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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Suspect I know the answer..

48 replies

Treatedlikeamaid · 28/12/2019 00:17

Dh all busy and stressed with work. Hates buying gifts. Usually we agree to go to the sales, (which I loathe as we have to comb the shop till he finds stuff that’s a bargain and insists on buying it even if I say kids won’t wear it.
but kids like to see us get gifts. I bought nice pjs and slippers figuring I could wer them to his parents. When I told him I’d bought them to save him the trouble he went mad, made a big deal about £50. And trouble with me is I never go to the sales.
I still got him football membership and was pleased I’d finally got something he’d like. He was pleased but asked if it was a season ticket..Er, no! And when I said thanks for the pjs he just grunted. Am I being controlling? I thought I was doing him a favour but didn’t discuss it first. Reading various mn threads, I’m questioning why he’d get so upset over 50 pjs ( and free slippers!) it’s not like I buy anything much. He’s being a bit of a grump at the mo.
Feeling really ill for last two days and it’s like he’s cross with me for not doin the washing. He went shopping after issuing orders to tidy up ( and when he came in said what’s for tea- I said I didn’t know when he’d be home. Also thinking wtf? He can make dinner. He could even bring me a drink instead of making one just for himself. Grrr.oh and shopping was miserable on his own. ( kids didn’t want to go) am I right in thinking he’s acting up like a spoilt child?
Sure this is obvious to all. Personally beginning to think he actually is a twunt.

OP posts:
Treatedlikeamaid · 28/12/2019 22:57

Ah, yes. Lots to think about. Glad you are all there, need a hand hold.

I was Feeling fluey,. The house is a mess, and I STUPIDLY asked again, if he could pick up the shower mat to dry. Well he’s immediately on the attack, and f- ing at me. my rooms a mess etcc. I( it is! piles of ironing etc)don’t know if I did the right thing but I knew dd could hear so I went back in and calmly said, please don’t swear at me, which he denied he’d done and before I know it we are in a stupid tit for tat argument. It turns out he’s telling me he doesn’t expect me to come out of nowhere and be grumpy when he’s held the fort together ( Er..gone shopping day 1 and with mate day 2. Kids 13 ) while I’ve been poorly and Made dinner tonight. So of course I apologised , had t realised I’d sounded so off.but it turns out hes cross because he shouldn’t have to do this on his holiday. So I kept calm and apologised. He was all lovely to the kids ( he usually gets them to go to him to say goodnight). He usually doesn’t say goodnight to me, so I went and said - for dds benefit, that we shouldn’t end the day on a bad note. Cue more blaming So just said sorry, so I could escape.
It’s impossible to have a rational discussion- he’ll just attack and say,’well, you...’ like a child.
I know he’s stressed about stuff at work that he can’t let go of. a wonderful lady that I met at a weekend away ( that he didn’t want me going on) has offered to help him.Irony!
Tried to talk to dd and said, ‘ I’m sorry you had to hear that’ and she said,‘I’m used to it’ but wouldn’t talk further.
The kids disappear and dd seems a bit wary. I know she asked the school for counselling after he called me a bitch and she said, that’s abuse daddy, we did it at school.
I feel as if theres always stuff I haven’t done and I’m always a disappointment.And there is just so much to do.
Agh! But then I get all muddled and think he’s right, I am rubbish at housework.
I work part time, but I think he’s never forgiven me for not getting a career back after kids - and wasnt at all pleased at this shop job.

I’m actually seeing a counsellor about all this. It’s thanks to her that I’ve got the shop job.- she encouraged me even when he was saying it wasn’t worth it, I was lying to myself because it’s easier than finding a proper job.

I’m hiding booze because he’s bloody hard to live with when he starts, and it’s depressing - he seems to spend the weekends watching tv in his room or may go out with a mate. I feel like I’m the one trying to keep the kids loved.
He’ll be ok, just miserable for so long, but I’ve felt it all simmering for the weeks before Xmas.
I’m hiding booze because he’s bloody hard to live with when he starts, and it’s depressing - he seems to spend the weekends watching tv in his room or may go out with a mate. I feel like I’m the one trying to keep the kids loved.

