To go for a walk and get a takeaway?

[whatnow40]

Visiting DM, thankfully only for 1 full day, but arrived yesterday evening and going tomorrow morning.

She can't cook. I mean, I survived childhood. But I did spend periods malnourished despite being overweight, would regularly faint and was never taken to a doctor after the malnourishment issues.

She isn't mean, but was abusive in a neglectful and oblivious way. Food in her house is always bad. She insisted she was going to cook our 'main' meal I'm while here with DH and DS (8). Chicken casserole. It's vile. It's the most disgusting substance I've ever put in my mouth. Even DH couldn't finish it.

Poor DS tried his best and was polite, and is now hiding under a duvet with some pringles. All other food we are eating while here has been brought by us. Because I'm always told to bring my own food and, quite frankly, it's not worth the arguments if I asked her to buy stuff specifically for our visit.

So, she is really happy with the dinner. We are not. We only have enough food for us to have one meal this evening and breakfast in the morning. It's only 1pm and DS will defo want to eat again soon. Shall we just go for a walk and find a pub or get a takeaway in an hour?

Pressure cookers are a boon and a Godsend except in my DMum hands .(I have never bought one myself , I think about it but never got round to it)

She watched some day time TV show where they cooked mince different ways and said they couldn't taste the difference

So she never browns it . Sometimes doesn't even defrost it (not a problem with beef but often there was the plastic 'liner' from the butcher still in the meat) , whole raw onion (because she CBA cutting it up) and a Oxo cube or 2.
Unpeeled potatoes in the top trivet ( not for nutrients , she CBA peeling them)
Some water , bring up to pressure and leave it to cook in it's own heat .
It looked grim like a boiled dish cloth . She always went on about how ££ mince was (well bloody cook it nicely then)
No prizes for guessing whi got landed with cooking as soon as possible !

MIL house - no vegetables or fruit . I used to buy grapes and apples (to eat in secret) otherwise my bum would quite literally , slam shut !

The chicken stew sounds minging ( but I would say that I'm vegetarian, no small part being my DMums cooking )
Pub Lunch sounds in order .
Just say "Don't worry about us and how lucky , you have all that stew to freeze for later "

@Rainycloudyday Yes things are not black and white. I always keep our visits very short, and only once or twice a year. This visit is in lieu of her coming to stay with us over Christmas. As I've learned not to put my family and my lovely DH's family through that.

DM is in her late 60's, lives by herself and has no social network. She's lonely and depressed. She is the product of extreme childhood abuse and neglect. She did the best she could with what she had, but simply lacked to many basic skills and emotional availability to be a good mum. But I survived. Not unscathed, but with the ability to have compassion and love.

She is a victim and very fragile in a lot of ways. She doesn't deserve to be abandoned. But I limit my contact for my own sanity and the benefit of my family. My DS loves her and is always excited to see her, he doesn't get enough time to spend experiences the other, more difficult aspects of this. As he gets older he will notice more things I'm sure. I've also been determined never to lie to him about my upbringing, but to answer any questions in an age appropriate way. So he knows that my mum never ever hugged me or said nice things to me, told me she loved me etc. But she hugs him.

It's nice that she can have that relationship with him and heal some of the pain in her life through her relationship with her grandson. Family is important and always will be.

Plan to take her out for food next time.

That's @ButtercupGirI That's what we usually do. It was just this time she was so excited to cook. It's a new thing for her, she's never really cooked anything before. I won't be making this mistake again!!

I’d definitely ‘go for a walk’ and while you are out get some snacks for later too. I wouldn’t worry about breakfast if you are leaving in the morning, couldn’t you just get breakfast on your way home?

@whatnow40
Sorry if I misunderstood but you said at 13.25 'we will have to tell her how awful it was and hurt her feelings'

@Mydogmylife Ah yes. That was in response to @SquashedOrange asking why we wouldn't just get up and go out for something to eat.

Are you considering going out for a private chip?

Would your dm be offended if in future, you took over the cooking when you visited. I have done this in the past as my dm wasn't a very good cook and I wanted the dcs to have balanced meals.

Why don't you engage her in some cooking lessons. Might be a nice bonding experience.

Good luck getting some food

Just some for you OP, for demonstrating to your son the power of boundaries, kindness, understanding and restraint.

You sensibly limit contact, you know where her issues stem from, you don’t want to hurt her. You have indeed learnt compassion.

Now go get those chips

I think it's generational. My DM is a baby boomer and relies on shop bought ready meals and tinned sauces which to me taste of vinegar. She just never learned to cook and CBA peeling/ chopping etc

WhatDay my MIL puts packets of cup a soup into her stews. (Vom)

Thanks for your kind message @AtrociousCircumstance We managed to get out and had an afternoon snack/late lunch. Hubby was starving bless him!!

We had frozen pizza and chips for tea so didn't think that could go wrong! I asked DM to turn the oven on as it's gas and I use electric. It needs to be lit with one of those long clicker things. Took 45 mins to cook a pizza as she kept saying it was lit, but it wasn't. and we could only fit one pizza in the oven at a time! DH wasn't laughing last night but it's funny now.

We do usually take her out for lunch and a order takeaway for our evening meal when we stay. Hopefully she will be ok with us reverting back to that next year!!