Separating. Shit scared & full of self doubt & guilt.

[NeverGuessWho]

I have name changed.
I’m planning on leaving my husband. He doesn’t want me to, but I think it’s more to do with having to sell our house, than being in love with me.
Have felt like doing this countless times over the years, but been unable to due to finances, & to a certain extent we’ve worked through some issues, with things ticking along till the next time.
The circumstances & my situation are so specific that if anybody I know read this, they would 100% know it’s me without question, so I can’t give away any specific information.
He’s not a monster, he hasn’t cheated, I don’t hate him. But there has consistently been a lot of low level stuff over the years, interspersed with some higher level shitty behaviour.
This year, a line has been crossed. Something clicked. The way he reacted to it, and his subsequent actions & attitude have caused irreparable damage IMO but not in his.
We have 3 children living at home still. I am so scared that they will hate me for uprooting them from our beautiful home in an amazing area, to live in a flat in a rough, undesirable area.
Anyone out there any experience of the mum of teenagers separating when there wasn’t full on abuse involved, & when no one had cheated?
I would happily have the children 100% of the time, though I know this isn’t fair. In other words, I’m not leaving them, just the marriage, our gorgeous home and the status quo.

Wondering if it all back fired on anyone out there. Couldn’t cope if they hated me for leaving him & turning their lives upside down.

A house is not a family and does not create love.
A house is somewhere to live.
A house does not love you back.
A house full of resentment and bitterness is not a nice place to be.
If it is silent and cold it is not a nice place to be.
A smaller, happier place that is safe is better than a heartless status symbol.

I have two teens and an almost teen. Honestly, they have all complained in various degrees about having to live in two households, having to pack up their stuff and trudge it all back and forth. I know it's not fair for them, but conditions were untenable and the marriage was absolutely broken. Our separate households are roughly similar and I was able to find a place in the same school district, so that helps. We did have one child see a counselor to talk over her feelings and help her through the changing circumstances.

They tell me things about their time with their father that serve to further justify my decision. I hope one day when they are adults they will understand why it had to be done and that a person should not live with a partner that is so disrespectful of his wife and children.

We've been apart for some months now, divorce pending. We must message or contact each other about the children and that is all the contact I can take. Today, for example, I received a text from him telling me to "tell my attorney" something specific (and against) my attorney's proposed settlement...and also telling me something completely warped and untrue about a situation with our finances that happened around the time of our retaining our separate attorneys which had the effect of reassuring me that I had made the absolute correct decision to divorce him. Liar. He thinks he can tell me to tell my attorney to not do something she and I agreed to? Well, he's quite the dreamer. Mostly I feel sorry for him, but I'm not going to let my sympathy cause me to get a raw deal with the settlement. I'm owed what I'm owed. The children deserve two parents that are both in a position to take care of them.

So, in the short term there is bound to be complaints and hardship and guilt, but I truly think once time has gone on, your children will understand and not blame you. At present my middle child blames both of us, and while I sympathize with her distress, I was not willing to stay together "for the kids".

We have 50/50 custody. No one cheated, there wasn't physical abuse. Just massive disrespect that accumulated and piled up until I dreaded growing old with him.

Thank you so much for your posts. You both speak a lot of sense & have given me comfort.
I 100% relate to the “dreading getting old with him” comment.

I totally agree about the house, Justilou. I have been emotionally detaching from this house for months. I just hope that they can be happy in the new place.
Really appreciate both of your perspectives.