To want to move house straight after moving in

[Hallabaleeps]

I moved house two weeks ago and it has triggered a terrible bout of postnatal depression. I could kick myself as I had PND with my first so I knew I was susceptible. I realised the house was wrong for us a month before we completed and tried to pull out but my husband convinced me that renting would be a waste of money and didn’t want to be ‘homeless’ just before Xmas with a 10 week old baby. I know I should have insisted but was trying to do best by the family. Now I’m in a situation where I’ve had to take the kids and go stay with my parents because I can’t cope. Two weeks ago we were living in a cramped flat with two children under 3 and tired but happy. Now we are in a house and I have totally fallen apart. The real issue isn’t the house but the neighbourhood. We’re in London but a long way from a station, Long way from shops and parks, close to the motorway and still under the flight path All so we could get a place with a bit more space . Again I could kick myself as went to the house at all different times of day and the planes just happened not to be going over at those times. We also paid too much for it based on other house sales which I also desperately tried to get my husband to Take on board but he got so upset that I didn’t feel I could do anything to make him so unhappy and went along with it.

I know it’s just a house and we can fix up (it would only need minor stuff done) and sell on if we need to or rent out if it will cover cost of mortage but I need advice for the short term as this isn’t just a case of someone feeling depressed about a bad house move. This is someone who needs to find a way to cope with daily life in order to look after their children. Should we go back to our old area and get a short term rental for a couple of months while I recover? Should I stay with my husbands family who are close enough to London that husband could commute to London from there? Should I stay at the new place and get family over to help every day? I am starting seeing a counsellor in a week as I know I also need professional help.

I would love to hear from anyone who has been through something like this too or has moved again so quickly after a bad move- feel so alone at the moment and so completely furious with myself..

Just do it. Put it straight back on the market. Maybe sproos it up a bit first so you can say it was a spinner. Perhaps whilst doing that, you might decide it isn't so bad. But if not...

Life's short, fuck it. "Husband dearest, it's a no from me. So don't unpack your shit, we're off again".

If you could afford to rent whilst also paying bills on this place, then you can afford to walk away at a loss instead if need be. Maybe buy outside of London, but somewhere nice. Even if it means you gotta change jobs. That should have really been considered before buying in a bad area.

See your gp about the depression.

Excellent advice there from @pinkbonbon. Put your energy into revamping it a little bit - just what you can manage and what might add a little bit of value. Put it back on the market and if in the meantime you have a change of heart or begin to feel considerably better you can stay there. Hope you feel better soon.

I’m sorry you are going through PND.

Is it really the move and house that caused your depression or would you have had depression anyway ? You may be projecting.

Given the expense in moving, id stay for a few years and once your depression is being treated and the house looking nice you may feel better.

I think you need to sort the depression out first and then see how you feel. You've hardly given this house a chance. I personally don't think staying in someone else's house would be helpful to your mood if you're depressed.

Get your depression treated before you make any rash decisions.
Am I right in thinking that you have two DCs? The second is approx 10 weeks old, and DC1 is under 3?
It sounds like both families are supportive. If possible, as you suggest, try and get someone to come and visit you each day once you are back home.
Does your DH work? What are his working hours? Is he supportive and hands on?
Wishing you all the best, OP.
I’m also thinking the PND might have struck even if you were in the flat, though admittedly it might have felt less overwhelming & destructive if you were in your usual surroundings.

FWIW I have lived under a flight path and your brain soon tunes out the majority of noise. I think you could try doing it up a bit as po suggested.

OP we sold a flat we were supposed to move in to two weeks after getting the keys. Circumstances around the location changed dramatically after we bought it (and agent lied to us but that's another story!). I knew with all certainty that I couldn't live there and wanted to pull out but DH insisted the changes in that location weren't that big a deal and I was being silly. Until he were there after getting the keys and then he agreed.

We didn't do anything to it, just got different photos taken with a different agent and said his job had made him move to another town so we were not able to move in. We sold it higher than we bought it so covered all the costs.