I’m hiding booze because he’s bloody hard to live with when he starts, and it’s depressing - he seems to spend the weekends watching tv in his room or may go out with a mate. I feel like I’m the one trying to keep the kids loved.
Am hiding booze because he’s bloody difficult to live with, always moaning and I know I’m trying to block it out, but that Is now changed, it’s not helping At All, and I’m not impressed with myself.
It sounds crap when I write it out ( without his viewpoint!) so am sure I’ve Misunderstood stuff.
Exhausting. Sorry, tired and confused, but beginning to notice it seems to be getting more frequent as my confidence grows a bit - and then I doubt if I’m supposed to have confidence.
This is not good, is it.

OP posts:
Creepster · 28/12/2019 23:04

Life with a controlling abusive man is hard.
There is a book you need to read. "Why Does He DO That".

Wearywithteens · 28/12/2019 23:04

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Treatedlikeamaid · 28/12/2019 23:04

Sorry! Long confused rant.
Hilary thanks, your comment made me laugh. I agree! White stuff rip off but free slippers! And they are lovely and i Felt normal buying them as I never buy stuff for me and I guess I wanted a treat to wear to in laws, etc etc.

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Treatedlikeamaid · 28/12/2019 23:29

Reading why does he do that right now.

Asking - or telling him to step up gets very nasty very quickly ( like tonight when I say I won’t be sworn at) And he won’t back down.
Actually he is abusive isn’t he? I’m not mistaken? I’m not slanting this from my viewpoint ( too much)
He tells me he’s not that bad and I get him wrong...and then I question myself again.

OP posts:
Treatedlikeamaid · 28/12/2019 23:30

Thanks

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Wearywithteens · 28/12/2019 23:38

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

1Morewineplease · 28/12/2019 23:42

Bloody hell... and you’re actually hiding booze??
There’s so much to unpick here but the bottom line is, he is emotionally abusing you and your daughter has picked up on it and is needing support herself from the toxicity of your relationship with your partner.
I think you know what you need to do.

Treatedlikeamaid · 29/12/2019 00:00

Heartfelt Thanks . Was trying to believe I was mistaken, but now stuff keeps bubbling up in my memory.
How do I support dd in the short term?

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Bluntness100 · 29/12/2019 07:20

I still don't understand the hiding booze thing, are you not allowed to drink? If not why not? I understand why you drink, whichis what you explained, but I just don't understand why you actually have to hide it. And what happens when he finds it?

Treatedlikeamaid · 29/12/2019 08:58

nothing really, if I’m honest. Just waves of disapproval. I got embarrassed because I’d have a glass to cook dinner and suddenly had drunk half a bottle. He used to yell, so I just got used to hiding what I was doing. Stupid. And so not me.

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BiblioX · 29/12/2019 09:47

Oh lovely, you’ve got so used to his awful behaviour it’s become your normal. But it’s not. You are not his skivvy. How dare he behave like he does in front of children? How would you feel if your daughter was called bitch by her husband?? In her daughters hearing??

You deserve respect. You deserve politeness. Your children deserve not to feel scared and have this behaviour normalised. BECAUSE THIS IS NOT A LOVING MARRIAGE. Life is too short. Seriously. Find your strength, demand no more.

Would he behave like he does to a stranger in the street? No? Then why do you who he is meant to cherish get treated with contempt and misogyny? Find your strength. Stop apologising and hold your head up and demand ‘no more’.

Treatedlikeamaid · 30/12/2019 00:29

Thanks biblio. Ladies.
Today it seems it’s all forgotten about.
Thanks to you guys am questioning whether Thats normal.
omg, I’ve been conditioned! Of course it’s not normal or acceptable you idiot ( said to self) - last time this happened I thought,’ if he does that again, I’m leaving’. I’d forgotten that. How?
Tonight at sil flat. Was surprised at how jealous I was!! It’s clean and bright and they have mates over!
You guys pointed out how this is affecting the kids. My kids are growing up in isolation in a unloved tatty home. YWhat the actual f. Am I doing.
Why am I making excuses for this chap who goes between all anxious , ‘should I do this??...’ to ‘ do this, end of.’ Of course it’s the first bit that makes me think, I can help! I can’t leave you, poor wounded chap.
Tonight sat with madly controlling ( and shouty) fil, grumpy and controlling dh, and 11 yr ds. Who is sounding more stubborn and condescending like his dad. Noooo!
and I thought about what you’d all said about the kids.
I actually have to leave to save son. And dd.
And me actually. It’s going to be a bugger though.

