I was with a horribly abusive man for 4 years. We had a child together. His abuse ramped up. He got angry over minor things. Punched the walls. Scared me. Wouldn't let me pick up our son to comfort him after he was born. Harassed me in to having sex with him. Got angry at our son when he would cry (he was only 2 months old) and would lose his temper. I have 10 A4 pages of bullet points of abusive and neglectful behaviours towards me and his son. With the help of womens aid, I fled the relationship and moved away (150+ miles away).
I went in to appeasement/scared mode and facilitated contact between them for a month or so. I was living with friends who witnessed him becoming angry when I didn't do as he said, or respond to a text straight away. They advised I stopped contact. I got professional advice and they also advised ceasing contact (health visitor, social services, police).
He hasn't seen our son since march last year. I got a restraining order which was granted by the courts. He's now taking me to court for access to our 15 month old son. CAFCASS have only advised indirect contact until a decision is made. We are back in court soon.
I won't ever admit this out loud, but I know he is better off without his dad in his life. It's awful when kids don't see one parent because their parents cant put their differences aside, but this is different. He's not safe with his dad. Physically or emotionally.
How will I cope if the courts give him access and I cannot protect him? I'm in court again in January and absolutely terrified. Is anyone up and willing to keep me company? Can't sleep due to worry and anxiety.