However, I didn't have to convince him..in fact I failed to convince him until he saw the problem for himself. Your issue is your DH right now. He didn't listen to you before when you said you didn't want to move there. How can you get him to agree to sell now? Do you really have the energy to deal with him, finding another place and moving again right now?

Is it possible to get a lot more help with the baby and/or toddler to at least take some pressure off with the PND? Tell him it's that or moving? And then you go and organise the help? Tell yourself that for now the house doesn't matter, you're going to focus on yourself and getting through the illness? Revisit the moving idea in 6-8 months when hopefully you'll be feeling a bit better?

What part of London are you? I’m sure there are people on Mumsnet who’ll know about the hidden gems of places to visit for you and your family that you haven’t discovered yet. Knowing that there is somewhere like that to go to can really help. X

What a massive waste of money though , do you have that money to throw away ? Would addressing your depression be a better way froward . When my mum has a bad turn we up her anti depressants ( this is what the doctor will say anyways ) ANd she will have some anti anxiety meds too to calm her down .
It always works and the thing that was bothering her is never as bad as she thought it was .

Do you have a car OP? How close are your nearest shops.
I would definitely sort the depression rather than sell the house- you will likely lose a lot of money.

I would start looking for another house but stick it out until you find one that's 100% the one for you. If that's next week, then go for it. I sort of railroaded DH into buying our current house, in my youthful optimism I thought he would come to love it. He didn't. There's nothing wrong with the house but it's a bit of a pain to get to and from as it's in a village, it's not near any family and most importantly his heart just wasn't in it. It's caused countless arguments and simmering resentment between us - we are moving very shortly.

I used to live in a house that backed onto a busy railway line. The whole house shook from the trains vibrations and I'd hear the horn before they went through the tunnel. After a while I couldn't hear it anymore, it was as though my brain had filtered it out. When my friends or partner came to stay, they'd always say what was that noise?! But I didn't hear it anymore. Give the house 12 months. Just see how you feel in 12 months time. I've had pnd and it really messed up the way I thought about everything. I hope you feel better soon.

This sounds familiar. We moved when our baby was five months. I wanted to pull out part way through the purchase process but my husband convinced me to go ahead. We are now five years on and still in the house. I still dislike it. We put our house on the market a year and a half ago. It sold quickly but we couldn't find anything to buy and eventually our buyers got tired of waiting and the chain collapsed. Unfortunately Brexit has really killed the market here so there's nothing decent to buy.

If you know the house is wrong, ditch it. I'm so pissed off that I have spent five years in a house I really don't like.

Ive lived next to railway & under flight path, you get used to it

Surely you knew how far the shops & parks, train station were before you moved ?

It costs a lot of time, effort, money to move !
Suggest you wait 6 months, then re assess the situation

I did 3 big house moves when my dc were babies and toddlers and each move played havoc with my mental health. I really think people underestimate the impact of packing, unpacking, cleaning and organising with young dc, especially whilst still postpartum and sleep deprived. Not to mention the mental load of the move.

I don’t ever ever want to face moving again whilst my dc are still children. And I still hold resentment towards dh for moving, even though he was not really at fault.

I would give it time and get treatment for your pnd, take up offers of support from your family and try to make the best of it for the next 12 months or so.

I TOTALLY understand but unfortunately I don't have any answers for you.
We moved just before I gave birth to DS1. Massive mistake. New area, no family support, had a horrendous birth and pnd. So regretted moving out of London at that point in time. We sold the house after two years but went into rented as still couldn't work out what would work better and here we still are! Now v hard as DS1 in school. And we're in limbo. I'm terrified of making another mistake and also of the upheaval of moving as it brings back the horrors of that year. I'm still massively depressed and anxious too.
In hindsight we should have just moved back straight away. Rented out our bought house and figured out what to do while kids were tiny. If you know you are in the wrong house and location you know. Speaking of which is it the house or location or both? How does your husband feel? Unfortunately for us there is no obvious solution. There are pros and cons to every option. We actually now have a last minute place in a primary in a school where we used to love and I'm still terrified. What if I still feel the same? It's miles more expensive there and busier and I don't know as many people there anymore. And we would have to tell our son he's not going back to his old school and he's starting at a new school. So so stressful. Anyway that's my problem but you sound similar in feeling to me and I would tentatively urge you to rent out your house and rent back in old area while you try and get back on an even keel mood wise. it's incredibly hard with kids

