4 year old keeps attacking me

[Scousebird26]

Hi,
I was wondering if anyone could help me as I am feeling really desperate. I’m posting on here for traffic really as I just don’t know what else to do.
I have a four year old little boy, who usually is an ok behaved little boy. He is doing great at nursery, and is well mannered and caring. I’m not saying he’s a perfect child coz he’s far from it, but these past few weeks it’s like he’s a completely different little boy.
He’s keep attacking me, my hands and arms are all marked and scratched, he pulls my hair, bites me. You name it he does it. He screams in my face, has stopped listening to everything I tell him and has broke his toys. Usually this is just aimed at me but if he is really angry he will lash out at others in the house. My mum had him a few hours this morning and he was perfect, soon as I get him he turned into demon child.
I’ve tried the naughty step, taking toys away, ignoring him. Everything. And it’s getting to the point where I’m scared of him. And like I say all this has just happened this past month or two,he had been ill with a chest infection and I put it down to that but this side of him hasn’t left him.
I don’t know what to do to take the control back and to stop him from hurting me.
Any help would be massively appreciated. Thankyou x

Anyone please?

This is a complex problem but manageable but not briefly on MN. If you have a good relationship with your HV or GP askk for a referral to a child psychologist, not for a labelling diagnosis, but for parenting management of a challenging behaviour. There may also be some Positive Parenting Classes you can go to . They not only give you practical guidance, but also moral support from other parents. This is going to take time, patience and love. If he has got the upper hand it will also weirdly rock his security

That you feel scared of your little boy is very sad.
I wholeheartedly agree with what @NoMorePoliticsPlease has said and see your Health Visitors or GP as soon as you can.
Good luck OP.

Thankyou for replying.
I have spoke to my GP and he seemed to think it was “normal” at this age 😫 I will try the HV though.

Does he drink squash?

Before this started, had he been unwell?

My top tip would be to realise "behaviour is communication". So what is he trying to communicate by this behaviour?
Does he feel safer with your mother? What does she do that you don't?

I would stop punishing - and just give him space if he lashes out (maybe send him to his room). What happens before he lashes out? Did he lash out this morning because he knew he was going to have to change where he was? Does he struggle with the car?
Is he more likely to lash out when things change eg. meal times?

Try to keep notes and see if you can see any patterns. Keep his fluids up, try not to let blood sugar drop, and if he attacks/shouts then try to isolate him somewhere safe. If possible have a safe space with few distractions and calming for him to be (a play tent can be this).

If necessary go back to your GP and demand a referral to a Paediatrician.

It could be normal pushing boundaries with you as his safe person. It could be parenting. Or it could be something like PANDAS if he’s had an infection and suddenly changed. Hard to say online OP but I’d say pushing things with GP and or HV is a must.

Look up PANDS

Sorry PANDAS

Not saying this will solve everything but maybe try and focus on positive rather than negative consequences. So when he is being calm, have cuddles , play with his favourite toys and tell him what a lovely boy he is and how lovely it is spending time together. While he is like this you could say you will take him to x place or something if he remains in this mood. Ask him what is upsetting him, or it might get more results if he draws it or you act out a scenario with his toys. Just some suggestions. It is hard

ds went through a phase of thrashing out when he couldn't control his temper. We used time out to calm down (never called it the naughty step). Whenever he got cross he would be put there for few minutes (age 4 = 4 minutes) until he calmed down, if he moved he would be put back and the clock reset as he obviously hadn't calmed down enough to stay there for the time. He should be put in time out quietly and calmly, physically but as gently as possible, no shouting, a simple repeated once or twice only - I can see you are angry you need some timeout to calm down then we can fix it/talk about it.

Afterwards he would be praised for calming down, asked if he felt better/calmer now, told that is good, and we would talk about it, he would apologise.

It is also important staying calm and not getting angry is modelled to him, from all members of the family and their interactions with each other.

If you see him getting angry try to intervene and distract/lighten the mood where possible.

