To say chronic infidelity is abusive?

[ThinkingOOTloud]

I found this article online whilst ruminating about the utter crap that my children's father has put me through, he had two affairs (that I know of) and one resulted in a baby being conceived whilst I was pregnant with ours. He never used protection and would lie, manipulate and gaslight me to the point of doubting my own mind. He also told incredible lies about me to the OW. However, never before today did it occur to me that that was an abusive relationship. This article opened my eyes, so AIBU to say that yes chronic infidelity is abuse for all the reasons listed below?

The article I mentioned as below:

Reducing infidelity to sexual incompatibility or relationship issues and labelling ongoing extra-marital sexual relations as sex addiction - a sickness to be treated - ignores the fact that infidelity itself is abuse and ignores the role that infidelity plays in a larger pattern of abusive behaviour. Inherent in the act of infidelity is chronic lying, scheming, manipulation, blame shifting and duplicity which are all psychological patterns of abusive behaviour. In addition, the unfaithful spouse may be depleting the family bank account to pay for gifts and dinners for affair partners or for pornography and paying people who work in prostitution (financial abuse).

Furthermore, the unfaithful spouse can be routinely and negligently choosing to risk their marriage partner’s sexual health by potentially exposing them to sexually transmitted infections (physical abuse) with long term physical consequences, for example, HIV. This behaviour also knowingly takes away the faithful partner’s right to make decisions around their sexual health or actively practice safe sex.

This abuse of power (through secrecy) and control (through lies and manipulation), denies the faithful partner the ability to make their own informed choices. It also points to the unfaithful partner’s sense of entitlement expressed through their complete disregard for their partner’s wellbeing: blocking their partner’s prerogative to leave a faithless marriage, and tricking faithful partners into participating in a happy family pretence - a sham, a lie. The unfaithful partner knowingly remains in the one-up position, while the faithful partner ignorantly remains subjugated.

Yes, your relationship was abusive but it would have been regardless of cheating.

Your relationship was abusive, infidelity or not. Infidelity was just another part of your relationship.

Yes it is, and you don't even need lengthy explanations to recognise that.

It is eye opening for me, yet i should have known this long ago. For me, when I hear 'abusive relationship' I think of previous experiences I had with my first partner who would physically hurt me. I never before now, realised this bastard was the same albeit differently.

Those who voted YABU I would be really interested to hear your reasoning behind the vote?

Absolutely. Even at the smallest level, chronic cheating will near always involve gaslighting and as such is emotionally abusive and coercively controlling. "He's doing x, but is he - I'm not sure of myself anymore. Maybe if I didn't y he would z?"

Did anyone vote that it wasn't abusive?As far as I can see, all responses were that it was. I can't see voting details on my phone.
I'm concerned the way you word this. In an almost scientific, detached way. As if you had no input into the decision to stay in the relationship or control over your decisions/choices. Yes, I understand that gaslighting can be powerful and it isn't easy to leave someone when you have DC together. So absolutely no victim blaming here. But you mention this is your 2nd abusive partner. Would you recognise an abuser early next time?

I didn't know any of it was happening or had happened until the very end, if I did I like to think I would have left immediately but I was clueless.

Would I recognise an abuser earlier next time? I really hope so, but clearly my judgement is still piss poor despite having done the freedom program after the first abusive relationship.

This one seemed the opposite, never aggressive, very much "the good guy" to those who know him.

Covert abuse is the worst.

Sometimes I wish he hurt me. I would have realised it was abuse sooner.

YANBU

I know what you mean Stabbitha. I feel as though this one hurt me the most despite never laying a finger on me. If he had hit me I would have left. I learnt enough from my first relationship to be able to say that matter of factly. His manipulative scheming robbed me of my ability to make informed decisions.

Yes Diana there are some YABU votes, 29% have voted that way

I'd guess thinking, that the people voting YABU are those who have experienced the more physical abuse, and are viewing the question through that lens. I can see why - for some people, not all - being beaten black and blue on a daily basis could make you have less sympathy for those who are not physically threatened but don't LTB.

I can definitely understand that POV as until recently I didn't see it as abuse myself, probably because I had been exposed to the physical sort in my first relationship which had cemented in my mind that was what an abusive relationship was.

Ah, 29% surprises me. I would have thought the lying, putting you at risk of STDs and making you doubt your sanity would be considered abuse by most people.