My Mother wants to be to involved

[Jo71]

A bit of background - I am married 36 with one child 5 month old daughter - I am an only child we had 4 m/c's before RH was born - now my mother is too much she has had no experience with babies since me so things have moved on A LOT and for the last 5 months has been buying things that are not needed and pushing advice that is no longer recommended she is now pushing me to wean and my child must be the only one in the area to have 3 winter coats under the age of 1. Hubby keeps telling I must tell her to back off but it is so hard

Poor you and also your poor mum - I guess the m/cs must have been hard on her (although of course not as hard as they were for you and your DH). How would she take it if you sat her down and tried to have a heart-to-heart - not aggressively telling her to 'back off', but gently explaining that it's your baby and she needs to give you some space to decide what you want to do? As for the weaning, could you show her some of the more recent advice (NHS leaflets -I'm sure your health visitor would be able to give you some) so that she understands that your decisions are based on up-to-date information?

Or is she not the kind of person to be persuaded by this kind of thing?

I'm pre-menstrual and this is making me absurdly close-to-tearful - I suppose because I know what it's like having a husband urging you to tell your mum to back off, and knowing that it is your responsibility to do that (and you'd expect him to tell his mum to back off), but also knowing that... well, it's like you've chosen your husband, so he should be sensitive and let you indulge her. But all the same when your mum is being crazy you can't indulge her, but you'd do anything to avoid hurting her and you know she'd be hurt.

What I do is try to make it quite loud and joky. I think this sometimes still hurts my mum's feelings and you can see her withdrawing, being hurt. When my daughter was a newborn my mum stayed with us because I was in another country, and there were tears and conflicts all the time because we were all just living too close. But now things have eased off and when my mum is doing zany things like pushing extra vests and extra fatty food on my daughter, I just say things like 'Oh no you don't! I'm following the books EXACTLY! I am going to be a proper loony military-precision by-the-book mother and my baby is going to be perfectly normal, we'll have none of your common sense personal experience years of child-care wisdom in this house, thanks!' And I hope I say it in a loud and silly enough voice for her not to be hurt, and that she realises I'm not anxious or angry. Because your mum wants you to be happy, too, so she knows when she's making you anxious. So when you say yes to her and it's making you anxious, that's almost the same as saying no to her outright, unless you're a very good actress. You might as well say no, but keep it light. Very best of luck.

Thanks for the help girls I am going to try both!!!!!! and see how we get on

I will put it from this point of view;

My mum died knowing that I had been pg and by a violent partner. (ectopic)

At the time she nagged a bit, God knows she must have been going through hell as she struggled to conceive.

She died without ever seeing her grandchildren.

Your mum is only doing what all of us would do, being worried.

I am SO SORRY that I don't have a Mother to show my beautiful children to.

I can't even imagine how you deal with that UCM on a daily basis I have a friend in the same situation and I talk to her about it apparently I am the only one brave enough to do so but I guess having studied psychology and couselling recently helps. I love my mum but everything is about her. When I was pregnant she did not think she could cope if I lost another baby - when my daughter was born we were both quite poorly and she didn't she could have coped if anything had happened to my daughter what about my husband who was completly helpless and all he could do was bring in clean nappies and clothes each day and watch our daughter loose more and more weight and watch me become more ill each day I have tried the softly softly approach that I am not a child and we are both responsible adults, but not working for example next week my dad is away so she has no car I don't drive due to epilepsy and she expects me to go to her she lives 15 miles away and I am starting to wean tomorrow I have had to be hard with her and say no if she wants to see RH she has to come to us as I want RH at home in her own surroundings but she is now not speaking to me!!!!!

Jo, YANBU. Maybe you might have a bad leg or something next week that means you can't drive....? I think a break from your Mum could be good (& if you make up a good excuse it is not so hurtful)
Would she ever consider reading anything like 'The Good Granny Guide' My auntie bought my Mum this so it wasn't directly from me!
Maybe ask her what her Mum was like when you were born - her behaviour may be deep-seated
Also whilst you are under so much pressure I would advise against starting weaning tomorrow. Probably the last thing you need (unless you have a desperate reason) If your dd is not screaming to put your food in her mouth yet don't worry about it
Good luck