Dh pours cold water over sil and my plans to amuse kids but offers no alternative...again...it’s a pattern! no wonder everything seems so dreary whenever He’s around.

why does he do that is an eye opener. Though he’s nothing like some of the examples...so he can’t be an abuser right? Or that’s what Im telling myself.Am making excuses to myself for him.
Omg. I’m a textbook case.
Keep telling me ...I need a bloody good shaking.
It’s like I keep getting little shots of light but not the whole spotlight.
Getting brighter though.
Crumbs.
I actually have to call wa and leave.
Feck.

😜And re pjs.. Just realised why some of you are like, what! £50! - sil got me LOVELY Pair from mands, £25. It’s so long since I’ve been shopping for me, I actually thought £50 was a bit steep - but Not that steep!! I’ve been Conned! Again!

OP posts:
Creepster · 30/12/2019 00:34

Keep reading it. He's in there, and so are you and the kids. I am so sorry.

Sh0na · 30/12/2019 00:35

Sounds like my X
I was not allowed to make any decosion or choice. He wouldnt relinquish any control whatsoever.
I actually decided i couldnt take any more when he wouldnt let choose a saucepan. I did all the cooking. He was an across the board arse though.

MyKingdomForBrie · 30/12/2019 00:40

LTB Flowers

katewhinesalot · 30/12/2019 00:46

You are slowly waking up and seeing things. When do you see your counselor next. Explore this quickly.

Treatedlikeamaid · 30/12/2019 00:54

Creepster, that’s ominous, will keep reading. Was tempted to skim. Won’t now.
Sho, yes. He chose the over expensive heavy cast iron shite!😀
You’ve reminded me - I sanded kitchen floor , as we’d agreed - with Hired sander.Thought he’d complain so sanded a bit more...and left gouges.
He got me a belt sander and told me to sort it out, and no I couldn’t hire a sander again because I’d cock it up.
Took me two weeks . Sanding kitchen floor, on my knees, very itchy. with young kids. Wtf. Was I doing?
Brie, thanks. Beginning to see this is next.

Seem to be having a sleepless night!

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Treatedlikeamaid · 30/12/2019 00:56

Thanks kate. I will. Definitely.

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Sh0na · 30/12/2019 00:57

He is like the examples! He's a blamer, He's critical. He is TRAINING you to never ask for help around the house. My x had traits of about three of the types. HE constantly had a go at me that the house wasn't in sterile order but he would not tolerate being asked to do any small tiny thing. All of the INSTRUCTION flowed one way. My role was to obey. If I tried to flip that and politely ask him to do something, he got angry quickly which TRAINED me to never ask for anything.

Stick with the counsellor. Glad you have a job. x

Alexis21 · 30/12/2019 01:12

Reading posts like these make me do the happy dance at being single !

Treatedlikeamaid · 30/12/2019 01:23

Thanks sho. Right! Giving book my FULL attention and taking notes.
Alexis, yup.!
I used to think I’d never fall for that. Ha! Should have known the first time I made him a cuppa- he said it wasn’t the right strength 😕
You youngsters are SO effing lucky there is mumsnet and the Internet. I had NO idea this was abuse - no ones hitting me. Just the slow slow boiling of the frog. Feck.

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Treatedlikeamaid · 04/01/2020 09:47

Gosh, would have dismissed this as being me being nutty if not for you guys. Thanks Shona for letting me see the book does apply to us. Mentally ready to go to wa. Aaannnddd.....
All is nice now. He’s spending time with ds, even made breakfast. Very confusing. Guess this is hoovering?

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