Thankyou for the kind replies. Really helps to hear all the different opinions including the ones telling me to stick with the house. Sadly we also had this situation before- my husband railroaded us into buying our last flat and I went along with it because he was so adamant. I hated it at first too but didn’t have kids at that point so just adjusted and got on with it fairly quickly although regularly struggled to sleep because of the noise. it was in a great area though so we had a lot of lovely things going on around it just had to put up with living on a major a road!

We lost a tonne of money on our flat when we sold it but we both have got much better jobs in the last 5 years so whilst we do have some savings we can’t afford to just abandon our new place and rent somewhere else long term unless we also rent it out- we also can’t afford to lose much in selling it again so would be best to wait til there is an uptick in the market so we can at least try to break even.

I think the thing to do is to spend the next 2 months tidying up the house, treating the PND and if I still hate it there, rent it out and move back to our old neighbourhood while we figure out what to do next. Life is too short but definitely not a good idea to make another big life decision when in this state. Wishing lots of luck to anyone else going through this too

OP we are in a similar situation.
moved across the country with dh and ds for dhs new job. on paper where we are is fab.....the reality is I hate it (since first week here) and so does ds. dh is unhappy because were not happy. moved here last october, plan to put back up for sale end of this month as were just slapping on a bit of paint/ tidying (cheap mind!). we tried the move, but life is far too short, so 2020 were going "home" (area we came from). its a shame, but thats life!

Do not fear, I have absolutely been there. Get professional help for you, get practical help with the baby and with the house. Get it scrubbed clean, repainted (professionally if possible) in a nice neutral colour. Watch some shows like the American fixer upper with Joanna Gaines who can transform spaces like no one else ive ever seen. Ask for advice on diy/property boards - someone did that recently with a tiny budget and horrible flat as they were fleeing domestic violence and got amazing advice.

Above all, stay calm. It is probably very unsettling on a primal level to move right now as your body is telling you to nest and be safe, but often it’s familiarity that makes us feel safe.

Don’t rush and make another wrong decision. You need to take the time to let your baba get a bit bigger and really, really analyse and discuss with DH what you both want from a future home. People saying ‘just move’ probably don’t realise just how much stamp duty and moving costs are involved in London.

I’m so sorry, I’ve had the intense ‘what have we done’ feeling every time we’ve moved house and also very bad depression but not both at the same time. If you need to go and stay with family for a couple of weeks while going to the house every day and making it feel nice, do that. Cleanliness and nice bed sheets, a decent mattress and Giroud et, pillow etc made me feel my bed was a luxury oasis, a nice little nest when I hated everything that surrounded it.

My autocorrect is on one ‘giroud’ is pillow.

OP theres no shame in going back. I think its ridiculous to stick it out for 6 months, when the solution is right there! For us just knowing that we are doing something about it has taken the pressure of a bit.

yesterday (on the way back from centerparcs) we stopped for an hour at our old local town. it felt right instantly. so we know moving back is the right thing to do.
we probably appreciate it more now!

so start planning, titivate where you are now for photo`s on right move . make 2020 your year.x

Depression makes people unreasonable. It would be unreasonable to give up on the house right away, but it sounds like you realize that, OP. I’d treat the PND and regard the house as a given for now. Don’t try to force yourself to like the house. That may come with time, but just try to accept it for now.

Sorry to resurrect a zombie thread @Hallabaleeps but I am in a similar situation at the moment. Just wondered what you decided to do, and if things are better now? I hope they are x