To ask you all to give me a headshake

[Tddnamechanger]

Name changed for this.

I should say that I am not looking for kindness but a really good headshake. I have sought counselling in the past. I dont think that I have depression.

Basically I am one huge lazy person. My husband does everything for me. He cooks and cleans while I sit on my phone. He deals with the children and runs them around everywhere.

I did suffer from depression and social anxiety for years but I got help. The problem is that I am struggling to change the habits of a lifetime. My mum is the same and this is the role model I had growing up and I am now 40.

I sit and write lists and try to clear the mental space in my head to make new changes, I follow plans for a few days that never last.

I am ashamed to say that this also extends to my personal care. I do what needs to be done to be presentable at work but this slips during time off.

I love my husband dearly and want to make him happy. He enables me and loves doing stuff for me which doesnt help at all. When we have friends over, I notice how they thank my DH for everything as no matter how I try and hide it, they know it is him that has organised all the food and drink.

We dont have any family apart from my mum and we see her a few times a year at best.

So please MN, I need a good telling off. Insight into making permenant changes would be great also.

Take on jobs permanently one at a time (eg from now on I'll clean the kitchen). Watch YouTube videos so you can get inspired and buy cleaning products you like the smell of. Start with things that aren't too gross or daunting but then work up to those too. Tbh I never change bed sheets in our house for example, that's a job I just can't bear 😂 but we share most other jobs

I am not the best person to advise you, sometimes I get in the same laziness ( I just have a routine that I can go back to, and OCD 😂 - not saying that’s the way forward 😂)

...but I love your honesty! ☺️

I would set a timer. Allow yourself say 5 mins on your phone, followed by 20 mins of looking after the DC or tidying up the house. Or whatever time ratios work for you.

Make small changes. Eg Make your bed before you leave the bedroom in the morning, remove cups, close drawers/ cupboards. Five minutes and you always have a tidy room to walk back in to. As you leave any room to go to another room pick up things that don't belong there and put them back where they belong. Before you go to bed straighten cushions on sofa, clear coffee table of debris etc so you don't walk into a mess next morning. Same for kitchen sink/counters. Washing up a few bits takes five mins. These little things help you keep in top of things and stop mess accumulating

Put your phone down and do something. For five mins. It’s the getting started that’s hard, writing lists is procrastinating it doesn’t matter what you do, just do it for five mins (shower, wash up etc). Once you are up and about it is easier to move onto another task.

Don't let yourself sit down! Come in from shopping/work and go straight into prepping dinner for example. Come downstairs in the morning, have a coffee on the run and get on with the washing on (or whatever) or have a quick think whilst making a tea "What will I achieve this morning" (e.g. clean bathroom) and then without sitting down or touching phone pick up the cleaning things and get on with it!

Let your phone battery die and just leave it somewhere, or use a Blocker App to limit your time/sites used.

Watch a Marie Kondo video and use that to de-clutter an entire section of your house and work through the rest. If you de-clutter you'll be amazed at how much easier (and rewarding) cleaning is!

Good luck for 2020!

This is one of the very reason I left dp, all the other things he did it was actually this laziness and not getting active which is why I told him to leave.
Because of respect, if your dp loves you and likes taking care of you and your doing nothing how to you think that makes him feel?
Don't fill your time with lists and plans. It will prevent you actually getting stuff done because it will look to hard/ to much.
Look around and see what needs doing, look at yourself and see what you have to do.
Last night before bed I remember I had to fill a form out, I said get it done before other things get in the way, once it was done I felt good, put some music on and get cleaning.
Put Netflix on your phone and get cleaning.
Make you and you dp dinner twice a week, make him at least one cup of tea a day.
Show him and yourself that your making an effort but DO NOT
Ask him to praise you for what you've done or brag about the task you've done, let him notice and just say I want to work on making us better.
Nothing worse than a person doing the dishes and requesting praise after you've done a hundred task that day.
Good luck OP

I think you could try something completely counter-intuitive.

Start your day by lying in bed for 10 minutes after you have woken up with your eyes closed focused only on your breathing. The aim is to have nothing in your mind except for focusing on the present moment. Have a word to help refocus you like 'love' or 'calm'.

When thoughts come in (because its a when not an if) let them come in and float out like a cloud.

Practice being non-judgemental of your thoughts and this will translate to greater acceptance of yourself.

People are very afraid of self acceptance because they think it will lead to more of what they don't want. But the opporsite is true. While you are living in a state of resistence you are stuck.

Self acceptance allows you to surrender and then get up and take action from a place of rest and love.

Love is the only thing that will change you.

Start with 10 minutes every day in silence. Let this be your daily
discipline for at least a week.

Then each week add the following to your morning routine:
10 minutes silence
Something you are grateful for
A short walk before breakfast/exercise like a 10 minute stretch (follow along on youtube)
Breakfast

I found it really helped me be more productive In the morning by charging my phone downstairs overnight. So I leave it in the kitchen so then when I get up I don't have that instant distraction and can do easy jobs like making the bed/getting washed and dressed and collecting any mugs glasses or washing to bring downstairs with me!

What did the Counselor think was the issue?

Give your husband your phone and the tv remotes so there is literally nothing else to do but get moving.
Go for a walk, even if it’s 15 mins, get some air, decide what to do when you get home.
20 mins bathroom / put a nice lunch together for
The two of you / deep condition your head and moisturise - anything which keeps you off the sofa and off your phone.

If you don’t believe this is depression and there’s only “laziness” to blame then you are totally responsible for making the changes and showing your partner how much you appreciate him and all that he does.

It’s a bit of a Cycle unfortunately and until you make a decision to break it then it’ll just continue and it may well conclude with him falling out of love with you due to resentment

My counseller recommend using ACE to improve my life/outlook/mood etc.

Each day/week plan something that is -
Achievement - ie clean the bathroom
Connecting - ie playing games with the children
Enjoyable - ie walk with your husband
Making sure you do all three helps balance your life. Give it a try, even better discuss with your husband so that he knows you are trying (but don't make him responsible for any of it). Good luck.