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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want people to stop commenting on my 11 yo weight?

23 replies

ThereIsTooMuchConfusion · 28/12/2019 17:22

My 11 dd (nearly 12) has never been over weight. However recently she has slimmed down a lot. I have previously posted on chat because I’m worried about her lack of eating lunch at school and doesn’t eat breakfast. She also walks 2 miles to school and back each day.

She has been eating normally at home. So think this might just be something her and her friends are doing missing lunch and breakfast I mean. I’m working on this and trying not to make a big deal as I know relationships with food can be difficult and don’t want to contribute to this.

However everywhere we have been this Christmas time, nearly everyone has mentioned something about how skinny she is. Or how great she looks and how much weight she has lost! And my dd absolutely loves it and looks so happy. I feel like she is becoming obsessed with looking slimmer.

I don’t want her to be even thinking about her weight at 11!! Aibu to just not want people to comment on her weight?!

OP posts:

Lottapianos · 28/12/2019 17:25

YANBU in the slightest. No one should be commenting on her body. So many people are obsessed with weight, their own and others', and seem to think its the highest possible praise to tell someone how skinny they look. Bloody depressing

Haworthia · 28/12/2019 17:27

I really think you need to address the fact that she starves herself all day and only eats one meal. You said you didn’t want to make a big deal of it? It is a big deal.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 28/12/2019 17:29

YABU to think your DD isn’t already thinking about her weight if she’s starving herself- yes people are rude to comment but you should be tackling this

Tistheseason17 · 28/12/2019 17:29

YANBU - this era of Insta and wanting to be famous for what you look like is so depressing.

Perhaps talk to her about having a strong body and fuelling it in the same way as a car - as a car will stop if it runs out of fuel.

That's all I got, I'm afraid. Hope it does not turn into a biger issue.

puds11 · 28/12/2019 17:31

That’s shit but people just don’t think about what they’re saying. I was having a convo with my DH about how to check my DS’s eating when she goes to secondary school as it’s a classics time for eating disorders to develop.

I know there used to be a couple of documentary’s on channel 4 about eating disorders that where quite in-depth. May be worth looking up something like that for her to watch to demonstrate the seriousness of under eating.

Original poster

ThereIsTooMuchConfusion · 28/12/2019 17:32

I am addressing it just not in the most obvious ways I have no control of her at school.
It’s very hard to force someone to eat when they don’t want to. I was extremely worried about this, but people around me have reassured me these things can be a phase, she literally doesn’t stop eating at home. Constantly asking for things to eat. I have no idea how to get her to eat at school. If you have any suggestions please let me know.

Unfortunately I’m not there in the mornings so cannot make her eat breakfast. I have tried putting bacon rolls in fridge I bought her some smoothies and some breakfast bars. I bought her favourite cereal nothing works!! She will not eat breakfast. Again any ideas are more than welcome!!

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 28/12/2019 17:40

Aibu to just not want people to comment on her weight?!

YANBU but there's not much you can do about it really.

Missing breakfast is not something I'd worry about as I haven't eaten it since I was about 11yrs old but the skipping lunch would worry me.

Original poster

ThereIsTooMuchConfusion · 28/12/2019 17:40

@OnlyFoolsnMothers how? Like I literally feel so out of depth. What if it’s not an issue and I’m going to make it one? I have a hideous relationship with food I feel like I have spent my whole life trying to make her food relationships healthy because I’ve always worried about this. And now it might be happening I literally don’t know what to do! I read the websites that mumnetters recommended to me and following that advice. I just feel like I need to keep this into perspective else I could potentially blow this up into something it’s not and make the whole thing worse

OP posts:

Original poster

ThereIsTooMuchConfusion · 28/12/2019 17:44

@WorraLiberty I guess thatS true I cannot control other people’s comments I guess it’s more about educated my dd that she is so much more than her weight and looks. So hard in this insta generation! (Not that she’s on there but you know what I mean)

OP posts:

Beamur · 28/12/2019 17:51

Is she a healthy weight now?
Breakfast is not a good meal to skip as it's then such a long time for a body to be running on empty. It will make it harder to concentrate at school.
Who is at home for breakfast time? They need to help with getting her to at least have a drink and a snack, even a cereal bar or yogurt would be better than nothing.
It's a very hard line to tread for you, but I think at her age you should still be able to talk with her about taking care of herself

Ohyesiam · 28/12/2019 17:53

Yanbu. People want to mind their own bloody business. “compliments“ are a form of personal remark.

Original poster

ThereIsTooMuchConfusion · 28/12/2019 17:54

She is a healthy weight at the moment I don’t know how much she weighs but I’d say she is lower side of average not underweight though, if that makes sense.