Do it consistently and he will eventually learn. I know you say you have tried the naughty step already, it took us months of consistent and correct use.

Ok this is hard for you both. My 4yo had a period like this when overwhelmed starting school. Ok are right - behaviour is communication and children will take it out on those they feel safest with, which is probably why he saved it all up for you after seeing your mum. It's likely to be linked with him being ill so probably still not 100% and the madness which is Christmas if it's just started.

My advice would be keep him safe when angry, don't take it personally, read lots of books about feelings with him and try and help him identify what is going On, e.g. " you seem angry, is that because I wouldn't buy you that toy in the supermarket?" Etc . Keep your boundaries so stop him from hitting and injuring.

It will pass. My 4yo is now much better now settled in school. We still have the odd flair when worried about something e.g. school play!

Thankyou all so so much for replying, when I’m able to settle down il read them properly and look into suggestions.
I do find it hard to keep calm when he does it which is probably adding to the problem.
Thankyou all again x

Couple of tips although massively easier said than done:

Lots of positive reinforcements, even for the most simple. “You washed your hands so well/good walking down the stairs”

Lots of responsibility, kids thrive on this, even if sometimes the job takes longer. “Please can you help mummy unlock the door with the key?” “Can you hold this cupboard door open whilst mummy gets a bowl”

Make sure you say more “yes” than “no”. Sometimes we don’t realise, but we actually say no lots and lots to the point it becomes meaningless and the child begins to question what they can do

Distraction works brilliantly. If you see them getting worked up, find a new toy or something to look at

Keep a diary. Does it happen at the same time? Is it a sugar rush from diet? Have they had enough attention?

It is a difficult age where they start to feel much more independent, but cannot always communicate their needs and wants.

As PP have said,always give the HV a ring and ask to speak to a SENIOR health visitor as they have sometimes invaluable information

Oh and finally, always explain why you’re saying no. There is no point them running over to the TV, hitting it with a remote etc and then just saying no, because they won’t understand what specifically you’re saying no to (the running/picking up the remote/hitting etc)

If they scratch you, say “no, we do not scratch because it hurts mummy and makes mummy upset and that is not nice”

I know a lot of parents seem to be moving away from the ‘naughty step’ idea but I have 4 boys and found it invaluable when they were younger. I used it calmly but very consistently if they had ignored a prior warning that their behaviour would lead to the step and made sure I used it properly so that they were returned straight away if they left before the time was up. It only took a few times of returning them 20 times over when they were toddlers for them to realise they couldn’t get away with leaving before I said they could and after I’d established that setup I often only had to issue the warning and the unwanted behaviour would stop. I was never rough or shouted but did give a warning and always explained why I was putting them there and once the time was up, we had a hug and moved on totally - no grudges.

However, my absolute red line was (and still is) any kind of physical attack on me. In those rare instances when they were much younger and also only under those circumstances, there is no warning, it is straight to the step with a very stern voice that they ‘Do NOT hit/bite/kick me’
I think it is very important to put a stop to this kind of behaviour while they are young or they will grow up always thinking they are able to strike you in anger and they will of course only get bigger and stronger. At four years old I am sure you are nowhere near past the point of no return and just need to establish this clear boundary that can never be crossed.

My DS are now 6, 8, 10 & 11 and I cannot even remember the last time I had to put any of them on the step. They are all loving, kind and relaxed boys so far and I’m hopeful that I have already established a degree of respect for me which means they would never even consider hitting me.

It will be a tough few days while you ‘win’ this particular battle but so worth it.

My 3 year old does this sometimes. We tried naughty step etc, nothing worked. Then we stopped and started literally removing him from the situation, distracting him with something else, or grab and cuddle on sofa away from everything. It was only when we stopped getting angry and his naughty behaviour that he stopped being naughty and angry and hitting etc

Use the motto hug not hit. Grab him and hug him until he calms down. It's a trick I learnt off a friend. He's could be angry or upset about something. Also look for tiggers: food / fizzy drinks / sugar / over tiredness. The answer will lie in there some wher