulnerable to horrific abuse within the actual system that is supposed to protect them. If your niece is removed from your brother and SIL’s care it will be almost impossible to get her back, even if your niece wants to return to them. I would strongly suggest talking to your brother and SIL first about your concerns. Are there other family members you could confide in who might help you?

Pixxie7 · 30/12/2019 23:49

Needs to be investigated at least.

Doubletrouble99 · 31/12/2019 11:25

Please, please don't listen to the poster who suggest care may be worse. Social services will not necessarily remove your niece permanently. In this country they would work very closely with the family and look at any ways to help the mother to improve her parenting. They would also look at the affect this has had on your niece and seek help for her too. It may be that your Sil is asked to leave not your niece.
I have a degree of experience in this as my two AD were in this situation. their BM was given loads of help before DS was temporarily removed then returned to her on several occasions. Other family members were assessed as to whither they could look after them. So my experience is that the SS in this country don't just take children away randomly they do try and help the family. Also in this country the anonymity of the person who reports is respected.

Groovinpeanut · 31/12/2019 11:31

You must report this!
Your brother is a disgrace! He's enabling her abuser.
Your neice needs removing from both of their clutches. That poor little girl

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