I work nights and her dad leaves for work around 7 about half an hour before she does. He is a wake up and go kinda person. I’m sure he will change this. He always makes her a tea in the morning.

OP posts:

FreedomfromPE · 28/12/2019 17:55

YANBU. What adult's are thinking it's OK to be commenting on the physical appearance of an 11 year old in that way? That would make me very uncomfortable.

hidinginthenightgarden · 28/12/2019 17:56

YANBU it is quite damaging. I used to make myself sick to help me loose weight. When people starting saying I looked better, it spurred me on to do it more. You should speak to your daughter about it.

Beamur · 28/12/2019 18:49

If your DH could maybe be around some mornings and perhaps have breakfast with her? More of an incentive then if it's a bit of time to chat and spend time with him too. Breakfasting alone at 11 is perhaps a bit lonely- has she just started high school too? With us that also meant much earlier starts and this first term is hard work.
It doesn't sound like a problem yet, but I think you are right to notice and take steps to protect her.

daintytoes · 28/12/2019 21:47

Op please try to address her eating habits (or lack of).

My dd15 has recently been diagnosed with bulimia / anorexia. She starved herself all day...no breakfast, a cereal bar for lunch in school then she raids the fridge after school. Has dinner then snacks etc and vomits. It's a cycle of restrict..binge..purge. Please look out for any splashes of food around the toilet pan, nearby wall, radiator etc.

I didn't notice anything but it had apparently been going on for months before I became aware of the splashes.

I'm not saying your dd has an ED however I ask you to be very vigilant. Especially if she delights in people's comments.

Good luck

1Morewineplease · 28/12/2019 22:00

You’ve said that you’re already worried about her eating.
Clearly something’s up.
Have you talked to her about your concerns?
It’s a bit worrying that other folk have mentioned her weight loss and that you have concerns and have previously talked about it.
Can you go with her to your GP?

Original poster

ThereIsTooMuchConfusion · 28/12/2019 22:31

It’s just really hard I feel like if I talk to her directly about it she would just refuse there is any problem, which there might not be! Or there might be and she is denying it. It’s such a minefield! I wish I knew exactly the right thing to do. I hope there isn’t an issue but I don’t know what to do other than seek the advise from the websites etc.

I could talk to the GP or they have well being teens at her school (teens who have left school but come back to talk to kids 1.1 I might ask her head of year about getting her one of those to talk to and explain my concerns)

She honestly doesn’t stop eating at home and really don’t think she is throwing up. I will monitor it though.

Any other advice would be great 👍🏻

OP posts:

daintytoes · 28/12/2019 23:13

Hi yes definitely monitor things. Hopefully it's nothing to worry about, and I hope I didn't worry you earlier!

My dd started off with this same pattern you describe so please do be extra vigilant. It may just be that she is outgrowing any "puppy fat" she may have had, combined with the walking etc.

Josette77 · 28/12/2019 23:17

I did the same thing at her age and was hospitalized for years at 17 for anorexia. Starving yourself during the day isn't a phase. Please seek support for her. Do not wait for her to be underweight.

daintytoes · 28/12/2019 23:31

I agree josette, especially knowing what I know now about my dd. I'm really not trying to scare or frighten you but please don't ignore her eating habits.

My dd will restrict during the day, then when it gets to dinner time she is famished so will binge. The guilt then kicks in which causes her to purge.

If all is well, great but be very vigilant. I wish I hadn't brushed things off in the past. I was naive but now she has started treatment.

Original poster

ThereIsTooMuchConfusion · 29/12/2019 01:09

It’s impossible to worry me more than I have been. It’s just I have a history of kinda worrying too much so trying to keep it in check as well as monitoring. My sister also had a ED I know she can talk to her but I’m scared to ask in case it triggers something for dsis and also if it’s nothing I’m scared it’s creating something. If that makes sense?

OP posts:

daintytoes · 29/12/2019 07:57

It makes sense, definitely.

It's hard because you feel stuck between a rock and a hard place, scared to trigger anything in her.

I don't have experience of asking a child about eating habits, to be told it's nothing to worry about. As I have mentioned upthread I saw evidence along with weight loss (thought she was just becoming leaner as she got older, losing puppy fat and so on). But I'm sure there's lots of people on here that have had experience of how to handle this I'm a sensitive manner.

Definitely use us mumsnetters and draw on their experience. Maybe even ask for the thread to be moved to Child Health?

I remember at about your dd's age being questioned about why I was going to the toilet after meals. It was all completely innocent and I remember being a bit bemused but it didn't trigger anything with me or make me wonder about doing it.

But please ask questions on here as there's a wealth of experience on how to do things for the best. It may well be that all is well.

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