To think I have done nothing wrong?

[NameChaChaChanges]

I'm a serial name changer, but have been a Mumsnet user for a good while (penis beaker, cutted up pear, have you cancelled the cheque?)

I think I have pissed off my DC1's ex childminder but I don't think I have acted unreasonably. But what does Mumsnet think?

My toddler DC1 left the childminder earlier this year, in order to attend a nursery school setting. Multiple factors in this decision.
I also have a baby DC2. When DC1 left the setting, I told the childminder that we currently planned to send DC2 to her setting, provided she had spaces available when the time came (there was a large gap between DC1 leaving and DC2 needing to start). However I also made it clear we'd put DC2 onto a waiting list for a local nursery so we had two options, and under no circumstances did I expect childminder to keep a space open for us if she had other paying mindees that needed the hours in the meantime. I also indicated we would be keen to use childminder for school holiday care when DCs were eventually at school. I communicated this verbally and in writing.

Roll on a few weeks ago and we have just accepted a nursery place for DC2. Not a decision taken lightly, but mainly due to somes changes in circumstances and some factors we hadn't fully considered at the point DC1 left childminder.

Anyway, I communicated the change in our circumstances to the childminder as soon as the decision was made. I also reiterated that we'd still be very interested in future school holiday care if she had spaces when the time comes. The message also had some other details in, requiring a response.

There has been no reply to the communication for a number of weeks (it was definitely received!) which is very unlike her. So I am assuming that this decision has pissed her off. I guess she's entitled to feel that way, but did I act unreasonably? I hate the idea of upsetting anyone, but I feel I was as clear and upfront as possible when DC1 left the setting.

Only four votes but 100% in my favour!

She may be waiting for other parents decisions before getting back to you about holidays etc. She may have forgotten to reply. She may be busy over Xmas and not replying to business emails til after the holidays.

You may have annoyed her (which I very much doubt - it's business, she's a business woman and this will happen to her a lot), but why are you anxious about upsetting someone you had a business arrangement with?

I can't think of any reason why she might be annoyed?

She probably doesn't know yet if she can have the kids during the holidays.

Christmas is a busy time, she's probably forgotten all about your text.

You haven’t been unreasonable but maybe you’re just not top of the list of her priorities if you’re no longer an active customer.

I know what you mean about worrying you’re offending your CM but ultimately they’re generally focussed on the here and now. It may be that she’s currently negotiating someone else’s hours or has personal stuff going on. She might just be very non-assertive and reluctant to tell you your proposals don’t work for her or she doesn’t want to commit.

If you had other queries that need an answer I’d send her another email or maybe ring but other than that I’d not contact her again until you needed to ask about specific hours.

It could be the fact it's Xmas and she will reply in the new year?

'Cutted up pear' 🙄

I think you’re over thinking this, she’s probably just forgotten to reply as it’s Christmas or she’s prioritising replying to people who she’s booking in. Forget about it, no big deal

She’s busy and you are not her top priority. You have already made it clear that she’s not top of your priority list and she’s your back-up.

Incidentally, what is it with posters who say, “I’ve been here ages and here are my credentials to prove it”? What do you hope to achieve by it? Do you think that you’ll get more sympathetic replies? You’re better off with honest responses.

'Cutted up pear' 🙄

Why the face?

OP she probably read it and thought “whatever” tbh. Maybe she was in the middle of something and forgot to reply.

It sounds like you've pretty much said 'well, we're going to use you for X (after school care, etc) but not for Y'. This could be seen as confusing and annoying.

And it seems a bit crazy to say you're keen to use her for school holiday care for both children, when your youngest is just a baby.
I'm not sure what you would expect her to say at this early stage
I think you probably have made her feel like your back-up plan, although I'm sure this wasn't your intention.

I wouldn't necessarily see your message as something which need a reply. I'd assume you would just message closer to the school holidays if you were still needing childcare. If you'd have said 'please can you let me know if there's space to have DC for xxx dates' then I would question the lack of a reply.

Your eldest is only a toddler and you're talking about school holiday cover already?

She's probably thinking "contact me again in 2 years when you actually have something to ask/say".

TBH I'm a childminder and it can sting a bit when a family seem to like you and then ditch you for nursery. It's also not always a good feeling when someone wants to come back for holiday care as sometimes it's just like ditching someone until they're useful again. I think in your case though you actually have a little one that was set to go to the cm and they are still too young for school yet they have been put in a private nursery so I can see why the cm may be a little bit offended. Of course we usually put on a professional face and help you out still in the future but it can sting a bit.

Thanks for the replies all. I think I am probably overthinking it entirely, as that does tend to be my nature. I was worried about offending her as our plans changed, but it wasn't anything personal to her, IYSWIM? She is a great childminder and in other circumstances we would have used her again for DC2. In the past she'd indicated she was worried that a lot of her mindees were leaving around the same time, I think she was worried about numbers.

