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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I did the right thing

46 replies

Birdnerd · 27/12/2019 22:51

Was with ex dp for 5 years. In the end I was doing all the cleaning, shopping etc because I have an office job and he was on his feet all day at his job. Had an OK relationship with his parents and his mum was very happy when we got engaged. His dad said 'oh'. His older sister never really made any effort with me and nor did his younger brother but I always tried and was polite. My DF had cancer last year (was caught early and he is now in remission) and his last round of chemo was January 2019...I was excitedly telling ex dp parents this and his mum just says 'well at his age he will just get something else and that will kill him) ex dp just said oh she didn't mean it etc etc. It then came to light ex dp had kept a secret from me this whole time ad was arrested for looking at inappropriate images before meeting me and had to go to some sort of counseling and report to police every so often. He made no effort with my family despite me trying with his. But we had the same sense of humor and he helped me when I was I'll. He just became lazy and uninterested in the wedding plans and his mum's comments Andre fact he didn't tell her to shut up really upset me. Its been 8 months but I still miss him terribly. He refuses to speak to me. I did the right thing though?

OP posts:

eaglejulesk · 27/12/2019 23:25

You have done the right thing!! It's easy to fondly remember the good times, but it seems there was more bad than good in this relationship. Even without the arrest he sounds lazy and not really invested in the relationship. You deserve a much better partner.

Ellie56 · 27/12/2019 23:26

You know you did the right thing OP. You don't need a nasty pervert in your life, you really don't.

Your parents' reaction was weird.Most parents would have been telling you to dump him.

Mycatisthebest · 27/12/2019 23:27

He was looking at pictures of a 12 year old girl and you're wondering if you did the right thing?

Merryoldgoat · 27/12/2019 23:29

Honestly OP - I’m at a loss as to how you even stayed after finding out about the arrest.

ReanimatedSGB · 27/12/2019 23:33

Well, maybe you miss him because he was nice sometimes (even the most appallingly abusive men are nice sometimes) and because you are lonely.
And if your family are that sort of 'Christian' they probably taught you to believe the following unhealthy things -
Marriage is sacred and 'for life' - at least for women, so you have to accept everything your male owner does.
Forgiveness is very important - but the sort of forgiveness that matters is the performative sort, when the person you are forgiving has done something awful to other people (who don't matter) - though this may include you if you are a less-important person, like a woman or a child, who must forgive an Important Man
Respectability and Not Making A Fuss matter more than unimportant people's comfort or safety.

JoeysTurkey · 27/12/2019 23:33

I've never accidentally (or intentionally, for clarity) seen or stored images of child sexual abuse.

At least 50% of the times I hear about men (in the news/on social media/in real life) who have looked at or stored images of child sexual abuse they say it was by accident... as if that's a real thing. Like ooh a funny cat, another funny cat, buy a new book for my kindle, check the news, oh! Whoops! A child being sexually abused, check Facebook, see what's on at the cinema.

You definitely did the right thing ending it, you need to keep doing the right thing and stay away from him.

GilbertMarkham · 27/12/2019 23:35

It's normal to miss people you spent time with and were close to. You're human.

You say he was arrested for looking at/possessing inappropriate (indecent, I presume) images of 12 ye old girls? That's nauseating and disturbing. You could never have had a decent relationship with someone like that - for many and various reasons.

You absolutely did the right thing to get out of the relationship. If you put effort in to meeting people, you'll meet someone else (someone who does not have something so disturbing in their background).

As to his family, they sound odd, a bit unpleasant, but above all his mother's comment about your Dad's health was appalling. Having to deal with a mil like that (tactless, lacking in empathy, unsympathetic, almost cruel) would've been horrible. And that's in top of the fact that he's essentially a bloody paedo whose inclinations and behaviour you'd be worrying about all the time. As another pp pointed out; it's men like him that keep child sex abuse going by looking at the images (and possibly paying to do so). And a 12 ye old is a child.

You're v lucky to be free of the lot of them, especially him, thank your lucky stars.

sugarplumtum · 27/12/2019 23:42

The parts you like about him you get from a friend but actually as a partner he sounds crap.
Leaving you to do all the house work because he's what tired?... Nah that's rubbish, and is the reason I broke up with my dp.
It boils down to respect, and if you DONT respect my energy or time then there's not much love there is there?

user1473878824 · 27/12/2019 23:50

You miss him because you loved him, that’s normal. But you’re so better off without him.

chinam · 27/12/2019 23:50

His parents should be the least of your worries. This guy is a paedophile. Thank your lucky stars you found out this information before you ended up married to him.

Jossina · 28/12/2019 00:00

You miss him because you got used to him. Abused children try their hardest not to be taken from horrific parents too. Humans like what they know.

ilovesooty · 28/12/2019 00:00

The only relevant part of this is his offending behaviour. What exactly were the consequences of his arrest?

GabriellaMontez · 28/12/2019 00:02

Lazy, weird, paedophile.

Why would you settle for this?

dionysus19 · 28/12/2019 00:03

it's good he didn't make an effort with your family. Pedophiles don't change. 12 year old girl is his type. Would you have been able to trust him enough to have friends or family with daughters over to yours in his presence? What if you ended up having a daughter with him? You did well by kicking him out.

Biscusting · 28/12/2019 00:07

Ooft a great sense of humour you say....jeeze! Ever heard the term scraping the bottom of the barrel?

ferntwist · 28/12/2019 00:22

He’s disgusting. He has contributed to children being abused. Wake up! Of course you did the right thing and should never go back near him.

WhatsInAName19 · 28/12/2019 00:31

Men who are sexually aroused by children do not tend to stop being sexually aroused by children. So he is a paedophile who was arrested for looking at images which involved a naked child and/or a child being sexually abused. He did not stumble across these images unintentionally, let’s be real.

butterflykiss00 · 28/12/2019 00:32

This is a wind up surely!! Either that or your just completely stupid.

WhatsInAName19 · 28/12/2019 00:34

Pressed post too soon.

It sounds like you are having difficulty reconciling the version of this man that you knew (or thought you knew) with the reality (the man who was arrested for viewing child sex abuse images), and that you are missing your idealised version of him. Even though your idealised version of him wasn’t particularly ideal.

You weren’t wrong to get rid of him. Your parents are nuts. You may wish to seek some counselling if you are finding this difficult to move past.

Thinkingabout1t · 28/12/2019 00:56

OP, he sounds dreadful. His laziness and insensitivity are bad enough, but using child pornography is sickening. I suspect you're only missing him because you haven't met anyone else yet. Why not go out a bit more, have some fun with friends and be open to meeting a man who deserves you?

sprite25 · 28/12/2019 13:16

Either this thread is made up or you need some serious therapy, to think there's even a chance you made the wrong decision by not being with something so vile as him?! He looked at child porn but oh it's OK as he was nicer in other areas of his life.... Give yourself a slap and wake up op!

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