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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What if they grant him access?

19 replies

keysonthehighshelf · 30/12/2019 01:42

I was with a horribly abusive man for 4 years. We had a child together. His abuse ramped up. He got angry over minor things. Punched the walls. Scared me. Wouldn't let me pick up our son to comfort him after he was born. Harassed me in to having sex with him. Got angry at our son when he would cry (he was only 2 months old) and would lose his temper. I have 10 A4 pages of bullet points of abusive and neglectful behaviours towards me and his son. With the help of womens aid, I fled the relationship and moved away (150+ miles away).

I went in to appeasement/scared mode and facilitated contact between them for a month or so. I was living with friends who witnessed him becoming angry when I didn't do as he said, or respond to a text straight away. They advised I stopped contact. I got professional advice and they also advised ceasing contact (health visitor, social services, police).

He hasn't seen our son since march last year. I got a restraining order which was granted by the courts. He's now taking me to court for access to our 15 month old son. CAFCASS have only advised indirect contact until a decision is made. We are back in court soon.

I won't ever admit this out loud, but I know he is better off without his dad in his life. It's awful when kids don't see one parent because their parents cant put their differences aside, but this is different. He's not safe with his dad. Physically or emotionally.

How will I cope if the courts give him access and I cannot protect him? I'm in court again in January and absolutely terrified. Is anyone up and willing to keep me company? Can't sleep due to worry and anxiety.

OP posts:
keysonthehighshelf · 30/12/2019 01:56

I guess 2am probably the worst time to post

OP posts:
LoveNote · 30/12/2019 02:03

Hey I would play the game

I’ve been there. It will be supervised in a contact centre in your town. He will be required to travel, make every contact appointment and for his behaviour to be 100%

Most abusive men can’t keep this up and contact breaks down.....courts don’t like a child messed around so he’s likely to fall at the first hurdle

keysonthehighshelf · 30/12/2019 02:06

@lovenote I have been advised to argue for zero contact or indirect until he has completed a domestic abuse perpetrator programme but am so scared he will get access. He's not a nice bloke. He is not safe

OP posts:
keysonthehighshelf · 30/12/2019 12:27

Bumping now it's a normal time of day...

OP posts:
NeverTwerkNaked · 30/12/2019 12:36

I know that fear.

How old is your son now?

NeverTwerkNaked · 30/12/2019 12:37

Oh sorry just read he is 15 months so tiny still Sad

Forallyouknow · 30/12/2019 12:40

Get legal advice and representation. Good legal advice. The courts have a duty to take allegations of DA seriously. Perpetrator programmes only accept people who accept they have behaved that way - the court may need to make findings (fact finding) to progress matters from their point of view as it may be your word against his otherwise.

Theloftmonster · 30/12/2019 12:54

My experience was the same as lovenote. Play the game, go along with the supervised access. Exh couldn't keep the mask of loving father in place for long. The tipping point was when he didn't turn up for contact so he could go on a talk show about father's not getting contact with their children. He didn't get any contact at all awarded to him.

Theloftmonster · 30/12/2019 12:55

*Fathers Blush

Shayisgreat · 30/12/2019 13:00

Yep, agree with pp. Say that you are happy to facilitate indirect contact until he has completed a perpetrator programme, then allow supervised contact. If he's as awful as you suggest then he's unlikely to get through all of that. Then you can argue that he is not able to prioritise your child.

It's just really important that you allow him to succeed or fail and not cause him to succeed or fail.

Shayisgreat · 30/12/2019 13:01

@Theloftmonster the irony!

keysonthehighshelf · 30/12/2019 13:32

I won't be suggesting a contact centre. My suggestion is going to remain as indirect (letters). I wish it was that easy to get legal representation. I don't get legal aid as am just over the threshold as I pay minimal rent (to my dad). But still only have 80/90 pounds left at the end of the month. That's not enough to pay the legal fees. It costs thousands. I just don't have it and don't have the money to make loan repayments. I'm just terrified. He's so manipulative I'm so scared he will manipulate his way through the system.

OP posts:
NeverTwerkNaked · 30/12/2019 13:49

Try Coram they have legal advice helplines which might help

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 30/12/2019 13:53

Go and see a specialist legal aid family lawyer in your area.

The fact you have been the subject of domestic abuse means you should qualify for legal aid.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 30/12/2019 13:54

Sorry. Just seen your post about legal aid.

Forallyouknow · 30/12/2019 14:03

Ah sorry assumed you would be eligible due to circumstances- fwiw you should keep your circumstances under review if things change you can apply at any point in proceedings which may take a while to conclude. Direct access barristers for hearings may be useful if you can afford it - some out of London are more “affordable” than in London- although I appreciate £300/400 is a lot still it’s a good idea to check with local specialist chambers their fees and start saving in case you need someone for the final hearing if it gets to that point.

Agree Coram website is very helpful. Do not be tempted to pay for a Mckenzie friend - you might as well get a lawyer or do it yourself.

You may also be able to agree monthly payments with a firm. Try making some calls it can’t hurt to ask.

MumW · 30/12/2019 14:11

Can your 'rent' go up so as to being you under the threshold?

MumW · 30/12/2019 14:12

Bring not being. Grrrr

Forallyouknow · 30/12/2019 14:16

Also did you apply for legal aid or just do a Calculation? It might worth getting a application actually submitted rather than just calculating it.

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