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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel dissatisfied? When did you realise a relationship was going nowhere?

20 replies

Cfmcg · 29/12/2019 17:45

For background my partner of four years and his sister are very close (they lost their parents young so were very much “all each other had”). The respect and care he has for her is one of the many reasons I adore him, but I’m now starting to feel as if they’re a couple and I’m a mutual friend.

I was with my ex for four years, lived together from early on, engaged. I’m current partner’s first real long term relationship. We are in our late 20s, and she in her mid-20s. She was difficult towards meto begin with as she didn’t like anyone getting close to him, but I worked hard and we get on brilliantly now.

Partner and his sister live together, and there are no plans on this changing (apparently) until she finishes her PHD and finds a job in her field god knows when. I would understand this if it was a money issue but it isn’t. They’ve currently decided to renovate their flat and he's excitedly telling me all the plans they have together to do up their home, like every other couple I know!

We haven’t done one Christmas meal together as he won’t leave her “with other family herself“. She doesn’t get on with them that well, doesn’t have many friends (most of her friends are in fact his friends) and has never had a partner of her own. He wakes up and does breakfast with her and other family, then lunch with them, then spends all night with them. I get to see him a bit at night but only if she’s with specific family she likes.

If there’s a family event on his side we don’t buy them a present from the two of us. He and his sister buy a present from them both, and I can either turn up empty handed or bring one from myself to give to one of their family members I barley know and I’m only going as invited as his partner.

He gives her money to do his Christmas shopping, which transpired this year to include my gifts...

I appreciate these are all wonderfully minor issues - too much free time to think over Xmas Wink - but added up (and compared to previous relationships) I can’t help feeling massively dissatisfied about it all and they’re a bit codependent at this age. Compared to other relationships this is by far the happiest I’ve been (outside these issues) I truly can’t fault anything else. But I can’t shake wanting a bit more I feel we’re worlds apart right now.

So, AIBU to feel dissatisfied? Based on past relationships, when did you realise things had simply ran their course and two folk are just best to move on amicably without each other?

OP posts:
BuddhaAtSea · 29/12/2019 18:01

I am really close to my brother. We come from a large family, but yes, we put each other before anybody else and after my DD. We share massive family traumas.
As we grew older (both mid 40s now), we still talk every week, we know everything about each other.
He has had a few wives/partners, I had a H, several relationships. If they found the dynamics weird, nobody ever tried to say anything.
The unspoken rule is: one calls, the other one drops everything.
Otherwise, we think we’re pretty normal.

When we were young, we did everything together, had the same circle of friends, lived together. As we grew older, we changed a bit. He got married and moved out first. Nothing weird about that.

EagleVisionSquirrelWork · 29/12/2019 18:30

This sounds a bit like those claustrophobic DH and MIL relationships that there seem to be so many of (at least on MN) - except that it will be a lot harder for you to point out that it's all a bit unhealthy without seeming like a total bitch. But YANBU. It doesn't seem as though he's really giving his relationship with you space to thrive - and he doesn't even seem aware of any problem or potential problem. Maybe someone else wouldn't have difficulty with this set-up, but given that you do, I think you may be on a hiding to nothing if you expect things to change. I suspect the only thing that will shift this dynamic is if little sister gets swept off her feet by a partner of her own. Only you know if it's worth waiting til then.

MuchBetterNow · 29/12/2019 18:33

I'd bail out now, you're always going to be second best.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 29/12/2019 18:36

It does sound a bit much to me

mbosnz · 29/12/2019 18:37

Doesn't sound like there's much room for you there, nor that it's likely to change. . .

Minky35 · 29/12/2019 18:39

It’s far too much, too close, and I think you’ll always be second best. I’d consider if I wanted to continue if I was you.

VapingHot · 29/12/2019 19:05

R U N 🏃‍♀️

ElloBrian · 29/12/2019 19:11

Ultimately, what it comes down to is that he is not committing to you and does not appear to be in a position to be able to. That’s not a small thing - it’s massive, particularly if you would like children at some point. I would move on, if I were you.

EssentialHummus · 29/12/2019 19:13

How long have you been together?

I don’t think I’d stay in a relationship like that; it sounds like the sister depends on him quite heavily and he (rightly or not) enables that.

daisychain01 · 29/12/2019 19:15

Leave them to it. Sounds like there are three people in your relationship and you'll always be number 3.

Andahelterskelterroundmylittle · 29/12/2019 19:18

Walk away . This is never going to change and any light pressure from you will undoubtedly cast you as the bad guy. A no win situation OP. Sorry but you'll not regret it looking back

Sparklesocks · 29/12/2019 19:18

Personally I think I’d find it a bit suffocating - and I’d be put off that you’ve been together 4 years and there are no plans to move forward by living together etc. It would be different if perhaps she needed additional care or support but it doesn’t sound like thats the case. But ultimately only you can decide if the good bits of your partnership outweigh the trickier bits.

Merryoldgoat · 29/12/2019 19:22

Four years? This relationship hasn’t got legs. End it now - he’ll always put you second.

Tweedlady · 29/12/2019 19:28

Not quite the same level, but my SIL used to be like this with DH (they lived together with parents in family home until I moved in with DH- she is still living with parents now)....it used to (and still does) really annoy me, if we were out with a group she would talk about DH as if he was her partner, they have a lot of the same friends etc.

No easy answer but totally can understand your struggle and how it will make you feel- an honest conversation and setting of boundaries might be needed?

goodwinter · 29/12/2019 19:31

Do you want to live with him? Have you spoken about it?

needanewnamechange · 29/12/2019 19:44

It does sound a bit odd Hmm but I'm not close to my siblings. It does sound like it bothers you a bit though .
I'd be honest and say I mean 4 years is quite a long time and to not even have a conversation about moving in yet , not spending Christmas together. Would you ever marry him ? If the answer is no that that's your answer call it a day .

AtrociousCircumstance · 29/12/2019 19:50

Omg get out. This will never change.

Excited101 · 29/12/2019 19:50

Have you talked about moving in together? Where you both see your future together etc? What does he say when you suggest ‘going in’ on presents with him and his sister?

ltk · 29/12/2019 19:55

It's never unreasonable to feel dissatisfied with a relationship: it's how you feel. YWBU to minimise and ignore your instincts and lumber on with this.

Ponoka7 · 29/12/2019 20:52

This isn't healthy and it isn't going to change.

Don't waste your late 20's/early 30's waiting for this man to commit to you. It won't happen and you will be in your mid 30's before you realise.

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