to ask you to sort my life out, because I am making a fucking mess of it.

[tooyoungtobetired]

Having a bit of pity party, maybe need some MN AIBU sense knocked into me. I am late 20s, and feeling like an absolute loser.

I've had a pretty shite 2019. I've struggled massively with anxiety and depression, meaning that I have been signed off work a lot of the year, alongside trying to do a distance-learning Masters (which I am yet to finish for the same reasons).

I realised this year that I don't have many friends. If I am being honest, the friends I do have are not close to me. I feel that I put on an act most of the time around them - basically being a "class clown" (if that makes sense), always laughing and taking the piss out of myself. But I would never discuss actual things with them (like my mental health for example).

I put academic achievement before enjoyment of Uni and sixth form, and so I have a lot of "impressive" qualifications but missed out making friends there.

Me and my ex split in November. After a pretty shit time for me (mental health, lost my job, my family friend died, I had a miscarriage) my boyfriend said that I was making him feel bad. He said we should break up. I ignored him for a month, but caved after feeling so lonely.

We slept together last weekend, after having dinner and having a whole day of talking things through. He admitted me missed me a lot (the "biggest understatement of my life to say I missed you"), that he found it hard to cope with the split, and had been signed off work with depression for a month (the month we didn't speak). He said he had to actively try and stop thinking about me, but he was devastated when I stopped speaking to him. He apologized for the way he left things when we split up (i had been at a family friends funeral the week we split and had been really stressed and down). He said the breakup was confusing because he felt pressured by me into making a decision there and then: he had no idea we would split. He said is avoidant of conflict and "just wanted the arguments to go away".

He said the breakup was messy, we still have feelings for each other - that he couldn't think of me dating anyone else because it would destroy him, and that he will never meet someone like me again. He said I was like a "prize" girlfriend in terms of looks, prior work (I used to do "modelling" - not impressive, but I got paid to sell things on insta with a few thousand followers), and intelligence.

... but obviously he was "didn't know" what to do about the split.

Since then he has contacted me a fair bit, with the conversations on text reading as if we were still together (the same type of long paragraph messages about things we were doing/what we thought of certain things etc). And him sending me "our" song, him uploading songs to his social media which are basically regretful breakup songs (e.g. Ed Sheeran happier) - I know how pathetic this all sounds, believe me.

So anyway, I have fallen back into contacting him, knowing in my head that we won't get back together and I am headed for more heartbreak, because if he wanted to be with me, he would.

I even get annoyed sometimes because I know I deserve someone better. He told me many times that I was out of his league, and I know it sounds bigheaded, but I agree.

Is the growing contact, apology and excitement to chat because he knows he made a mistake, or is he just bored and alone? Am i naive?

I am in a position where I will be alone for NYE. I know ex is going away with his friend for this, I've messaged all my friends and they're either working, with families or with their partners. This has made me feel even worse, because I am trying to alleviate the loneliness.

So at the end of 2019, I am still depressed, lonely, single and friendless. I am talking to an ex who (I have previously posted about him on here) has been described as emotionally abusive by MNetters and my family, I am living with my parents due to fear of living alone, I still haven't completed my Masters, and I haven't worked on my career. I haven't had one invite from anyone over Christmas to do anything. I just feel so alone.

So MN, please can you help me sort my life out

1. Stop talking to your loser ex. He's enjoying toying with your feelings. You deserve better.
2. What help have you had for your mental health? Therapy? Anti depressants? Are they working? If not is there other help you can access?
3. Even if you're living with your parents and you'd rather not be, you've got a roof over your head - there's no point in worrying about not having moved out yet or living alone. Id hate to live alone, and living alone won't help you with loneliness it will just make it worse.
4. Do you want to complete the masters? What do you need to be able to finish it? Do you have a tutor you can ask for help?
5. How bothered are you about career progression? It's it a realistic prospect or is it another thing to beat yourself up with?
6. What hobbies do you have? Can you think about joining a class or group to make some friends? Anything you've ever fancied trying? It might be good for your mental health too.

Sorry if it sounds harsh I've been where you are - you've got to break everything down into manageable chunks and work out what you can do something about, and what you can't.

Oh OP ! Don’t be so hard on yourself!
So you have a job and doing a masters ! Just that alone means your pretty awesome. People need time off for various illnesses so don’t beat yourself up.

And it’s an awful time of year to break up. But generally I find most people are pretty decent and so if he is saying he’s finding the breakup hard it’s because he does and misses you . It doesn’t mean he’s right for you but obviously in his way loves you.

It might not feel it but honestly you are young and have your life in front of you. Concentrate on getting yourself well enough to get back to work and have a think about a few things you want for 2020. NYE is always a bit rubbish anyway d

Your "ex" has that title for a reason. If you had a happy, healthy relationship, then you would not have split up, especially at such an emotional time in your life.

I always say don't have regrets, and don't look back. Leave the heartbreak in your past, don't invite it to join your future.

Couldn't read and not post. to you.

2020 will be your year. From the information you have provided, you're a strong, bright individual who is just feeling a little lost. Big hugs OP xxx