Also I think (thought?) we had more than a strictly professional relationship and were friends on some level. She was very fond of DC1 and when DC1 left we agreed to meet up so she could still see DC1. That was part of the message that required a response, as we had been discussing getting together over the Christmas period, but she didn't respond to that bit either. It wasn't the bit about school holiday care that I had expected a response to at all. I really just communicated that part to her because I wanted to be clear of our intentions going forward. DC1 will need school holiday care starting next year, so not a million years away.

Regarding cutted up pear, etc. I had literally just name changed and just thought I would mention that I'm a long time MNtter... not that this is the kind of thread where I would be accused of being a troll I suppose. Far too bland! Certainly not expecting any difference in response as a result!

I think in your case though you actually have a little one that was set to go to the cm and they are still too young for school yet they have been put in a private nursery so I can see why the cm may be a little bit offended.

See, this is my concern!
It's honestly a case of circumstances, and nothing against the childminder. I did explain the reasoning in my message to her. The logistics won't apply for school holidays, hence why we are still keen to send our children to her long term, because we value her. I'm genuinely quite sad that DC2 won't go to her setting!

I have just realised I have been calling DC1 a toddler, when preschooler would probably be more appropriate now. They grow up too quickly!

She was very fond of DC1 and when DC1 left we agreed to meet up so she could still see DC1

As much as we all love to think our child is particularly special to them, I do think a "Childminder: ah I'll really miss him, Parent: we must keep in touch or meet up some time, Childminder: hmm yeah of course" is a bog standard goodbye.

I don’t think your message did require a response. Not unless you wrote are you free for x at y time and date? Saying let’s get together before Xmas without specifying is just a non commitment. You’re feeling guilty and are upset she’s not helping to ease your guilt with a happy go lucky reply

I doubt your CM will want to take your children in school holidays only. She needs children all year round, and if she is taking other children during term time they will get priority during school holidays. I doubt she will hold two places open just for you to use in holidays, however much she likes your children. I doubt she is pissed off but you might not get the reply you are hoping for.

She's not even thinking about you! You're just another flakey client she's been polite to

I don’t think your message did require a response. Not unless you wrote are you free for x at y time and date?
Well I asked her what dates she was free to meet up over Christmas, as previously she'd indicated that she wanted to do so.

@HotPenguin she provides school holiday only care for older children, a lot of childminders do this. The ratios are different for older children so childminders can take extra children (of school age) on top of their regular preschool mindee numbers, this is very common practice. I'm not expecting her to hold a space open at all.

Thank you all for the replies. I totally accept that I'm overthinking, and she's probably not that bothered (although I'm definitely not "flakey" ). I'll get in touch once I know actual term dates for holiday care and see how she responds, that's all I can do.

I do feel a bit sad for my DC1 as she gave the impression to my child that she would see them again, she told DC1 that we could visit for playdates, etc. and DC misses her. But in hindsight I have tried a couple of times to arrange something and she's never committed, so maybe she was trying to give me the brush off all along, who knows? Although if that is the case then it is a shame as I did think we had a good relationship while my DC1 was in her care.

It was a professional relationship. Why on earth do you think a childminder wants to do free play dates with former client? She is running a business. She’s friendly and warm and you’ve mistook this for actual friendship rather than being a client.

I don’t mean to be harsh... I did the same exact thing, thinking my childminder’s kids will eventually be in the same primary as mine and they’ll be something between friends and family... Er, no. She was just super friendly but I definitely realised it was a business relationship as soon as mine went to nursery and I cut my hours to part time.

I’m a childminder and wouldn’t be doing holiday cover for you. As for her being fond of your children I’m sure she was. You say your children miss her - you should’ve kept them with her if that is the case. You made the choice to leave her service as is your right but she’s not there to stand in at holidays when it’s handy for you. We run a business and like you we need to earn money - not just for a few weeks in the holidays. If your employer told you they didn’t need you anymore but could employ you for a few weeks in the summer would you be happy - especially if they still needed someone to do the work? I think you need to look elsewhere for your holiday cover.

Why on earth do you think a childminder wants to do free play dates with former client?

Because she said she did when DC1 left? She's been doing playdates with mums/children - some clients/former clients, some not, since we started sending DC1 there. She's said before to me that she enjoys the adult company. I certainly wasn't expecting to drop DC1 off and leave.

I'm not going to repeat myself about the holiday thing again. She provides holiday care for older children who only attend during the holidays. That's just a fact. When DC1 left she told me to let her know dates required as soon as possible, as she operates this on a first-come-first-served basis.

FWIW she is used to the majority of her mindees leaving or at least significantly dropping their hours when they reach preschool age, because she doesn't offer any funded hours. So my DC1 leaving before starting reception is not an unusual occurance for her. We were up front about are schooling plans from early on, so she knew what was what.

Anyway this thread has definitely been enlightening, particularly the responses from actual childminders. Thanks again for all the input!